Maude the Marathon Jumper

OK please don't turn me in, please.  I jumped into the Portland Marathon yesterday, but only for a little bit.  Before you get all "what?  you ran a marathon you crazy B?" let's get one thing straight: I'm probably not ever going to run a marathon. 

Probably.  Before yesterday I said NEVER, but now it's PROBABLY never, which gives me a loophole so in the future if I DO decide to run one you can't say I said never.  PROBABLY never.  There you go.

My day started at 4:55AM, of course I woke up five minutes prior to my alarm clock (dammit) even though I really really needed those extra five minutes of sleep.  I threw on my running gear, choked down my breakfast, grabbed snacks & water and headed out to pick up my Best Running Friend. (I did, for the record, also brush my teeth somewhere in there)

I rolled up to her place at 5:22AM, 8 minutes ahead of schedule, but I know how much she hates to be late.  Me, I was BORN late.  As my Daddy used to say I'll be late for my own funeral.  But for her, well I just made it happen. 

Thank GOD she had coffee in a to go cup all ready for me.  She was locked & loaded and we hit the freeway, making it downtown in record time.  It's amazing how fast you can get places around here at 5:30AM when NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND IS AWAKE.  Except marathon runners, who I would argue, definitely not in their right mind.  See?

Once we arrived we wandered the streets like a couple of homeless chicks trying to find corral D.  Things look VERY different in the dark in downtown PDX.  Up side?  With so many runners lurking about, stretching and pooping, I never did worry about getting mugged.

Speaking of the poop, it wouldn't be a Maude race recap if we didn't discuss the deuce.  Again, I must repeat, I was NOT running the marathon, yet I had a healthy case of the sympathy colon.  Both my BRF and I would have easily been able to have a colonoscopy pre-race, as clean as we were.  I was thrilled to see the number of porta-potties they had down there as well.  Big time KUDOS. 

There was one moment where folks got tired of waiting and formed their own line.  I didn't realize it until one of those bastards ran in front of me to grab a porta potty on the end.  The next lady in the new line informed me that my choices were #s 3&4, but their line had dibs on 1&2. 

I immediately informed them that A) I was crowning, B) would only be a minute and C) I wish I had thought to form my own line.  Door #3 opened and I zipped in there before she could beat me up or steal my spot.  I was done in less than 30 seconds and announced as I exited "THAT is HOW IT'S DONE, FOLKS!"  A little pre-race humor never hurt anyone.

I hung with my BRF and while we chatted, she fiddled with her fuel/water/clothing/GARMIN and holy shit her GARMIN actually FROZE.  I gotta hand it to her, she handled it better than I would have, or did.  She futzed around with it while I posted on FB: Who can bring Cyndie their GARMIN in the next 30 minutes?!?  Crisis averted, she just had to reset.  PHEW.  Post was immediately removed.

Eventually it was time for me to head out and find my way to mile 6ish where our other BAMR (bad ass mother runner) friend would meet me so we could run some of the WORST six miles of the marathon, an out and back along Naito/Front that was just horribly boring, with our buddy.

We had about 20 minutes to hang out and watch all these amazing athletes run by, what I love is that runners can opt to have their name on their bib, which is big enough for ME to read as they whizzed by even without my nerd goggles on.

At no point in the day, up to this moment, did I ever have that "oh I wish I were doing this" feeling.  Not once.  In fact, I didn't get that feeling at all until later.  But I squished it quickly, more on that later.

My BRF's husband kept me updated as to her status, so we knew when to expect her.  After a few false alarms, several ladies wore green tanks with gray/black bottoms, the "interception" went perfectly, both of us jumped in and flanked our gal and ran with her as long as we could.

We ran and chatted, chatted and ran.  I took a few pics by sprinting ahead and even got a cool group selfie WHILE running!  The nearly 6 miles we ran simply flew by for us.  The only place where I got a little teeny weeny bit upset was the section where there was a group of total freaking idiots dressed in Pirate garb.

I am not shitting you at all when I tell you that they had explosives.  No joke.  They had a fake cannon and then a fake gun but let me tell you the sounds they made were real, and THEY WERE LOUD.  I IMMEDIATELY thought of Boston, peed myself a tiny bit, then when I saw the pirates I got kinda mad.

They were all high-fiving us as we ran by and I told all all three of those assholes what a poor choice those loud explosions were.  "REALLY?!  You think that's a good idea in a MARATHON? DUUUDE!"

Seeing as how it's an out and back, just so you know they weren't exploding anything when we ran back through.  I am sure I wasn't the only one to give them a piece of my mind.

Have you ever tried running & texting with the voice to text feature?  I have.  It sucks.  My BRFs husband texted me to see if she really did want pretzels at mile 12.  I texted back "Yes she asked for the pretzels" but it said instead "yes, she asked for butt cells".  WTF? 

There were several examples and her husband couldn't help but make fun of me.  So I texted back "Fucking voice to text" and SHOCKINGLY the damn phone got that exactly right!!!!

At about mile 11 she asked us to run ahead so we could get a photo of her with her husband and children, but she was hauling ass at this point so we then had to haul even MORE ass to get there first.  We did, with only a few moments to spare. 

Prezels dispensed, photos taken, runner off and I realized I was FRICKEN starving so we headed back to the finish line in search of a Starbucks.  If you've been to PDX you know that Starbucks are like Prius's, you can swing a dead cat at any intersection and hit at least two.

But when you NEED one, g-damn Siri can't seem to understand what the frick you're talking about.  I needed three things: food, hot coffee, and at this point a place to PEE.  We wandered around and I started to panic worrying we'd miss her big finish.  Security at the PDX 'thon is TIGHT and I LOVE it.  You can't get to the actual FINISH line. Brilliant.  I mean that sincerely. 

We FINALLY found coffee, but the line was too long for the crapper so we headed out again and found another Starbucks like a block away.  See, when you don't need them you can find them EVERYWHERE.

We headed out once again in search of the best spot to see her coming in.  When we finally found it we had about 18 minutes to spare, and I'm not even lying when I say she showed up exactly 18 minutes later.

While we stood there and watched all the finishers coming through I was momentarily caught up in the excitement and thought how cool it would be to be finishing the MARATHON right now, with all those people there watching and cheering. 

Then, I remembered that you have to TRAIN to run 26.2 (no thank you) AND people clapped and cheered for me when I finished 13.1 just as much.  So in about ten seconds I (mostly) talked myself of ever running a marathon. MOSTLY.

So my BRF who trained for months, complete her first marathon in 4:04.  I am amazed, impressed and completely inspired.  Such an amazing accomplishment for any human, but so incredibly rewarding for me to be there to witness this achievement by someone I hold dear to my heart.

Well done friend.  Well done.