Top 10 things I want to tell the high school students I work with but I can’t or I might be fired:

1. Please resist the urge to suck the uvula out of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mouth. You are only going to be separated for about 90 minutes, tops, and the sounds you make are extremely unappealing.

2. Blue hair is for puppets, not people.

3. If you think you’re being an individual by piercing things, look around. EVERYONE expresses their individuality by piercing things. Maybe try NOT piercing things, and then you’ll be unique.

4. No one wants to see your boxers/briefs so pull your damn pants up. That is why they call it UNDERWEAR. You wear it UNDER your clothes. Only superheroes are allowed to wear their briefs over their clothes. You are NOT a superhero.

5. That tattoo you have and/or want to get will turn to a giant blob of unrecognizable ink someday. Resist the temptation.

6. Lunch is NOT a subject in school. You cannot say your favorite subject is lunch. You don’t get graded on how quickly you can pound down an 800-calorie burrito and a soda.

7. Bikini strap tank tops are not an acceptable form of clothing for school, they are meant to be worn UNDER something, not as a separate clothing item. If you wear one, you are sending the message that you are a sexual animal and an easy target for horny high school boys desperate to get laid. If you don’t want them staring at your boobs, cover them up. If you do, well cover them up during school hours for the love of GOD. Boys don’t need more distractions at school.

8. School is for learning and preparing for your future. Put your phone away and wait until lunch to text your friends. Once again, I repeat, lunch is NOT a subject so that is a better time than during Algebra, something you need to pass in order to graduate.

9. Adults can absolutely read body language. If you think you are being sly with your friends by rolling your eyes, I assure you we CAN see you and we don’t really care that you roll your eyes. We have a job to do, so get over it.

10. “Hey sexy” is not an acceptable greeting for every one of the opposite sex whose uvula you’d like to suck out. They aren’t all sexy and lying isn’t nice.