Saturday, March 12, 2011

I was wrong to accuse you...

Dear Activia,

I was wrong to falsely accuse you of making me a giant, bloated gas machine.  It made sense at the time, I has just purchased Activia yogurt (only because it was cheaper since I had a COUPON, Mom would be so proud!) and suddenly I noticed that I was just farty & hellaciously fragrant and I blamed it on you.

Once my complete 24 pack of Activia was gone (you just CAN'T let that yogurt go to waste you know!) I moved on to Chobani.  It wasn't cheaper but I figured it wouldn't make me gassier than a full helium tank so I continued with my assumption that it was you all along Activia.  Shame.

Oddly enough I continued to find myself repelling my husband and cutting a hole in the ozone layer with my stench.  I was left with one conclusion: I MUST be lactose intolerant.  So not only have I thrown Activia under the bus, but really dairy products as a whole.  And let me tell you, trying to walk through Costco and avoiding samples covered with cheese is nearly impossible.  That leaves me with dry crackers or muscle milk.

Ah, sweet relief.  As much as I missed cheese and yogurt, I didn't miss feeling like a tight rope around my colon, squeezing the air trapped in its most dark and dangerous crevasses.  We thought there was a slight chance that indeed, my fart syndrome was caused by edamame, which was quickly put to rest.  With regret in my heart I said goodbye to dairy and hello to a bunch of other crap that I didn't really like.

Four long and excruciatingly difficult days went by.  I tried all kinds of things to replace my lunch and snacks with non-dairy options, including eating Kashi Go Lean Crunch, dry, no milk, no yogurt mixed in, as I had been eating it for weeks.

The kids also decided, along with Mark, that Kashi Go Lean was tasty no matter how its eaten: milk, no milk, yogurt, no yogurt, and we all started consuming it with reckless abandon.  The first evening as we sat down to dinner we all felt a bit uncomfortable, slightly bloated and in general just a little gassy.  Then, without warning, we had a virtual SYMPHONY of farts.

Let me tell you there's nothing like the sweet sound of children and parents, tooting in concert, bouncing off the hard wood chairs, making it echo in the vault of our ceiling.  A concert.  Of farts.  At dinner.  Ya gotta love it.

So once again I want to extend my sincerest apologies to Activia and all dairy products.  And give you fair warning about Kashi Go Lean Crunch.  The stuff is so tasty and so full of fiber that you'll have the cleanest colon on the block, but you will be living alone.


Krystal said...

I Love Kashi GoLean Crunch too! Haven't had that strong of a reaction, but my nemesis is FiberOne Bars! Extremely tasty (almost like a candy bar), but I get that horrible crampy, bloaty feeling and the inevitable aftermath--the clearing of the rooms, or me running to the restroom doing the "Oh-God-no!-please-let-me-make-it-without-sharting-myself" dance! But they do the trick if you need a little help in the regularity department. LMOA!

Mio said...

*lol* I haven't got the slightest idea what Kashi GoLean Crunch is - and obviously I ought to be thankful, since I don't have to miss it... and I am glad for you that cheese and ice cream and other dairy stuff can find it back into your menues!

Anonymous said...

Uh, no surprise here about that yogurt/dairy intolerance thing. I can usually get along with milk (maybe I should ask Mike if that is really true) but no more yogurt for me either.

There is a new cereal out, advertised on TV with 46 grams of fibre in a bowl. I would be positively airborn if I ate it. BEWARE!

Anonymous said...

It reminds me of the old original Saturday Night Live "commercial" about a cereal called Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow. "How many bowls of your cereal equals the fiber in Super Colon Blow? Two bowls? Four bowls? 6 bowls? Not even close. It would take 100 bowls of your cereal to equal the fiber in one bowl of Super Colon Blow!"