Putting on my big girl panties

Who needs to take all that nasty "prep" before a colonscopy, simply register for a sprint triathlon (or fill in the blank for whatever you might do), train for it for months and then wait until the day before. 

I guarantee your colon will be so clean it sparkles, like in that Orbit Gum commercial. Really.  It totally will.

Today is supposed to be a day of carbo fueling, (not counting calories) and resting.  A day I look forward to for MONTHS.  Instead, I'm "running" to the bathroom and can't hardly eat a darn thing. 

So while I'll be on the lighter side for my first sprint triathlon tomorrow, I'll also be under fueled.  Which brings me to my post for the day.

I started training for this event in May.  I haven't gotten injured, I only missed one week of training (a rest week no less, because I got sick) and I even did a practice tri (recently, and I did a blog about it) and I smoked it.  So why would I, at this point, be so nervous that I can't even eat?!?!

I decided it's time for me to put on my big girl panties and own up to my fears.  Maybe writing it down will lessen some of my nerves so I can finally relax and get mentally prepared.

I'm nervous for the swim.  I'm a confident swimmer, and I've been in open water before.  However, I've not ever swam through a sewer, which is what Blue Lake smelled like when I attempted my second, and final, pre-race open water swim last Saturday.

Maybe it was the slight hangover, but I kind of doubt it.  I got in the water up to my knees and promptly DRY HEAVED from the smell.  That one EPIC FAILURE has me concerned that I'm not gonna be able to suck it up and swim in that cesspool.

I decided to bail out on the swim last weekend, thinking (rationalizing) that perhaps acquiring the PLAGUE a week before my race wasn't a good plan.  So I'm kinda freaking out about that. 

At the very least I timed my side stroke yesterday in the pool and it is slightly slower than my freestyle, and slightly faster than my breast stroke. I don't have to put my face in the water with that one, and I've got NO SHAME if I have to bust it out.

So assuming I survive the swim, then I have to ride 12 miles on a bike.  That I borrowed.  Because I'm an idiot and I registered for an event that requires a bike.  And I don't have one. 

But as far as borrowed bikes go, this one is the SHIZZLE, a super light and fast Trek road bike, that even has an AMERICAN FLAG and the name of it's OWNER on the side (my BRF's hubby who is an AVID and REALLY GOOD cyclist). 

My only issue with the bike, aside from it being a bike (I say a Hail Mary every 1/2 mile while riding folks, I'm THAT terrified) is the tires are really really really skinny.

The run is the part I'm the least concerned about, aside from just hoping I'm not out of gas before I even get there.  I've been training hard so I have hope that between what I want to be a somewhat restful sleep and the fuel plan I have in place (yes, it does include bananas) will hold me until the end.

So aside from total panic and many "what the hell was I thinking" moments, the bottom line is that I really don't want to just finish.  I always say "Oh I'm happy to finish on my own power" but honestly that is total bullshit.

This time, THIS TIME, I want to crush my race plan.  Not just smash it a little, but CRUSH IT, like stomp on it and do a little dance on top of it with a big smile on my face crush it.  And I think I can.  But what I need to say is I KNOW I can, but I'm not there.  YET.  I might not be there until I actually do it.

There's a lot of pressure that I put on myself for this.  It's all that time I've spent training, time that my husband had to pick up the slack and deal with 2 (and for the summer 3) kids all by himself.

Saturday mornings that I didn't sleep in and snuggle, evening workouts where I could have been home with my husband. Time away from my responsibilities as a mother.  But yet, it's the time away spent training that allows me to stay a mostly sane human. 

My BRF is coming to watch me and I don't want her to have gotten up so freaking ass crack early only to choke it up during the race.  I watched her do this event last year (I was supposed to do it WITH her but well, life got in the way) and I don't want to disappoint her.  I want to have a good showing.  And she's got one big ass cowbell to ring.....seriously.  On loan.  From a drummer.

My dear sweet husband and children will be there too.  This has been a sacrifice for them as well.  I don't want to disappoint them with a crappy race and have three months of effort be for nothing and then have a really crabby mom.  If I fail, swim, bike, or run....I'll have failed my family.

Finally, if I don't do well I will feel like I failed myself.  You don't give up this much time to train for something and be mildly accepting if you don't do as well as you thought.  Let's be honest.

And I know what I think I am capable of for this event, and I'm afraid if I don't complete this event to the level I am capable of, that I'll never forgive myself. 

I set my B goal as 1:50.  That's a 25 minute swim, 45 minute bike, 30 minute run and 10 minutes total transition time.  I know I can nail that.

I set my A goal as 1:40.  That's a 20 minute swim, 40 minute bike and 30 minute run, with another 10 minutes total transition time.  Again, I know that's achievable.

But, if I'm being honest, I CAN do better than that.  I am CAPABLE of better than that.  I'm capable of an 18 minute swim, 36 minute bike, 25 minute run with 6 minutes total transition time.  That's 1:25.  I am CAPABLE of it, I just don't think I WILL do it.

For tomorrow, though, I'm not gunning for 1:25.  I'll save that for another sprint, another time.  I need to make space in my head to say that I'm going to hit my A goal, and I will get there, no problem. 

I NEED to stop the self doubt, put my fears aside, and put on my big girl panties and know that I've trained, HARD, for months.  Tomorrow is the main event, and this time I will put everything out there and see what happens.  There will be no "I think I could have done better on X, Y or Z."

I already feel better having written this all down.   Right now I'm going to go (gag down) eat (another) banana and hope that tomorrow I'll have finished all my nervous pooping and wake up rested, happy and ready to kick some ass.