I know I said I wasn't going to do the dating app thing, but I had one week left before I started my new job, and I just wanted to meet some people and see how it went. Oh....it went...
Also, I think I wanted to have an excuse not to work on my Econ class...another story for another day. I did enjoy the distraction though!
In all transparency, I have since paused both (yes, I was on two) dating apps for the time being. With my new job starting and still needing to finish my MBA I think I've got enough on my plate right now.
Plus, this has been both an ego-boosting and ego-crushing experience and I don't have room for that kind of roller coaster right now!
In case you want to know, here's how the dates went:
Date #1: We met in a park. I sent his first and last name, photo and pin drop location where we met in case my body turned up in the river. He brought a surprise guest, his 10 month old son in a stroller. Then proceeded to tell me that he and his female partner have an arrangement. They are together (like TOGETHER together) and raising this little human as a couple.
She has long term relationships with women outside of their relationship and he has long term relationships with women also. They never do anything as a foursome. (thank God? I don't know the proper sentiment here).
People, I cannot make this shit up. Let me be clear though, no judgement here. It is simply not my thing. Apparently my lack of interest in "ethical non-monogamy" makes him want me that much more. Who knew?
And he was every bit as adorable as his photos on the app, and we get along REALLY WELL. So that also frustrates me a little bit but I cannot share my person with another person. Just....ew. For me, anyway.
Date #2: We went to dinner at an expensive restaurant. I tried to steer him this one to a coffee date so I wouldn't have to explain all my food issues but he was not having it. So, expensive dinner it was. I also made it clear when we set up the date that I would pay for my own meal. He was a little shocked but went along with it. He was actually pretty impressed, more on that later.
I got there early and he was already at the table. We had a lovely evening, and he is very nice. I actually know who he is, he's kind of known around the area. He checks a lot of boxes: handsome, successful, athletic and well-traveled (in the good kind of way). However, most of the evening we talked about HIM.
His houses, his travels, his business, and his financial security. The worst part was, clearly he's brought many a date to the same place. The servers knew him by name and he mentioned (more than once) to all of them that I was the splitting the check with him and wasn't it great that I was the first woman to offer? I was a little teeny bit embarrassed!! SOOOOOO awkward.
To be honest, I didn't know him personally before this so why would I expect him to buy my dinner? And, I've got my own money AND I didn't want to feel like I owed him anything.
The other weird thing, (again noting that he's probably taken many dates here before), is that there was a PARADE of women walking by the table and saying hello to him over and over. All of them I can describe like this: blonde, coiffed, make up done, designer clothes and oozing elegance.
Then, there's me: my hair looks like I just walked in off the beach at the Oregon coast, I am wearing barely any make up (have almost forgotten how to put it on during COVID times), hand-me-down jeans from my daughter and a blouse I bought for $5 at Ross. I could not have been more different and out of place. To be honest, I'm really OK with that. He's not my person, I knew that right away.
The bottom line is, I don't care about wealth. What I really care about is what is in someone's head and in their heart. And I did not get to see that.
Date #3: This guy and I had been texting since Monday or Tuesday, I can't quite remember. He checked several boxes even before I met him: tall, handsome, sarcastic, good dad and reeeeeaaaalllly funny. So I was looking forward to our coffee meeting.
It did not disappoint! We chatted for about 3 hours, he was pretty much everything I thought he would be except he had kind of a squishy dad bod. Skinny but squishy. I mentioned this to a couple of friends who then reminded me that I'm pushing 50 and chances are better than average that almost ANYONE I might go out with at this age will probably have a squishy dad bod. Dang it! I guess I have to cross that off my list of things I don't want because otherwise that most assuredly means I'll end up alone.
But I digress, I really don't want to talk about his dad bod...
Side note, I also heard through the grapevine that he's apparently really good in bed. Noted in case I ever need a good shag (I hope my mother isn't reading this).
I will tell you this though, my outfit was ON POINT. I looked better than most days (especially the last two years worth of days). I even dressed up a little, my hair was behaving, the jeans made my ass look pretty good....and we sat on a couch together.
We also had a BIG LONG LINGERING HUG when we said goodbye and then - hardly a word since we met. I am so clueless. I thought the conversation was great, we seemed to have chemistry and had a decent amount in common. So WTH?
I am a f**king treasure according to one of my college friends. What's not to like about me? I'm also funny as hell, and I think for someone who is 49 I look OK and I am professionally pretty successful (one month unemployed aside) so I cannot for the life of me understand why he wouldn't be interested. But, clearly he is not. So I basically kind of got ghosted.
If I'm being honest though, I might just be a tad out of his league.
I had date #4 lined up for this weekend, but I canceled it in the end. I don't think I am actually ready to do any of this. I want to, but I am not ready. This third date was particularly hard on my already fragile ego. I think I need to do some work on myself (emotionally) before I get back on that horse. But, I did learn that I am OK with meeting new people. I am OK going on a date again. And I will be OK putting myself out there, baby steps. One at a time.
I am OK. That's what I do know for sure. And OK is good enough for me right now.
There's a lot of stuff out there that makes this process hard, brutal, ego-crushing and scary. I think in this moment, I need to offer myself a little grace and just make some peace with being alone for awhile.
While I'm not totally alone, I have the kids and my family and friends to support me, at the end of the day (literally) I am truly alone. It can just be hard when you don't have a partner.
For me, tonight is the night before one of the most amazing adventures of my life: starting a new job that is the most incredible professional opportunity EVER.
And it's a little sad, sitting here getting my first day on the job outfit all picked out, and pre-packing my snack bag with no one to talk to.
What would make this better is having someone to share all this with - all the excitement, insecurities, the crushing anxiety that I feel and the anticipation of starting a new job in the most awesome organization.
But tonight, I am a little lonely. Tonight I feel every bit as alone as I ever have. I am sad not being able to talk through all of this with a partner. It's hard. Really hard.
All of this will get better, I know this to be true. I also know that this aloneness is the thing I need right now. It's the only way I'll ever really be able to appreciate it if and when I do find a true partner in this life. I need to be at peace with being alone a little while longer.
I find it all so ironic - if you know me, you know that I'm a pretty strong lady. I can handle a lot. I am independent. I'm a badass. I can do anything I put my mind to. But this being alone is tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I'll get through it. I'm in no rush to find someone.
I sure as hell don't think I will find someone on these damn dating apps, that much I am sure.
Without question, life is an adventure. Always has been...always will be. I look forward to seeing how this one unfolds...
