My Christmas Wish List

I don't think I'm asking for a lot this year, really I don't.  I want just a few of the finer things in life.  Here's my list, in no particular order:

1.  Toilets that clean themselves.  Daily.  You'd think that a busy family who is never home would not have horrifyingly smelly shitters, and you would be so very wrong.

2.  My children to have ONE WEEK where they a) behave well in school, b) turn in all their schoolwork ON TIME, and c) remember their f-ing homework needs to be turned in every. damn. day.  Just one week.  Just one.

3.  A little elf that can make my fake tree look real.  That would mean he would need to go over every branch of our excessively large 10 foot tree and "fluff" all the branches out.  I gave up after about and hour so our tree has that whole "Charlie Brown Christmas" vibe, but I turned it so the front at least looks presentable.

4.  Children that will say "yes mom" when asked to put their clean clothes away and actually PUT their clothes away, rather than saying yes but stashing them in all the nooks and crannies in their rooms so by Wednesday they can't find any of their uniform pants for school because they didn't put them WHERE THEY BELONG IN THE G-DAMN CLOSET.  On. A. Hanger.

5.  A little dish fairy that will magically move the clean dishes into the cupboard, and the dirty ones into the dishwasher so we don't end up piling dishes in the sink until we've used all the ones still in the dishwasher.  It's a vicious cycle folks.  Vicious.

6.  One Saturday morning, just one, where the kids aren't waking up at the ass crack of dawn.  One Saturday, where they actually sleep in until after 7, so we don't find them playing the computer, watching television or "making crafts" that usually results in about an hours worth of work to clean up scraps of paper and glitter glue from places you don't want to talk about.

7.  I would love my kids to stop bickering about nothing.  And everything.  And a lot of shit in between.  I feel like I have two little lawyers in my house, each one arguing their point, even though they don't even really have a good point to argue.  Oh, and I would love it if they didn't ALSO argue with me.

8.  I want my motivation to get up at 5am to go to the gym to return.  It's gone.  Gone like a freight train.  Gone like yesterday.  Gone.  So instead I'm stuck going in the evening and having creepy totally UN-HOT men watch me push the sled around the gym.  Shiver. 

9.  Holiday music like we used to hear when we were kids.  This new shit makes me crazy.  If you're going to sing an old hit, don't sing it like you're an up and coming R&B star and drag every note out by changing the music key five times and just being obnoxious.  YAY for you that you can sing, so just fucking sing, this ain't American Idol.

I think that's about it for the time being, I am sure there are other things I can think of, but these are simply top of mind at the moment.  What about ya'll?  What is on YOUR wish list?