Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Maude VS the new driver

I'm a googler.  I use The Google Oracle to find answers to almost all of my life's problems.  And google, she usually delivers!  But this time, I was kind of at a loss for resources, so I thought once I survive the experience I'd create my own little advice column for the situation in which I found myself today.

I knew that at some point my eldest offspring would be legally ready to drive my car after completing 6 hours of instruction from a licensed professional.  That day was today.

She, of course, was far more nervous about ME being in the car than she was about the actual driving part.  Fair enough, so was I.

Last night, knowing this was coming today, I tried to find articles about how parents can help their young drivers the first time they pilot a giant hunk of metal while sitting completely powerless and with zero control in the passenger seat.

It's unsettling, I'll tell you, to go from being in the driver's seat and solely responsible for your child's health and well being, to suddenly sitting in the passenger seat, clutching a bible, a rosary and a flask. 

OK so I didn't ACTUALLY do those things (however I said many a Hail Mary) but the feeling of HOPELESSNESS that settles in is unlike anything I've experienced since I brought her home from the hospital and hoped I could keep her alive.

Honestly though, I completely underestimated the Xanax worthy anxiety that settled into my chest as soon as she took the keys from my tightly clenched fist. 

Unfortunately as a passenger you have to have your wits about you at all times so any form of medication is not recommended.  Meditation?  yes, hence the constant praying.  God heard from me a lot today....

"Oh my GOD, stay in your lane!"

"For God's sake, watch the speed!"

"Good GOD, did they not show you how to use a turn signal?"

And, my personal favorite:

"Jesus Christ, kid.  EASY on the brakes."

It's good to be a Christian....

All joking aside, she did pretty well for only the fourth day ever of driving in her life.  As much as I coached her about watching the tail lights in front and to HIT THE BREAKS SO YOU DON'T SLAM INTO THOSE CARS UP THERE, she was pretty impressed that I NEVER ONCE grabbed the "oh shit" handle NOR did I slam my foot on the imaginary brake on the floor in front of me. 

I'm not sure how I survived nearly 50 minutes of total terror, but I did give birth to two children and I've gone skydiving and bungee jumping so.....

Really I am not sure who I should be more proud of, her or me?  I'm thinking me.  But it probably should be her?

Back to the original purpose of this story, I tried really hard to find friendly parent advice about driving with your kids for the first time and I came up empty handed. 

So I thought, hell, I'll make a list for the rest of you suckers soon to follow in my footsteps.  You. Are. Welcome.

Without further adieu, here is the list:

1. Stay calm.  Wait, who am I kidding?  PRETEND to be calm.  Inside you can scream like you just stepped on a tarantula, but to your child: APPEAR CALM.  Like icy calm, the calm that you show them when you caught them doing something they shouldn't and you're asking them if they did the thing and waiting patiently for them to admit they did the thing you caught them doing.  That kind of calm.

2.  Always tell them they are doing a good job WHEN they are doing a good job so when you do have to scream (not so calmly) "look out for that f-ing semi!!!!!!!!!" they are ready to hear you.

3. Don't make them back out of a parking spot for the first time with you in the car.  A 2 point turn will become a 10 point turn and you'll be crawling out of your own skin just to get the hell out of the parking lot.  It doesn't feel great.

4. They know everything.  You don't.  So don't be surprised when they are NOT driving that they critique your every decision.  "Mom, you changed lanes too frequently back there.  That's aggressive driving."  And then the inevitable after you snap at them for telling you what a crappy driver you are for the entire ten minute drive to school "You know, you shouldn't drive angry.  Driving emotionally compromised is almost as bad as texting while driving."  You are distracted you know."  That's my favorite.... 

5. Avoid streets with more than one lane in each direction.  Otherwise, you're likely to lose a side mirror, your temper and along with it your sanity.  To a new driver, cars in the lane next to them have an unbelievable and undetectable magnetic pull, so much so that you'll be mouthing an apology to the driver next to you as your car is inching closer to them.  You'll be lucky if they read your lips: I am so sorry, student driver! before you escape sideswiping them altogether.

6. Do NOT under any circumstances allow them to listen to the radio while they are driving your car, even at a low volume.  They WILL forget to leave two hands on the wheel.  The temptation to "dab" when they complete a turn safely or fortnight dance to their favorite song is impossible to resist.  Trust me on this one. 

