Consider yourself warned - most of this post is me working through a hard thing, processing grief and trying to make sense of an ending I didn't see coming. I realized my very last post was 2023. It was both a tribute to my love for someone special and a way for me to acknowledge and release myself from the constant state of tension in my body. I honored him well in that post, but to this day, I am still on high alert. Always. Even when I am relaxing, I'm clenching my jaw, or my shoulders are tense, or my legs are pushing down on the ground. My quest to learn to fully relax has clearly failed, unless I'm dead asleep.
Which brings me to this therapy session today. But there's a bit of a backstory (isn't there always with me) before I get to that part. I dated someone for nearly three years, the man who I talked about in that last 2023 post. In those three years we had countless dates, lots of laughs, camping trips, other getaways together, no fighting and a hell of a lot of fun. We met each others families, celebrated holidays together, made future plans for adventures. Of any of my teenage and adult relationships, this was as good as it had ever been, as easy as I've ever known.
At the end of February this year, we went on an amazing backcountry snowmobiling trip together, staying at a rustic hot springs resort, playing cards, soaking, adventuring, and just enjoying our time. There did not seem to be anything amiss. We made camping and backpacking plans for the summer while we were exploring. We came home and he mentioned how much he enjoyed the trip, as did I.
I was leaving the following Thursday for a trip to see my daughter out of state and it would be a bit before our schedules would align again to see each other so we grabbed dinner the night before and came back to my house and had some dessert. I'll just leave that there. Everything was fine - we had a great evening and when he left so I could pack my things, nothing felt amiss.
I'd asked him to take me to the airport the next day (it was his day off from work) and he'd agreed, but when he showed up, he seemed really off. I don't want to go into details, but my spidey senses were tingling and they are never wrong. Something was really off. I am not the kind of person that just sits around and wonders so I reached out - via email - because he has a android and I could not text him from the plane. I noted he seemed off, asked if he was OK, asked if we were OK and he responded that everything was fine, and that it was just bad drivers and traffic that had him on edge. I took that at face value and didn't worry. We texted here and there back and forth but not a lot - I was there to support my kid.
On Sunday as I was getting ready to fly home I texted him a photo of the lobster I devoured and he texted right back. I told him I was at the hotel near the airport and if he felt like calling when he got home to catch up I'd be around. He replied that he would and he did. Nothing seemed amiss on the phone, and when we hung up I jumped on Facebook to see what was happening in the world. Before I'd even texted him he had posted pictures of our trip including a selfie of us together. That was reassuring that we were fine.
I know that is a lot - and there is so much more I could say here but that's not really the story for today. The point of all this is that as soon as I got home, he got dodgy. I knew he was sick so I called him Tuesday to check in - he didn't call or text back until the next morning. That's unusual. For him, that's like ghosting me. I didn't have time to text back until the evening (he'd said in the morning his throat was sore and he hadn't felt like talking but that we'd catch up soon). I asked how he was feeling that evening and he replied he was at a meeting and feeling much better. That felt like the morning was a lie. I figured we'd get together the next evening and expected a call or text back. Nothing.
So I texted midday on Thursday and asked what was going on. I expected him to say everything was fine and let's get together. I heard nothing from him for hours. Knowing it was his day off and that he usually texted back right way I knew something was really weird. I tried to call him - no answer. But I knew he had his phone in his hand (don't ask me how I know).
I texted again. And again and asked if he was OK and that I was worried. He texted back, about an hour later with the following words:
"I think we should see other people. I know this will sting a little bit but you'll be fine. I can make arrangements to get your things to you. I don't want to have a long drawn out break up so I hope we can do this without a lot of drama."
My friends, all zero of you reading this, this is not only not what I expected to read, but also not how I expected someone who allegedly cared about me (leaving me to question my judgment of character at this point) to treat me nor how I expected a long term relationships with absolutely no drama would end.
It didn't, and still doesn't, make any sense. And it was kind of cruel. And totally unnecessary. But maybe that's why he did it. And that hurts too. He was my best friend. I cared very deeply for this man. I thought those sentiments were reciprocated. And just like that, it was all over. He carved me out of his life like a tumor.
It's funny and weird but we supported each other in so many ways during those years. We even talked about having each others backs if something happened to the other one. He supported me through one of the worst bouts of depression I've ever experienced, the loss of my job, my home (these were planned and intentional by me but still very hard) and I supported him in many ways through a lot of different struggles that I'm not going to share simply because those are his things, not mine.
