Saturday, November 24, 2018

Maude VS Buyer’s Remorse

Ugh.  You guys.  Never ever ever ever shop Amazon Prime after two glasses of wine.  Just don’t.

They say alcohol leads to poor choices and for the most part in my life I’m like 75/25 on that.  As a grown woman rounding the age corner and barreling at full speed towards  50 I assumed that I was past that stage.

I was wrong.

I readily acknowledge I’m not the first to post the mantra “never prime while drinking” and I know without a shadow of a doubt I won’t be the last.  But if this confessional saves even one person from my fate it will have been worth it in the end.

As Cher likes to say “if I could turn back time” I would NOT check my phone/Facebook at 10:15pm before heading to bed.  If only Amazon had a time machine on their lightning deals…..sigh.

But alas my brain is programmed to see what the world is up to before I drift into a fitful sleep of hot flashes and all night peeing.  There was, and I am not making this up, a post informing the world that the 8 quart instant pot was on sale on Amazon for $69.99.  People, if you do not know that is like STEALING the instant pot you must have been living under a rock.

I don’t have any money right now.  Like none.  My husband started his own business so I’m the only person who is depositing cash into our checking account every two weeks  and I work for a nonprofit so like, just do the math.  And it’s Christmas so what the f*!k was I thinking purchasing this item?

Two glasses of wine took all the hesitation away and I got all wrapped up in the lightning deal.  CURSES to YOU Amazon.  CURSES.

As soon as I clicked “place order” I was overcome with instant-regret.  Again, WTF was I thinking?

My kids will now only receive the gift of instant pot meals this holiday season.

And maybe some socks. And underwear.  Can’t forget the underwear.  Santa’s a giver…..

I went to bed thinking that I would wake up excited and start googling recipes or feel terrible and try to cancel the order.  So I did both.  I am an exceptional multi-tasker.  As evidence I give you exhibit A: my new instant pot ordered while drinking AND goofing off on my phone….

So anyhoozer I spent time on an instant pot recipe exchange facebook page and with Amazon simultaneously.  For reals I attempted to cancel the order all while googling recipes.  You know, keeping my options open.

Unfortunately it was a lightning deal so they were lightning fast in processing the damn thing so come Tuesday evening no later than 8pm it will be on my porch.

I’m still a little angry that I drank and primed, but all my friends assure me that I’ll love this new appliance.  I mean if it cooks food for my family in a fraction of the time I might make out with it.

Hell, if it cleans up after itself, empties the dishwasher on occasion and does all the grocery shopping I just might marry it.

I remain cautiously optimistic that this will have been a solid purchase but I have yet to find recipes that meet my very specific criteria:  easy, healthy, one step, quick, delicious, family friendly, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, carb free, cashew free instant pot recipes for dummies.  (this is literally from one of my facebook pleas for help)

So it is 100% with mixed emotions that I welcome this new cooking appliance into my home.  Anticipation that it will allow me to place healthy food on the table for my family in a fraction of the time and absolute dread that it will end up on the shelf in my pantry like the rice cooker, crock pot, kitchen aid mixer……..

In closing, friends don’t let friends drink and Prime.  Peace, OUT.

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