7. Don't hold your breath.  I mean this literally.  You will find yourself not breathing at frequent intervals.  When you finally escape the car when you get to wherever you are going, you might pass out.  I ended up basically falling into a shrub.  True story.  So breathe.  Long, deep healthy breaths.....

I feel like I'll end with lucky #7.  As this was really just our first drive together I'm assuming I'll have some more nuggets of wisdom to share in the near future.  But if you are like me, and you're looking for a sherpa to guide you through the rocky cliff of a 15 year old driving your car, I hope this is useful information to you. 

Feel free to share it with others and hopefully the next stressed out, nervous parent who is googling "how not to totally freak their brand new driver out the first time on the road" this little article will pop up and provide some peace.

For now, I'm signing off and pouring myself that drink......

Friday, June 14, 2019

Letter to myself at 15

This has been a spring and summer of many firsts in our household.  So many that I've almost completely drained my wine rack.  Almost.

The firsts in our household include my 13 year old son being introduced to PornHub at school (thanks other kid in tech class for stealing his innocence).  Smart phones will be the death of our society.  But, I'm off topic.  Squirrel!

Firsts for the 15 year old include a first job interview (phone and in person) and her first job. 

First actual date with a real live boy where they actually looked at each other eye to eye in person and spoke without cell phones!!!!!  It's a MIRACLE!!!  And a first second date....

First encounter with a more mature type of feminine product (I'll just leave it like that for you) where she was a total rock star and I had to show her how it all worked while she sat on the toilet and I will never ever be able to scrub that memory from my brain. 

But, glad I could help.  I was in college at a state park restroom before I learned how to use them with my sorority sisters trying to coach me on the other side of the cold metal doorway.  And those restrooms, very clean and germ free, too.  >shiver<

This is the first time she has ever referred to another human as "boyfriend" which caused her father and I to immediately come up with manual labor tasks the "boyfriend" will have to help us out with around the house to "earn" more time with her one on one....if he ever can....Dad is making sure his shotgun collection is clean and ready.

She got her learner's permit and finished her online driving course, so another first will be driving in about a week.  God help us.  I'll need to get that wine rack filled up again, along with my Xanax prescription...

After I dropped her off for her first shift at her job today I reflected back to my 15th summer on this earth.  God were things so simple yet I thought they were so complicated.

I, too, had a few firsts. 

First time driving, first time liking a boy and (ermagehrd) him liking me back.  For like, 48 hours, or something.  Then I got dumped over the phone with the classic "I think we're better as friends." 

First time sneaking out of the house with friends to go toilet paper that boy's house.  Needless to say, it turned out to be too far to walk, we got lost, and came home with the TP still in hand...and my brother caught us coming home.  In fairness, he didn't tell on me because the only reason he caught us is because he was smoking a cigarette outside when we rolled up...so we both had something to lose...

But Lord have mercy I remember thinking everything was so hard, so complicated, and so difficult. 

And, it was, because that was my perspective.  So I thought, what would I tell myself at 15, that 31+ years of wisdom could help reshape my view on things?  Not much, as it turns out.  Most 15 year old's (girls, teenagers especially) think they've got it all figured out.  But, I am going to pretend, in case this helps anyone else.  Here goes:

Dear 15 year old self,

I hope you are enjoying your summer break.  You just finished your freshman year of high school, didn't it fly by?  I know it was probably (from your perspective) miserable. 

How many times did you like a boy and he liked your friend instead?  How else did you get the nickname "Ducky"? (thanks a lot Pretty in Pink movie, I'll never live down being everyone's best friend).

Those things are painful, but when you're 46 you can look back on your 15 year old crushes and know, without a shadow of a doubt, you would never have married any one of them.  Even sweet, tortured skater boy Glenn.  I remember walking home with him almost every day listening to him go on and on and on and on about your friend that he liked.   It all seemed too heavy, at 15.  And, it's OK to cry in your pillow, baby.  Sometimes that's all you need.

But please just enjoy it, all the sweetness and uncertainty, and know that maybe, just maybe, Glenn liked you but never thought he had a chance.  And your best friend that he liked?  She was a terrible wing man for you.

