Friday Night Lights

After an unplanned break from blogging (due to a severe case of writer's block), I'm back baby! I'll start off with my very eventful Friday evening for starters, then work my way into other goodies in a couple of days.

March Madness has arrived, and as such that means I'm a basketball widow. Mark rounded up some buddies Friday night and they went to watch the Gonzaga V Florida State game at a bar in downtown Sandpoint, with lots of TVs.

My Father, bless his heart, came up for the night to hang out with me & the kids and I was expecting Mark home around 7pm, after the game was over. At approximately 7pm I received a phone call from my very inebriated hubs informing me that he had been at the 219 (Sandpoint's only Five Star Dive Bar, self proclaimed) and was now at A&Ps across the street. (I will NOT say what I believe A&Ps stands for, but if ya wanna email me, I'll tell you privately.)

Mark asked if I would be so kind as to pick his drunk ass up when he decided he'd had enough to which I replied (being the awesome wife I am) "as long as it's by 10pm since that's when I am going to bed, otherwise you can take a cab."

My Dad and I watched basketball after putting the increasingly goofy children in their beds for the night and waited for Mark to call. At 10pm SHARP, my cell phone rang and I think I heard Mark say "hold on a sec, Brent wants to talk to you" and then I heard a lot of unintelligible slurring that ended with "Mark is ready to come home."

As many of you know, I usually give up alcohol for lent, and this year was no different so I wasn't at all concerned about driving to pick him up. I had nothing but ice water all night long. My only concern was that my front right headlight was out and as you'll recall around here that is the FAVORITE reason to be pulled over by law enforcement. It has only been 18 months since the last time it happened.

So I pulled up to the curb in front of A&Ps and the hubs plopped into the minivan smelling like a cigar/brewery and proceeded to tell me how to drive. I got to the stop sign at Second & Church where Mark told me I didn't need to stop, then pointed out that it was a good thing I was driving. I said, well you know I am driving in the dark with a headlight out, right? He wasn't too concerned.

However, when I got to the stop sign ONE BLOCK LATER I saw a Sandpoint Police Car pull over to the right side of the road. I told Mark, "You realize I am about to be pulled over, right?" and he said "yep" and then I think he belched.

Sure enough, as I rounded the corner in front of Ivano's the lights started flashing. Honestly, is it really necessary to pull over a freaking mini-van with one headlight out? For Pete's sake, people speed, throw cigarettes out their windows and a host of other sins, but I have to be pulled over twice in less than two years for a headlight out?

And ya know what? We replace those damn things about every three months, it seems to be a stupid electrical issue for the van. I never know when they will go out next! Hope they don't both go out at once, as I discovered happens a lot via edmunds.com search.

Needless to say I was pretty pissed at this point. But I tried to be nice & polite to the officer, since it's not his fault the light was out. He asked for license, registration, proof of insurance etc. NEVER EVER EVER let a drunk-ass passenger dig for those items in the glove box. O....M.....G.

Eventually I gave him my license and grabbed the stuff from Mark to find the registration. However, we couldn't produce a current copy of proof of insurance, despite Mark's best efforts to give the officer every last shred of proof, all of which expired at its most recent in 2009.

The reason? We're in the process of changing insurance companies and had planned to move everything by March 10th. Unfortunately we haven't quite "gotten er dun" so while we are still insured, the actual proof of that is not anywhere we can find at the moment.

Officer Giggles came back and informed me that he would need to do a field sobriety test on me, "to make sure I was OK to drive". Was I wrong in assuming that me telling him that A)I had nothing to drink and B)I gave it up for lent anyway and C) was the designated driver for my husband that D) he wouldn't need to pull me out of the vehicle at the intersection of Highway 95 and First Avenue for all the freaking world to see and perform a field sobriety test on me?

To say that I was happy to prove my sobriety is an oxymoron, kind of like saying Nancy Pelosi is a good Catholic. But I did it anyway and I have never been more humiliated in all my life. The officer even called for BACK UP! There were two, count 'em TWO law enforcement vehicles stacked up behind me.

I would seriously rather spend another three years in Junior High again than undergo a completely unnecessary field freaking sobriety test on a busy intersection in a small town where everyone knows I drive a gold Kia Sedona mini van (don't buy one peeps, if you don't want your headlights to go out on you).

I got back into the van after receiving my ticket, yes I got a ticket for failure to produce proof of insurance, and I think I said something to Mark like "I'm going to kill you" but I think there was an f-word in there somewhere, but tough to say when you're that mad.

All Mark could say was "how do I make this up to you?" and that's where ya'll come in. Please vote in my poll to help him decide what he can do to make it better for me. I know he will appreciate your input.

Tweet deck and other time suckers

Wow, so I thought maybe I'd better join the social media revolution and sign up for tweetdeck. Congratulations, Amy, you've just signed up for the greatest time sucker of all! Not only can I tweet about nothing to hundreds of people I've never met, but now I get INSTANT UPDATES from hundreds of people I've never met. What a gift.

I must admit I am a bit of a social media junkie these days. For example, almost a year ago I joined the FaceBook revolution. Now I have been connecting with dozes of people from junior high and high school, many of whom I have not spoken to since June of 1991. But, it is pretty cool. And I find myself jumping on during the day to see what people are "up to" when I need a brain break.

