Girls Night Out gets REALLY funny...

About a week ago I had the opportunity to hear an amazing local band out at Jantzen Beach.  Heavy Metal Machine was playing and my friends and I felt like we were long overdue for a much discussed but never done ladies night out.

We're all about the same age so any band covering Poison, Guns N Roses and Journey would totally be our thang.  So we all got dressed up in our bestest mom sweaters and high-waist jeans with our cleanest practical shoes and drove out to JB to dance our asses off.

I elected to be the sober driver, mostly because I don't really like to drink anymore, too many calories and well I'm 40 now so it feels like a natural time to say "I'm too old to drink anymore" (and also because a couple of months ago when we hosted game night with our friends I had lots of beverages and spent all of Saturday with "the flu", according to my children, and well, I'm still not over it!)

Three moms, one long week and an 80's metal band playing at a hotel/convention center was literally a haven for blog material.

You know since we're moms, we left on time to be sure we got there early, but then the bar wasn't open, so we went to the "other" bar/restaurant to get our drank on.  I had A GLASS of wine, that took me a very long time to drink.  The ladies had a beer each while we eagerly awaited the opportunity to pay a $10 cover to get in.

TOTALLY WORTH THE $10 COVER CHARGE!!! I would gladly pay $20 to hear the band, and the people watching?  Fricken' PRICELESS.

Here's a quick rundown on the evenings bounty:

1.  BUST A MOVE:  Middle aged white people who have only had a glass or two of beer to drink cannot dance.  (my company aside, who seriously have some SWEET MOVES) most everyone else on the dance floor at the beginning needed some lemon drop shots to loosen up a bit.  It was like watching ducks bob up and down on a pond.  Then again, the drunker you are, your dance moves don't necessarily improve.  You just think they do.

2.  FEELING VULNERABLE:  As I mentioned, the hotel also hosts conferences, and early on before the dance floor got really crowded, as I was soberly (but giving it a good effort) shaking my ass with my besties, I looked behind me and noticed a line of dudes, likely all married, holding their drinks and simply enjoying the show.  At this point I realized A) I'm sober; B) I gotta write this shizzle down for my drinking buddies; and C) the blog is writing itself.

3.  DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING:  One of my favorite peeps of the night was this guy who was wearing a tie dyed peace sign shirt, you could tell he was really feeling the music, if you know what I mean.  I LOVE free form dance.  Really, I do.  I am not sure if he was drinking, but I almost wanted a lil' of what he was having.  He CLEARLY felt ALL RIGHT.  I'm not even sure he noticed everyone else out there.

4.  DANCE LIKE SOMEONE IS WATCHING, YOU FREAK:  Then there was this guy who was like AIR HUMPING the band while they were playing.  Seriously.  No schmidt.  AIR.  HUMPING.  With the whole put-your-fists-out-front-then-pull-in-together-and-force-your-hips-forward and REPEAT air humping.  Then, his "date" showed up, and I kept thinking GET A ROOM.  And then they did.

5.  I AM 50 HEAR ME ROAR:  As expected there were a few Cougars in the room, but sad to say the average age at the bar that night was probably 40.  Happy hunting, ladies.  In all, it was refreshing because it wasn't like a hook up kinds of night, so us lil' old ladies with our crochet purses didn't feel all out of sorts. 

6.  BARBIES:  There was a group I called the plastics.  Have you ever seen that woman that's had so much plastic surgery she looks like a cat?  Yeah, I think she was there that night.  I was so afraid to go near her, I thought her nose might fall off.  And her friends all had work done too, one lady had some seriously nice lady junk, I was almost a little jealous.  They were so funny to watch too, I was watching them over my buddy's shoulder and she was like "the show is on stage" and I said "oh, no really, the show is right behind you!"  And it was.  Until....

7.  HAPPY ST. PATTY'S INDEED:  The luck of the "Irish" clearly doesn't translate into avoiding a wardrobe malfunction, however you also would need to wear clothes that aren't 4 sizes to small and screaming for relief.  I'm thinking stripper barbie got the night off and forgot to change into something less whore-ific.  Let me attempt to describe from the bottom up:  thigh high Pretty Woman-ish streetwalker boots, short and tight black skirt that covered most of her generous ass, and topping off the ensemble was a bright emerald green corset (again 4 sizes too small) with gigantic boobs flopping out and over them.  And seriously, flopping out and over.  And over and over and over.  I watched her scoop those puppies back in every three minutes.  It. Was. GROSS.

The whole entire night was really, really fun.  Periodically I would run to the table and type up my notes for the blog.  I would down a big glass of water (after they charged me $2 for a soda water & lime)!  For shizzle!  After the glass of wine was $8!  Beer was $5, I need to re-visit the whole beer drinking thing.  After college it's been tough to gag one down, too much of a good thing and all.  But seriously $8?  For WINE?!  I wouldn't spend that on an entire bottle for shit's sake.

After all the water I had to pee really bad, and dancing (gravity) only made it worse.  I made the mistake of asking the bouncer for directions to the loo, and he gave me PERFECT directions, except for they were directly to the men's room.  Which makes since because he's a dude, and that's where he goes!  Glad I noticed the sign before I barged in.

I visited the ladies room many times, and the last time I was in there, well, a little something something was a-going on in the handicapped stall.  Oh my.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.  Felt kinda bad for interrupting.  Not sure what to even say... so I said nothing, and was as quiet as possible ('cause I wanted to hear what I could hear of course) and left as quickly as I could.

I was pretty tired that night at the end, us moms, we shut that mo-fo down!  We bitches be cool!  So as I'm looking at my notes there are a few things I don't really remember, and sadly, I really wish I did:

Drunk sweaty guy doing the mosh pit
Near threesomes
White dudes and air guitar
Nike running tights

It's a mystery....but maybe when I go back, and I WILL GO BACK, to the scene of the crime I'll remember the rest.  Or, as luck would have it I hope, I'll just have more material.

Signing off,

Maude, the menopausal dancing MACHINE