Sunday, August 30, 2009

Coincidence? I think not....

V-day has been set. Yep, it's official, Mark made the "appointment" for "that thing" he is getting that he has yet to actually use the technical term for: Vasectomy. As excited as he is to have it done, the guy just can't bring himself to say it. Kinda funny.

But not even remotely as funny as this: The Dr. who will be performing the "procedure" is named Peterson. PETERson. Am I the only one who thinks this is totally hilarious? Yes, I know, that is sooooooo third grade. But I don't care.

PETER. It's damn funny.

Friday, August 28, 2009

You're better of without it, I think

Mark and I were watching TV last night, as we do on a regular basis, and the following commercial came on for a drug called Chantix, that is basically prescription medication for those who want to quit smoking:

Ya gotta watch this....seriously. Here's the thing: The commercial is about 60 seconds. About 15 of it is about how great the meds are and that it helped this woman quit smoking after 29 years.

THEN it launches into another 45 seconds about how it can take three months to actually stop smoking, that there are numerous (and life threatening) side effects of the medication (seriously, see below), and you have to have an actual "plan" with maybe even counseling, that the meds alone won't do it.

Really? This is a viable option for people who want to quit smoking? THEN when you quit taking the meds you have a slew of withdrawl symptoms that include things like depression & suicidal thoughts? You'll be so agitated and upset, you'll probably start smoking again! Why bother?

Seriously, this is from their website:

What is the most important safety information about CHANTIX?
Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking. Some people had these symptoms when they began taking CHANTIX, and others developed them after several weeks of treatment or after stopping CHANTIX. If you, your family, or caregiver notice agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, or you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away. Also tell your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems before taking CHANTIX, as these symptoms may worsen while taking CHANTIX.

Is there other important safety information? (as if the list above wasn't enough!!)
Some people can have serious skin reactions while taking CHANTIX, some of which can become life-threatening. These can include rash, swelling, redness, and peeling of the skin. Some people can have allergic reactions to CHANTIX, some of which can be life-threatening and include: swelling of the face, mouth, and throat that can cause trouble breathing. If you have these symptoms or have a rash with peeling skin or blisters in your mouth, stop taking CHANTIX and get medical attention right away.

Use caution driving or operating machinery
until you know how CHANTIX may affect you. (I don't know about you, but most people who smoke also drive because they always roll their windows down and blow smoke into my car)

What are the most common side effects?
In clinical trials, the most common side effects of CHANTIX include:
Nausea (30%)
Sleep problems (trouble sleeping, changes in dreaming)
These are not all the side effects of CHANTIX. Ask your doctor or pharmacist for more information.

That would be enough for me to decide that either A) I'm better of smoking or B) chewing the nicotene gum might be a little safer.....

OMG - you can get money back


Holy cow batman! I am shocked shocked shocked! My friend Deena turned me on to this site where you get cash back for purchases. And I get cash back when people sign up (who also get cash back). I kind of thought it was a joke, but it isn't.

I am going to get $23 in November, but maybe even more, just for buying stuff through the site. I have pretty much just bought restaurant gift certificates for local restaurants, which has allowed me to save money AND get cash back. (you need to also sign up for

By the time November rolls around and I get my check, think of how much booze and happy pills I can buy with my rebate check! YEAH baby!

The best part? Both sites are FREE TO SIGN UP.

And yesterday, because of Deena, I saved $50 bucks on a $100 grocery purchase at Safeway. I was on such a high, it was actually almost better than sex. Almost.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Some things are just so hilarious...

you really don't need to say anything at all.......

Thank you Sassy Texas Redhead for the laugh of the day:

Honestly, who would go to a place like this? Wait....please don't answer that question.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Big Debate

Thankfully this isn't a debate in our household, but if it were I would have a LOT to say about it. First, a little background on the discussion (and I am sorry Mark you will not be happy about this post!!). I have been asking, literally begging to have another baby. You see, I've got the fever and the only cure is another pooping, crying, sleeping & eating machine that weighs 9 lbs at birth. Or so I thought.

Recently we decided to look into enrolling Kaylee in a private school, which comes with a hefty pricetag. Then I had another epiphany yesterday after catching my three year old son in a big ol' lie: someday soon I will have two teenagers. I don't think I'll have the strength to survive more than that. While I love babies and small children, as a former secondary educator I can say with 100% certainty that I would not want three teenagers in my home at one time. Nuff said.

Since we weren't 100% sure if we'd want a third little tax deduction, we put another method of pregnancy prevention in place until we could decide for sure. Mark the math whiz and financial guru decided LONG ago that we were done. Me, it took a little while longer. Now, I honestly don't know what scares me more, the cost of private school for two kids or the thought of three teenagers, but in any event I have finally come around to his way of thinking.

Needless to say, Mark's first words were: "I better get this done before you change your mind." So last night we did some research on the dreaded V: vasectomy. For a guy who volunteered to have one performed weeks after delivering our second child, I did find it amusing that he didn't know how to spell it! Anyhoozer.....

We googled Vasectomy and the FIRST SPONSORED LINK WAS THIS:
Don't Get A
Essure® is Perm BC You Can Trust Without Cutting or Going Under

I knew immediately that this would be some other kind of torture for a woman to go through to avoid a man having to have their little boy parts fiddled with, and I was right! The HOME PAGE of this website is dedicated to the benefits of why this procedure is SO MUCH better than a vasectomy for a male. Check this out:

I decided to do a little research because I was 100% certain this would have been invented by a man, and yes, it was. After all, why on earth would a female MD invent yet another procedure for a woman to endure so a man would yet again not need to bear the responsibility of birth control?

