Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I shouldn't complain.....but.......

OK I know this is NOT a post I should pen, I am sure I'll take some heat, but with all the hot flashes I get, I can take it.  BRING it bitches.  Ha ha ha.....

There's really not much I'd change about the way things have worked out for me at this point.  Well, I'd probably forgo breast cancer entirely, but I'd still like to keep Bonnie & Clyde.  Getting a new rack was my just dessert for having my old ones turn on me. 

That said, I think I got a little bit greedy when selecting the finished product.  When you've spent your whole life without any boobs (save for pregnancy and also the time I was fat, for like years) I'd estimate about 30 of my 40 years my chest area looked like a teenage boy.

So when presented with the opportunity to actually have a new front porch, I was reluctant at first to go big or go home.  No, at first I felt a little guilt at thinking I might like a nicer pair that what was removed.  But, I got over that.  QUICK.

You don't REALLY know how big they'll be during reconstruction until all is said and done, the implants are in and the swelling goes down.  I cried, literally CRIED when the lady (ironically named Tami, which was the nickname I chose for my tamoxifen induced alter-ego) told me my size.

You spend your whole life at a negative cup size, and suddenly you're a freaking D?!?!  I won the booby lottery peeps!  And, I got three new TOTALLY FREE bras (thank you insurance) from one of the best places to buy bras: NORDSTROM!

This was all in January, WELL before summer season and bathing suit weather.  So here's the complaint, and it's ALL good mind you, but oy.  What an adventure.

I am 6 feet tall.  I weigh less than I should (I'm not sayin' cuz my Mom reads this blog and she'll tell me to eat more) so sporting a D makes it kinda hard to find a bathing suit top.  And it's partially because of the size and also because, well, these suckers don't MOVE.

Normal boobs can sort of get mushed around into a bra or swim top.  Try it, you'll see.  Implants, well they really don't go anywhere.  There are benefits, more on that later, but trying on swimsuits was an epic adventure.

I have one tankini that I can wear to the pool, and I really wanted to add another one into the rotation.  The college boys at the pool this week have seen far too much of me, as has the kid who just graduated from the high school where I work.  Let's just say Bonnie & Clyde have been getting plenty of Vitamin D....

I made the mistake of buying a top "off the rack" at Old Navy.  Got it home and slapped it on and my lady junk BARELY fit into the cup, and I mean the cups only covered the bottom third of my boobelies.  RETURN.

Thinking the molded cup option was out, but anything else was fair game, Kaylee and I hit Target last night for summer shorts for her and a tankini top for me.  I tried one on, and yes, it looked FANTASTIC on Bonnie & Clyde, but not 40 year old mother of two with a job at a high school fantastic, it was 20 something with perky tits and no children have sucked the life out of them fantastic. 

I took a picture and texted it to Mark to get his opinion.  I figured if he thought it showed too much (he's quite proud of them actually) then it was not the right choice.  Unfortunately I received the following text in reply to my query of too revealing?:  "Little bit.  Plus, your son saw this text.  He's traumatized."

Poor kid.  But, they did look spectacular.  And not at all real.

So back to the drawing board, Kaylee and I snagged 6 more tops to try on of a variety of shapes & sizes.  I was DRIPPING WITH SWEAT at the end, it's hard to squeeze into tankini tops over and over and over and honestly I couldn't really find one that was appealing.  For the most part, if the boob area fit me, the rest of the suit looked like I was wearing a tent, or a maternity suit.

If the rest of the suit fit, the top looked like it was straining to keep things contained.  Bonnie & Clyde were wanting to run free if ya know what I mean.  So I KNOW this is a random and COMPLETELY selfish rant, I mean who the F should complain that their new boobs are too big for a bathing suit?  But I just found it more amusing than anything else. 

I should note that eventually I DID find something that is somewhat acceptable in the end, but it was an hour long process and I think Kaylee fell asleep during the whole ordeal.  Poor girl.  Now I've officially traumatized both kids as she was stuck in the dressing room with me....

Oh well, add it to the list of things they can discuss with their therapist when they are grown.  Anyone have some referrals for me yet?

So you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have me running around without a bra today.  FREEDOM! (remember me telling you there IS a benefit to boobs that don't move?)

I promise to never ever ever ever complain about my new lady junk, I just had to share this, because, you know, I'm just a giver.

XOXO

Maude

4 comments:

LatteLover said...

They are spectacular. :-)

JMW said...

I came across your blog via Another Mother Runner's site and had to say hi. I'm currently being treated for Stage 2 breast cancer (two more chemo treatments to go!) and will have my double mastectomy by the end of summer, followed by radiation. I so miss running and hope to return to it with great gusto when this "blip" in my life is said and done. Glad to see someone like you who has gotten through it and is running again. Rock on!

H Bender said...

Thank you for this post! Ironically today i did my research on my options as well as viewed "after" photos on my doca website (scary & traumatizing). I can identify with the height to weight issue and actually hope to remain the same size in the end. I am most petrified of mobility, scaring and never wearing a bikini again. I know this is a bit vein but like you, I have worked very hard at this old 2 kid & 40 yr old body. WHATEVER- I try to tell myself but we now how long that mask lasts somedays.
I love your blog and YES humor and a little ignorance is bliss in this chaos!
Glad to hear you are well and otherwise enjoying the twins;).
Hugs- Heather
PS- The Austrailian lady is a nutbag!

Maude said...

LatteLover: THANK YOU! ;)

JMW and H Bender: Love you girls, big hugs to you both, in various stages of your fight. Kick some ass and trust me, you'll be rocking those new boobs in no time. Keep me posted too on how you are doing. Best part? No one is alone in this, we're all in it together. Life is good with a new front porch, that's all I have to say about that. XOXO