Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Activia Challenge

Day 1:  Wow, tasty yogurt!
Day 2:  Tasty yogurt.  I'm kind of gassy though.  Can't be the Activia, though!
Day 3:  Wow, yogurt.  I am really gassy.  My husband won't even get within five feet of me.  What could I have eaten?
Day 4:  Yogurt.  SOOO gassy.  When am I gonna poop?
Day 5:  Damn yogurt.  Bloated from the gas.  How much longer before the damn bursts?
Day 6:  Goddamn yogurt.  At least the damn burst tongiht, but I might have to call the plumber.  And my husband STILL won't come near me.
Day 7:  Freaking yogurt.  Still bloated.  Still gassy.  STILL POOPING.  On my to-do list:  buy toilet paper, a plunger and some air fragrance.
Day 8:  On the plus side:  At least now I have a morning crapper.  Minus:  So damn gassy at night.  Husband thinking of sleeping outside to get away from the stench.
Day 9:  When they say "regulate" your digestive system does it really mean farting for 4 hours at night, followed by extreme crapping, jet propulsion edition?  NOTE TO SELF:  Buy stock in Charmin.
Day 10:  Still eating that vile gas producing husband repelling colon cleanse in a container.  Fucking yogurt.  Sorry, gotta go, time to make a deposit in the excrement bank. 
Day 11:  No more of that shit.  Still gassy.
Day 12:  Took a big crapper this morning.  How long will it take to cycle out of my system for god's sake?
Day 13:  Still farting, no husband within 100 feet and now I'm constipated as hell.
Day 14:  Activia, you win.  Regular in 14 days.  As in regularly gassy, bitchy and smelly.  Hey, who needs yogurt for that?

2 comments:

Mio said...

I am, from now on, your loyal follower. I had no idea a bad stomach could be this fun... for the ones just reading about it! ;-)

Sunlover Mom said...

Geez, same thing happens to me when I eat ANY yogurt...you might consider a lactose intolerance and stay off the crap or make Mark eat it just to level the playing field.