After all, let's take a look at the options a man has for prevention: rubbers & vasectomy
Women: the pill, hormone shots, IUDs, tubal ligation, diaphragm, cervical cap....and I could go on. Hmmm.......coincidence? I think not. If you don't believe me, google it!

I think by far the most disturbing part of the whole website is the comparison it draws to the vasectomy. You have to check it out, but honestly it was like "oh poor fella, he'll be sore for a few days and have to squirt in a cup a few times, which is actually a bonus I think, after all they get a chance to spank the money AND look at porn for a valid reason. It's like a get out of jail free card!

Never mind the 9 + months that a woman's body is invaded by an alien species, the barfing, weight gain, breast feeding, recovery, etc. Literally for nearly two years your body is NOT your own. I think it's okay for a dude to have some "slight discomfort" for a few days. After all, three days of icing the old giggle berries beats three more years of finding excuses to disappear when there's a diaper full of shit just waiting to be changed.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Lesson in genetics part 2

While traveling alone by airplane with two small children I realized that I also have become my father.

Everyone was tired, hungry and anxious to get home. Both children simultaneously burst into screaming tears for no apparent reason, and somewhere in the aiport my Dad heard the whole episode and yelled out the following phrase: "I'll GIVE YOU something to cry about!"

Like that really helped the situation. But I felt better hearing it. Thanks, Dad.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Lesson in Genetics

I'm not really sure when I officially became my mother, but last night I realized the following:
1. I heard myself say "the answer is no. no matter how many times you ask, or how you ask, the answer will still be no!"
2. The kids were trying to avoid their bedtime and I threatened bodily harm
3. I explained to the kids that the sound of thunder was just the angels bowling
4. I bribed them with dessert so they would eat their freaking vegetables
5. I actually said "Stop jumping on the couch! It's all fun and games until someone breaks an arm!"
6. When Brady gave me some attitude I simply explained, "that is no way to talk to your mother" as if a three year old is remotely capable of grasping the concept of guilt
7. I yelled things like "don't forget to flush the toilet!" and "wash your hands!" and "tur out the lights, for pete's sake you're wasting energy!"
8. AND I have a purse full of coupons, and I'm not afraid to use them!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Shock and Awe

I am about to change my blog title to Bliss, Chaos and Poop since it appears that recently poop is the number one topic, aside from clandestine sex. What happened last night is WAAAAY funnier, and slightly more disturbing, than my friend's camper trailer being sex-christened by someone else.

We live on an acre, in Sagle, with lots and lots of trees. When Brady was potty training he would frequently pee his pants because he didn't want to stop playing to go all the way in the house to use the toilet. After all, that would interfere in what he was doing.

After a couple of wet pants incidents we decided that since he is, after all, a boy, that it would be acceptable to pee outside in an emergency situation. So now he pretty much waters the weeds anytime we are outside. Might I say that we have been VERY CLEAR that he is only to do this at home, not at school, the park or anyone's else's house, unless they say it's okay.

Last night Brady said "I need to pee in the woods!" So I said "Go for it!" I saw him standing there with his little dingaling and looked away for what was a matter of three seconds. I heard him say "Mom! I got poop on my underwear!"

I leisurely strolled over thinking I might find some skid marks or something. Nope, fresh. So I asked him, "did you toot and a little poop came out?" He said "yeah, I tooted and just some poop came out" as if he was trying to convince himself that was all it was.

He pulled his pants up, and as he did so, I realized that while he was standing there and peeing, when he "tooted" he basically rocket propelled a terd right out of his butt that was just sitting right there on the side of the driveway, steaming and attracting flies, as poop usually does.

My first reaction was one of complete and total shock. Then awe, as it appears that the little guy is doing a great job ingesting fiber in his diet. Then I was kind of angry because who poops outside in their own driveway anyway??? Finally, I just started laughing uncontrollably because, quite frankly, the whole situation is really hilarious.

So I guess I have the "Phantom Pooper" and the "If I Have to do it I'll do it anywhere no matter how inappropriate it is Pooper." Lucky me. Isn't life grand?

Monday, August 3, 2009

Ode to Coffee

My eyes don't open, my mouth barely speaks
Until I feel your warm steam on my cheeks.

That first cup of java just smells so great
When getting out of bed I can hardly wait.

One pack of splenda, a little carmel cream
Wakes me up from my crappy work dream.

I love to wrap my hands on that mug
If I could I would drink you by the jug.

What would I do without thee, o coffee?
Without you, there's no morning pee.

You make me much more tolerable to most
And you taste great with my morning toast.

So warm & delicious coffee I love you,
Thankfully I'm at work for my morning poo.

Kona, Cuban, and fine French Roast blend,
Makes no difference to me, you're all my best friend.

Regular, espresso and even french press
I love them all, no favorite I guess.

I'd take it by vein or catheter too,
But hot in a mug is how I prefer you.

The faster it comes the happier I am
Just ask the kids and husband, my poor little fam!

Now, dearest coffee, I must bid you adeiu,
Until 6am when I will definitely see you.