High school is hard for about 8000 other reasons, too.  Like the girls, oh the girls were harder to deal with than boys.  End of story.  Talk about hormone induced insanity at every turn.  You fell victim to it, too.  Remember that.

Know this, though....years will go by and you'll look back and understand that every single one of you girls struggled with the same things: wanting to fit in, feeling accepted, trying to feel beautiful and figuring out who you really are. 

But trust me, being kind and nice to everyone will make sure you fit in, be accepted, be a beautiful person and is totally true to who you are.  Because, at the core of your being you are a nice, wonderful and caring person.

Don't worry if you don't get invited to the parties, I promise the memories you have cruising Riverside with Becky and going to  Mormon stake dances with your band friends and dancing yourselves silly, then watching movies at someone's house afterward will be some of the BEST things you will recall about being in high school. 

Remember you honed your self-deprecating humor by utilizing it as a survival mechanism every time some dumb boy called you "Ride-me-now" or a "Pirate's Dream" (sunken chest anyone??) or "Amy Bird" (Larry Bird's daughter) or Stretch or any one of 1000 names people called you because, at the end of the day, they would never be all that you were at 15: confident, tall, kind and funny.

Don't focus on what you wish you had or how you wish you looked.  You are perfect in every way, just the way you are.  Tall, thin, gangly, freckle-faced and goofy looking.  That's you in a nutshell, so own it.  Even today.  Especially, the part about being goofy.  It's one of your finest qualities.

Someday you'll have the last laugh on the sunken chest jokes because you'll end up with a nice new D Cup rack to show off well into your 60's.  Granted it took surviving cancer to get them, but worth it in the end.  You'll be looking forward to showing them off at the 30 year reunion...

Also, ask for help when you need it.  Friends and caring adults will move heaven and earth to support you.  It's a fact.  Lean on people who love you when things get hard.

Smile as much as you can. 

Make jokes, but not at someone's expense.

Volunteer to help somewhere.  Nothing will fill your cup like doing something for someone other than yourself.

Join clubs, play sports, or do drama or band or color guard or whatever makes your heart sing.

Find your people.  Form your tribe.  Love them hard and make all the memories you can.  Time will go by fast.

You will never regret making good choices, being a good person and standing up for what you believe in.  

Surround yourself with good people.  Even if your circle is small but mighty: quality over quantity.

Be kind to everyone. 

And remember, there is no one who will love you truly, madly and deeply and always have your back no matter what, quite like your mother. 

Sass her from time to time just to keep her in her place, but don't be afraid to open up sometimes. 

She will listen like no other and will fiercely protect you and at the same time hold you accountable for things when you need to be.  I know you know this.

For what it's worth, high school is hard.  I can't sugar coat it for you, but it's also one of the simplest times in your life.  So take deep breaths, take steps back, reflect, try to enjoy the best moments and learn what you can from the worst.

Someday you'll have a sweet, wonderful 15 year old girl who is going through all the same things, and all the same firsts, that you did.  And, like you, she will have a mother who loves her hard and would do anything for her.

So just slow down and soak it all up.  Enjoy every minute of this beautiful, awkward, crazy, scary and wonderful life that you are living.  That part of life will never, ever change.

Love,

Yourself

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Maude VS the picky home shoppers


Dear buyers that have looked at our home for sale,

We are so glad that you agree: our kitchen is enormous.  It is!  We have fit over 25 people in it to say grace before Christmas dinner.  And it is so big we sometimes forget where we stored things. True story.

We love that you love the rec room over the garage that has room for foosball, air hockey, at one point three couches and still room for more.  You’re right, the space is fantastic.  You could even throw in a ping pong table up there and STILL have room left over for keg stands, a rousing game of twister and an epic battle of chess.  If you’re into that kind of thing.

It is fantastic hearing about how you love the over-sized garage with extra room for storage and space to park a pick-up truck with an 8 foot bed, SUV and feasibly yet another car in the third bay, which as you know most people just use for extra storage.  But our garage is just THAT BIG.  And we have a sh*t ton of storage ANYWAY...

It warms our heart to hear you love the open floor plan, the split bedroom layout and that we have three FULL bathrooms.  