I feel like I'm trying to balance my checkbook, I can't carry the two and it's never going to make sense or be right or balance out. No matter what I try to do.
I was, and am, deeply hurt. Confused. Angry. And I'll never understand. And if you know me well, you know I wasn't going to let this go. So I questioned him. I wanted to know what I did wrong. If I said something wrong. Friends, either someone wrote his emails or he used AI to reply, but I am telling you, he didn't write the words. He said he wanted to go a different direction. WTF does that even mean. He used AI or his new girlfriend (I am assuming) to help him apologize and justify his actions by saying he isn't good with words and takes the direct approach. He also said he had been feeling this way for awhile. Could have fooled me, and I suppose he did.
I promise I will get to the point of this therapy session. BUT - I don't care of you're bad with words, or take the direct approach. I respect being direct, I am too, but I can't understand why you would use those words and in a text no less, not even a phone call FFS, to explain how you're feeling to someone you've been in a long relationship with.
Because if you ever really cared, that's not what you would do. At lease that's not what I would do. And now I'm left to ponder the last 3 years of my life, and that relationship, and try to both make sense of it and to be gentle with myself. Because all I can think of is I misjudged the closeness of our relationship, the time we spent together, and mostly, the kind of person I thought he was. Because I can't reconcile his actions with my memory.
And his actions win out every time right now.
So back to the sleep thing - this is truly the only time I am ever able to let all the tension go. And lately I've been struggling with sleep, no shit. But last night, I finally FINALLY slept hard enough to dream. And of course, my subconscious saw fit to put him in there.
There was a big event, what it was I have no idea, but there were tons of people I knew in attendance. Including his family, who I adore. I got lots of hugs and how are you's from his family and it FELT good to see them in this dream. Like it was the most normal thing. I felt loved. And that felt lovely, and I miss that.
Suddenly he appeared at the event. And I was shocked. He approached me and said he'd made a mistake. I told him that yes, he really had. He said he wanted to make it up to me and while it took a little convincing (not as much as it should have) eventually I relented.
We enjoyed the event together - it felt good and familiar, having him touch me, hug me, kiss me, like he always did. I felt cared about, which was how I felt always when we were together. But, we both knew that in order to move forward we would need to talk, have a real conversation about everything that happened, after the event was over.
The dream was lovely, until it wasn't. As the event was wrapping up, he just disappeared. Poof. No one knew where he went. Not his family, not his friends. not me. He just left without saying a word. His car was gone. So was he. And I was left all over again, with no understanding about what happened but knowing in my heart, that he was never capable of having hard conversations, and I doubt that he ever will be.
That was the reality that my subconscious slapped me in the face with. And it is the sad truth. And I know I need someone who can talk about hard things, meet me where I'm at, embrace my crazy, be the calm in my storm, navigate emotionally challenging waters with me, and be willing to stay in it, even if things get hard. That wasn't him, and deep in my soul, I think I knew that.
If my dream scenario were to happen in real life (it won't) I would truly not even consider getting back together with him. There is nothing he could ever say to undo his words and his actions. In the end I think he showed me who he really is. And I can't believe I was fooled for almost 3 years that he was someone else entirely.
The dream provided me with an epiphany and some closure in its own way. And I am very grateful for that. But it still leaves me questioning why I didn't see through him, how I could have spent three years with someone who really never gave a shit about me. How did I miss that? Am I capable of really seeing people for who they are? It causes me to feel like I can't trust myself or anyone else.
That feels just as painful as the breakup, because that's not how I've ever held my heart. I am a lover of people, for who they are, and I have never felt like I couldn't give a piece of my heart to someone: friend, relative, partner, anyone really.
But now I am not sure I trust it, with myself, or anyone else anymore. Maybe with a little time, that can change. I hope it does. And I hope these emotional wounds heal up so that all that's left are the scars that remind me of the lessons I need to learn. And I know, without a doubt, that I will be OK.
And if he ever reads this post (he won't) I hope that even if he's not capable of a lot of emotional depth, I hope he understands that other people are. Other people feel deeply, fully and without hesitation. And maybe he will try a little harder to understand that words and actions have unintended consequences. And next time, be the kind and caring man I truly thought he was.