And I have discovered that MANY people do the same thing, at regular intervals, so now I know when someone has taken a dump, washed their dishes or eaten a muffin. How ever did I get by without this knowledge?

And I am just as guilty, my most recent FB post: "Ever notice how close the U and I are together when typing the word shut?" Really? We should retitle status updates to say "Deep thoughts by Jack Handey".

And another great function of the FB world is that you can change the language settings. I recently discovered the pirate setting. Aaaaargh, me mateys were squawking all the time! I grew tired of translating it so I went back to plain English. Guess that's why I decided to try tweetdeck. Something else to entertain me.

I also discovered that I can "tweet" (aka say nothing of substance in 140 characeters or less) via my cell phone. And I can also update my FB status with the phone, hence the "I've eaten a bran muffin, look out toilet when I finish with the dishes" kind of updates.

But, if you have oodles of free time and need something that completely consumes your brain, check out twitter, tweet deck and other fun ways to tell the world absolutely nothing. Kind of like a blog.....only really short. Hmmm.....maybe I need a hobby.

Sanity, sanity, wherefore art though sanity?

The last couple months have been beyond crazy. Let me say first that I am grateful for all my blessings, which are many: a home, wonderful kidlets, a really cool hubs, a great job, our health, and you know blah blah blah.

So why in the name of all that is good and holy am I suffering from anxiety attacks all over again? It has been a RARE occasion that I have experienced them over the past year, but lately I am just in a constant state of anxiety.

Do you know what it feels like to live with the sensation that a sumo wrestler is standing on your chest at all times? Do you know how freaking embarassing it is to have to drive while inhaling/exhaling into a paper bag so you don't go apeshit?

Can you fathom the frustration people like me feel when they realize that it takes less than 60 seconds to be completely and utterly worked into a frenzy, and yet it takes 4 days, 3 xanax, 2 bottles of wine and a full day of sleep to get rid of it?

Do you know that you can give yourself MORE anxiety by being anxious about having an anxiety attack? Have you ever heard of an adult woman chasing her tail? Welcome to my world!

I am, as I type this, feeling an even heightened sense of anxiousness, solely because I'm talking about it. OMG!

I hope that after the holidays, the new office move, the Tiger Woods debacle and the H1N1 scare are over that I'll start to feel better. Meantime, I'm off to find a quiet place to curl up in a ball and rock myself to sleep.

Dude. Seriously?

I have been swapmed lately with work and kids and life, you know how it goes. Not that I haven't had anything to say, but nothing that has really pissed me off to drop what I am working on (that pays my bills) to take a moment to vent. Here's my moment.

I've never been a HUGE Tiger Woods fan, but always kind of thought he was a neat guy, giving back to kids, being a golfer/philanthropist/family man. Guess we can add philanderer to his list of accomplishments.

And how embarassing, not for the world of golf, not for Tiger, but for his beautiful wife and their two kids. And ya know what Tig? Get over the media getting "all in your bizness" about your "transgressions". You're one lucky SOB that no one found out sooner.

And the fact that people find it so interesting and can't resist wanting to know more, is that quite frankly people are kind of shocked that you would abuse your position in such a way. And you're so "private" about your private life. Here's a tip, Tig: If ya want to keep your private life private, keep it in your pants, bud.

And if you can't keep it in your pants, then don't go sleeping with multiple, extremely slutty and opportunistic chicks from Las Vegas. And do your wife and children a favor, and allow them to move on.

Honestly, I can completely understand why the back of his car was smashed with a golf club. He's lucky he didn't get it in the head. And I also understand her being visibly upset, the last thing I would want is the whole freaking world finding out what a cheating bastard I married, calling my judgement into question.

Nuff said.

God Bless single parents

To all you single parents out there: you have my support and sympathy. Lately Mark has been working very long hours and I have been on kid duty by myself.

They totally know when they outnumber me, and they divide and conquer. And purposefully ignore everything I ask them to do because I can only chase one of them around the house at a time.

For example, last night was "tubby night". We really should bathe them nightly, as they are very stinky and unhygenic, but I don't have the mental strength to survive this nightly ritual alone.

I figured it would be easier & quicker to tub them together, which I haven't done since Kaylee pointed out that Brady has a mushroom atop his privates. Man oh man was I wrong. I made them swear that they wouldn't yell or splash. They promised. Not so much.

My first challenge was chasing one or the other to get them to take their clothes off. As previously mentioned, they know there's only one of me, but two of them. So that was a needless 10 minute ordeal to get them naked.

Then once in the tub, they proceeded to splash, scream, yell, fight, etc all the while knowing that I could only beat one of them at a time. And that was fine with them. Getting them out was interesting too. It was a conundrum, really. They waited until all the water drained, then sat there complaining about how cold they were, yet they wouldn't let me dry them off.

I explained that they couldn't just sit there with their towels, that they actually had to use them to remove the water, but it was like talking to a fence post. Another 10 minutes of my life I won't ever get back.

This morning I also had to get them ready on my own, for the most part, since Mark had a 7:15 am meeting. Let's just say that things didn't go much better this morning than they did last night.

Single parents have my support and sympathy. While this is an occasional experience for me, it's a daily struggle for them. That's why god invented coffee for the morning and booze for after you get the kids in bed. Amen.