Who wants a half bath anyway?   That is like eating a PB&J sandwich without the J.  Especially when you have teenagers who you do not want using your bathroom to shower any longer because, well, teenagers.  And eventually those little munchkins in your house WILL be teenagers.  Sooner than later.

We also know how amazing it is that the bonus room is set up like its own little apartment with a kitchenette.  Some might call it a mother-in-law suite, we call it “the place where the kids will want to live when they graduate from college and cannot find a job” which, incidentally, is NOT why we are moving….

We love that YOU love all the parts about the HOME in which we currently live.  You can tell, it is totally awesome. 

What we do not love is hearing things like “I could never live with that backyard.”  Yes you can, actually, and you can thank us later for setting you straight: you will use the backyard outdoor living space more than you ever would the grass you would have to mow, water and fertilize.

Believe it or not, we fell in LOVE with this house for everything it is, knowing that the backyard was, well, cozy.  Because we know that we spend MOST OF OUR TIME INSIDE OUR HOUSE.  And you will, too.

Don’t look at the house and think “the yard is too small” because here’s what you won’t do in the yard: sleep, do laundry, make breakfast for your family (although you could in the OUTDOOR KITCHEN….), get dressed for the day, brush your toofin’s and jump in your jammies for bed. 

You definitely won’t host your family for the holidays in the back yard (hello cold Idaho winters...) and you certainly won’t host birthday parties and other celebrations in the back yard, even if you had a big one.  

Think about where you LIVE.  You live INSIDE.  We created a home that lets you do BOTH: live inside AND outside when time permits.  Eventually your children will sign up for three activities after school which requires you to turn into a parent uber driver, taking them from place to place 6 days a week. (honestly I feel like I actually live in my car, which smells kind of like I do...)

As much as I love Boise I don’t love that it’s 100+ degrees for weeks on end in the summer.  Believe me, you won’t send your kids out to play in that kind of heat!  Nope, I’m telling you they’ll be up in the air conditioned bonus room (dual controls BTW) with their friends playing video games on your giant TV, eating popcorn and drinking cool beverages and making a big giant mess as kids like to do.

In case you didn't already know this. there are five seasons in Idaho: Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter and what we affectionately call SPRINTER, that awkward space when it’s supposed to feel like spring but it keeps snowing.  

The amount of time you actually CAN use your backyard is less than you think so when you DO have the opportunity to spend time outside in the outdoor living space we have created for you, you will love it.  Because you won’t have spent time, money and water keeping up with a backyard that you never go in except to clean up the dog poop. (again, true story)

So please, look at our house for all the wonderful things that it is: a home you can LIVE IN.  And know that the backyard in its current configuration has had MORE use in the last three years since we made it an extension of our phenomenal home. 

And if you really have your heart set on a big yard, use the opportunity that the interwebs have provided for you and LOOK AT THE FREAKING PICTURES OF THE HOUSE ONLINE before you get here.  Because I'm getting pretty damn tired of cleaning my house for you only to have you say "I don't like the backyard".  Just because you come LOOK at the house doesn't make the yard suddenly LARGER....

It is what it is my friend: a fantastic space that you WILL use and have to spend very little time keeping up.


PS - I love my instant pot an inappropriate amount.  I use it basically every time I cook.  Like I might consider marrying it if it could clean up after itself....

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Maude VS Buyer’s Remorse

Ugh.  You guys.  Never ever ever ever shop Amazon Prime after two glasses of wine.  Just don’t.

They say alcohol leads to poor choices and for the most part in my life I’m like 75/25 on that.  As a grown woman rounding the age corner and barreling at full speed towards  50 I assumed that I was past that stage.

I was wrong.

I readily acknowledge I’m not the first to post the mantra “never prime while drinking” and I know without a shadow of a doubt I won’t be the last.  But if this confessional saves even one person from my fate it will have been worth it in the end.

As Cher likes to say “if I could turn back time” I would NOT check my phone/Facebook at 10:15pm before heading to bed.  If only Amazon had a time machine on their lightning deals…..sigh.

But alas my brain is programmed to see what the world is up to before I drift into a fitful sleep of hot flashes and all night peeing.  There was, and I am not making this up, a post informing the world that the 8 quart instant pot was on sale on Amazon for $69.99.  People, if you do not know that is like STEALING the instant pot you must have been living under a rock.

