I am about to embark on another huge adventure. Probably the biggest adventure of my 50 trips around the sun: I am taking a solo trip to Italy for 2.5 weeks and I could not possibly be more excited.
Some people have asked me if I am nervous or scared to go. That's the funny thing about being Maude: I'm rarely scared, and only occasionally nervous. I've jumped out of an airplane, gone bungee jumping & zip lining, and risked my life to save little sailboats on Lake Coeur d'Alene in my youth. I'm the crazy person in the front of the roller coaster and I have never, ever met a ride that put fear in my soul.
I can definitively say the one thing I'm scared of is being alone for the rest of my life, while at the same time I have zero desire to be in a relationship. That's the other funny thing about being Maude: I'm an enigma. Always an enigma.
I am, however, learning to love my own company. I've done all kinds of things on the solo track this year and I know without a shadow of a doubt that traveling to a foreign country will be no different. Friends, this will be the first time in my life I will have ever stamped my passport.
And I'm hoping this is not a one and done. To be honest, I've always had a wandering heart. A desire to see the world. Soak up some history. See things I've only read about in books. So here I am. And thanks to a shitload of miles due to COVID and no travel, I can finally make this happen.
Two and a half weeks of travel time. Time to think. To process. Evaluate and re-evaluate what I want to do and who I want to be. Many of my friends have asked me if this is my eat, pray, love adventure. I laughed it off at first but as I thought about it, it really kind of is.
I will eat and drink (sooo much amazing wine) my way through all of central and southern Italy. I cannot wait to sit in a café somewhere with espresso and my laptop and tell some stories that have been living in my brain for way too long.
It will be incredible to taste REAL limoncello, authentic and locally made olive oil, all the prosecco my liver can process and figure out how in the hell to avoid gluten in Italy.
I will pray. I imagine I'll pray a lot: on the flight that I make it safely. On the country roads in the little Fiat I rented, on the cliffs, in the city of Rome, on the canals of Venice and I imagine, even though I no longer practice Catholicism, I'll visit a few old churches and reconnect with my faith in God, outside of the constructs of being Catholic.
I do envision a lot of praying not to die as I drive a tiny car on back roads in a country I've never been to.
And love. What is that going to be? I'm not looking for love with anyone but myself. I hope, I pray (and I'll eat a few meals while I manifest this thing) that I will learn to love myself. My imperfect, loud, inappropriate, funny at times, occasionally brilliant but mostly average, tall, freckle-faced, gray haired and wrinkled self.
I don't know if I ever have loved myself fully and completely. I've spent most of my 50 years wishing I were different somehow, better than I am, shorter, skinnier, more athletic, less of a misfit, more successful, funnier, quieter, less freckled, more confident and less of a screw up than what I see when I look in the mirror.
I hope that I will come home with more love for myself for all of my imperfections and all of my mistakes. And for all the things that truly make me who I am.
And I hope that when I come home I'll feel a little more like a whole person, maybe a little more like myself. I am still struggling to make sense of my life and how I got here and what I want for the rest of it.
Italy may not have all the answers, but it sure has good food and wine and places to see. I really can't ask for more than that.
And, if I can love myself just enough...my future, no matter what it holds, will be wonderful.
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