OK maybe not quite 50 first dates yet. I'm not even sure how many. I am not counting. But it kind of feels like it. At first, it wasn't any fun. But now that I'm in therapy (oh yes, you read that right) I have an entirely new outlook on this whole crazy process.
The dates? It really isn't worth dissecting them one by one. But I've learned some stuff and there's some stuff I wish I could tell my dates. Mostly I have learned a great deal about myself.
What have I learned? While "online" dating is weird and backward to me, the end result is still the same as it was before: you may or may not feel a connection. Your date may or may not feel a connection. One of you might and the other one might not. That's the most common outcome. But when you both do, I can only imagine how cool that will be. Not sure that's happened just yet. But that is also really OK.
And this dating thing isn't all that different than before, but instead of meeting in a bar or a frat party, you've at least got some biographical information (and a few photos) that you can use to weed out those you would not be interested in and prioritize those that meet your criteria. It's sort of an efficiency thing. You get a chance to chat first online and TRUST ME friends, you'll be able to weed out the weirdos INSTANTLY via chat. Saves some awkwardness at the bar...
And, the good news too, is, unless you're swiping left or right after a few glasses of wine, you don't have those old beer goggles on before the date. Better yet, if you match you can review their info before the date and if you're going on more than one date, it helps you keep all the suitors straight. I mean, not that I would know or anything...
See? Look at me and my whole new attitude about online dating. It is actually getting to be fun. I have ZERO expectations. The bar was set low from the jump (read previous post about polyamorous dude with a ten month old) so as long as I'm keeping my attitude and expectations in check, I think I'll continue to (BIG GASP) enjoy this whole thing.
Therapy has definitely taught me a few things. First of all, I just need to look at this as a fun thing. Just fun. I'm not going to meet "that someone" anytime soon. It took most of my twenties to find my first husband (well, my only one actually) so it's not going to be like I snap my fingers, and there he is. It will take time.
And I'm getting to be OK with that. I am still a bit of a mess. I am feeling all kinds of feels that I had not allowed myself to feel before. Getting all these (gross) feelings out of my body and into my therapists' ears for her to listen, dissect and then comment on has been cathartic and healing.
I learned I'm still very angry and I may have some Daddy issues. Who doesn't? Anyhoo...
I do know for sure that I am not ready for a Serious Relationship. I am good to build friendships, maybe date someone and get to know them, but I have a truckload of issues to work through and until I do, there will likely be some pretty big roadblocks in the way for me to even attempt a "healthy relationship" and yes, I am using air quotes because I am not really sure it's a real thing. But I'm hopeful.
Things I wish I could tell some of the dates I've been on range from "I have survived cancer and a divorce, so you being not interested in me is OK, just tell me" to "it is OK to allow a woman to pay for her own stuff and you should not mind if she pays for yours too" and my personal favorite "if what I do for a living bothers you, we aren't a match".
I have been on some interesting dates, one guy was on the autism spectrum and was probably one of my favorites because he was fascinating to talk to.
One of the best was a guy who was (mom! cover your eyes) super super super fit and hot. I mean - SMOKING hot. He says he wants to date but I'm not stupid and when you don't hear from someone, you kind of know. But it's OK - I think he liked himself way more than anyone else (CrossFit dudes - kind of its own religion). But talk about chemistry. Best hug at the end of the date. Wow. Maude was a little hot and bothered, in a good kind of way.
One of the worst was someone who DID NOT LOOK LIKE THEIR PROFILE PICS AND LIED ABOUT HOW TALL THEY WERE. That's all I'm saying, just gonna leave that right there.
It's been an interesting mixed bag of a journey. I feel no pressure or sense of urgency. I care less about second dates and more about meaningful connections, for which I can't say there have been any yet. Well, there is one. But jury is still out. Stay tuned - nickname: silver fox
I've still got my MBA to finish (getting VERY close), a new job to learn, a kid to get off to college and life is really pretty full right now. Would I like to have someone in it? Sure, but it will take a good long time and definitely 50 first dates for me to get comfortable and ready for something more.
In the meantime, I'll keep swiping left or right, meeting new people, making new friends and continuing to grow as a human and learn more about myself so I can be a better version for the next guy. And, maybe there won't be one, and I'm getting to be OK with that idea too.