I don’t have any money right now.  Like none.  My husband started his own business so I’m the only person who is depositing cash into our checking account every two weeks  and I work for a nonprofit so like, just do the math.  And it’s Christmas so what the f*!k was I thinking purchasing this item?

Two glasses of wine took all the hesitation away and I got all wrapped up in the lightning deal.  CURSES to YOU Amazon.  CURSES.

As soon as I clicked “place order” I was overcome with instant-regret.  Again, WTF was I thinking?

My kids will now only receive the gift of instant pot meals this holiday season.

And maybe some socks. And underwear.  Can’t forget the underwear.  Santa’s a giver…..

I went to bed thinking that I would wake up excited and start googling recipes or feel terrible and try to cancel the order.  So I did both.  I am an exceptional multi-tasker.  As evidence I give you exhibit A: my new instant pot ordered while drinking AND goofing off on my phone….

So anyhoozer I spent time on an instant pot recipe exchange facebook page and with Amazon simultaneously.  For reals I attempted to cancel the order all while googling recipes.  You know, keeping my options open.

Unfortunately it was a lightning deal so they were lightning fast in processing the damn thing so come Tuesday evening no later than 8pm it will be on my porch.

I’m still a little angry that I drank and primed, but all my friends assure me that I’ll love this new appliance.  I mean if it cooks food for my family in a fraction of the time I might make out with it.

Hell, if it cleans up after itself, empties the dishwasher on occasion and does all the grocery shopping I just might marry it.

I remain cautiously optimistic that this will have been a solid purchase but I have yet to find recipes that meet my very specific criteria:  easy, healthy, one step, quick, delicious, family friendly, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, carb free, cashew free instant pot recipes for dummies.  (this is literally from one of my facebook pleas for help)

So it is 100% with mixed emotions that I welcome this new cooking appliance into my home.  Anticipation that it will allow me to place healthy food on the table for my family in a fraction of the time and absolute dread that it will end up on the shelf in my pantry like the rice cooker, crock pot, kitchen aid mixer……..

In closing, friends don’t let friends drink and Prime.  Peace, OUT.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Maude VS the bathtub


Parenting a 14.5 year old is not for the weak.  Parenting an exhausted 14.5 year old FEMALE requires the expertise and precision of a seasoned brain surgeon.  I have neither.  

I am screwed.


All I have, really, is my level 1 street smarts and the ability to out-stubborn even the most stubborn  of living creatures.

As you might well know the transition from lazy summers to crazy fall is as easy as a “simple Martha Stewart recipe”.  Just 12 simple ingredients, two hours of prep time, 8 different dishes and 14 cooking utensils later…….

My fledging high school freshman is also that kid that requires some down time each day to recharge her batteries.  She’s not like me in the sense that I’ll just go and go and go and go until I sit down and pass out.  Sleep is my battery re-charge (and the occasional adult beverage).

When you don’t get down time, you find yourself being angry and rude to your parents, like all the time….

Unfortunately for a newbie high schooler the day goes like this:
1. Wake up at the ass crack of dawn
2. Lay in bed and wait for your mom’s “get out of bed” prompts to reach new levels of hysteria
3. Drag yourself out of bed and wait for your breakfast to magically appear
4. Sigh heavily and make instant oatmeal because you get tired of waiting
5. Check cell phone in case you missed any texts while you wait for your mom’s “put your cell phone down and get ready” prompts to reach new levels of hysteria
6. Drag your feet as long as possible so the following tasks must be completed in ten minutes or less, and half-assed at best: brush hair, brush teeth, put on clothes and make up, make lunch but run out of time and beg for hot lunch money
7. Check cell phone some more, text friends things like “are you going to school” or “my mom is so annoying” stuff that doesn’t need to be typed into a phone at 6:45am.  This is done instead of gathering backpack and putting on shoes…
8. Wait for mom to start yelling to get in the car, waiting until her yelling reaches new levels of hysteria.  Perhaps she honks the horn from the driveway.  That is the signal that it is indeed time to gather up the backpack, books, laptop and shoes, send three more texts to friends (things like LOL, OMG, TTYL and “ugh my mom won’t stop honking the horn”), forget the cross country bag with running shoes, run back into the house while rolling eyes at your mom. 
9. Listen to mom lecture about being ready on time during the 20 minute drive to the private school mom and dad are scraping by to pay for but only half listen because, well that’s what you do.  It’s exhausting.  Ugh.
10. Spend the day at school like learning and stuff.  Talk and text friends at lunches and breaks, and on occasion during class time.  Hoping mom doesn’t turn off the ability to use the phone during the day, because you know, she can. 
11. Go to cross country, run a lot, socialize and dilly dally at the river when you are supposed to be taking an ice bath but really you are flirting relentlessly in your running shorts and sports bra even though your mother asked you a thousand times to please keep your shirt on because, well, BOYS.  But you don’t because like, it’s hot mom, DUH! And your mom is like “whatever” no boy needs to see YOUR SPORTS BRA KID!
12. Get picked up and home late because see item #11.  Wolf down dinner and then spend two hours doing homework and flirting with the neighbor kid under the guise of “helping him with his homework” even though your mom isn’t a total idiot.
13. Realize it it’s now 9:30pm and you’ve wasted the entire evening yet feel it necessary to take a shower RIGHT NOW even though your mom told you that you couldn’t if you didn’t get in before 9pm.

This is where the true heart of my story begins.  This was last night.  And while I have tried to keep my blog fairly anonymous since that Australian freak show started trolling me in 2012 many of my close friends know who I am.  They also know that my kid is two inches taller than I am.

This is all pertinent information to the story because this child as always pushed things and up until about a year ago I could literally manhandle her and put her in bed.  I can no longer do so because she outsizes me by a decent margin and is nothing but arms and legs that can grab onto door frames and prevent me from doing my parental duties of literally tossing her tired ass in bed and turning off the lights.

So again, back to last night.  When you are 14, tired and most likely hungry and you REALLY want a shower, there is almost nothing a parent can do to stop you.  Almost nothing…  

As I mentioned I’m the most stubborn of them all.  My children, God bless them, haven’t quite gotten the memo that I can, and will, outlast them every day and twice on Sunday.  Case in point, I’ll link a previous post from the summer of 2010 where I out-stubborned Brady over taking dinner seconds and not eating them by pouring a massive glass of wine and opening a GIANT novel to page 1. 

Fast forward to last evening:  after five minutes of back and forth “can please take a shower” followed by “no you may nots” which increased in hysteria with each passing second.   I realized I had nothing.  I could not physically move her to her bed and save for my physical presence in the bathroom, I could not do anything to stop her.

I can’t say “you can’t take a shower” and then go to bed in my own room, because she would have taken a shower anyway and been in there for DAYS ON END. (like really, what DO they do all that time in the shower?!?!).

So I pulled a rabbit out of my hat and said “I feel so strongly that you need to go to bed right now because you are tired that I’m going to sleep in the bathtub tonight.”  Yes, yes I so totally did that.  I literally took the bathmats, put them in the tub, laid down and closed the curtain.

My husband calls me borderline narcoleptic in the sense that I do have the innate ability to sleep anywhere any time (I once fell asleep eating spaghetti at a restaurant in !).  So she knew she was screwed.  Even so it took her about five minutes to give in.  I heard her LOUDLY brush hair and teeth, wash her face (checking off everything I would have badgered her about from behind the curtain) and then leave the bathroom LIGHTS ON with the FAUCET RUNNING (clever, clever girl).

I waited her out for about five minutes about the time I knew hoped would be in her PJs and in bed.  I wasn’t born yesterday, so I was prepared for the worst.  

I got up, turned out the lights and turned the faucet off and snuck out of the bathroom.  
I KNEW she was just lying in wait for me like a cat waiting to pounce and destroy its unsuspecting prey.  Little did she knew I was soooooo ready……

She went all ninja on me and jumped at me asking “so can I take a shower now?” and I just smiled and showed her the giant bundle of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, razor and shaving cream I removed on my way out.  “Not without this stuff!” I said as I headed for my room, with a wink and a smile.

“Well played mom, well played” was all she said as I walked away.  

The good news is she went to bed ON TIME last night.  

The bad news is I cannot turn my head properly either direction this morning. I clearly jacked up my neck laying in that damn tub, I guess parenting a teenager and getting old is a shit combination.  

But, worth it.  Totally worth it.