Thursday, December 27, 2012

Maniopausal

Maniopausal, that's what I am, that nifty little combo between maniacal and menopausal.  My family is soooooooo lucky.

It's really almost funny, well, it IS funny (I have to admit).  Many of the symptoms are really not too bothersome, the only one I will complain about are the totally irrational thoughts.

Think of your VERY worst PMS, where you were slightly paranoid, very emotionally unpredictable and completely sleep-deprived.  Now, times that by TEN.  That's me these days.

And the guilt, oh the guilt over things that normally wouldn't bother me, but my mind flips through my memories like an old roll-a-dex and then pulls one out from the very bottom of the pile, and I feel bad all over again about something I can do absolutely nothing about.  Good times...

Best part, this usually happens middle-of-the-night waking up in a pile of sweat after a colossal hot flash.  So then I'm cold, guilt-ridden and unable to go back to sleep without the aid of narcotics.  Which I refuse REFUSE to take any longer.  Time to start drinking again I suspect.

And I desperately wish for the superhero ability to command hot flashes when I need them, like in the freezer section at Safeway, Fred Meyer or basically ANYWHERE in the Walmart Neighborhood Market (that place is a fricken ice box).

All in all though I feel pretty good, and even started making a list of things in my mind about why it is totally awesome that I don't have any remnants of a reproductive system left.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1.  No more shopping for feminine products.  At least until Kaylee needs them, and GOD WILLING I have at least 4 or 5 more years until then....  And I am sure, as it did the last five years, tampon technology will have reached new heights, ensuring an embarrassing 20 minutes in the lady goods aisle.

2.  No more uterus.  Nuff said.  That thing, aside from giving me two beautiful children, has caused me NOTHING but TROUBLE.

3.  The Cliff Notes version of menopause.  Unlike many of my friends, not only did I have a primer course for about 5 months on Tamoxifen, but now I get the speed round since it has been surgically induced.  Can you imagine years of hot flashes, mood swings, and other very unmentionable side affects?  Me either, and thanks to modern medicine I don't have to.

4.  I will never ever have had to plan my race calendar around my monthly "bill".  EVER.  Thanks to the IUD, the mastectomy and now this, no period will interfere with my athletic pursuits.  Nothing says fun like menstrual cramps for 2 hours during your sprint-tri, eh?

5.  No more monthly bloating and irrational behavior, followed by an unstoppable craving for salt & chocolate.  Done, check that box.  Granted the next few months will be a little on the rough side (I think my husband and kids are pricing apartments for me for a 6 month term) but we'll all get through it in one piece.  Except for some things that I might break in a fit of menopausal rage.  It could happen.

6.  A killer excuse for going ape shit on stupid people.  I can give dumb ass annoying people a complete verbal bitch slap and then say I'm sorry, I'm in early menopause.  Don't take it personally.  K?  And they'll be like "OMG her poor husband and children".  You thought Tami was tough, wait until you see what Maude can cook up.

7.  I can coach all my friends through menopause in 10-20 years.  I'll know what books to recommend, foods to eat, homeopathic remedies to try (gotta gut this out without hormones thank you HRBC) and apartments to rent. Nothing I love more in life than being helpful to others.

8.  Hubby time will no longer need to be planned around a 28 day cycle.  No more stocking up the week before 'cause I know what's coming.  Nope, it's on.  Anytime, anyplace.  Well, in six weeks, oh, and within reason.

9.  New underwear.  My Mother In Law suggested I buy all new stuff and then burn the old stuff.  I. LOVE. THE. IDEA.  Though there won't be any sort of public burning and neighbors and friends I promise not to do it in the fire pit where we toast marshmallows in the summer.  Cross my heart.

10.  All kinds of NEW and FUN material for my book (that is not yet written, concepted or titled) and this blog.

My poor children and husband.  They are simply the best.  I hope they can forgive me for all my hot flash, hormone withdrawal, crazy ass making no sense because she's maniopausal behavior.  I hope they know how much I love them, and that Maude will only be here with us for a short period of time.  We hope.  Pray for them, would you?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should not marry American women

http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

I encourage ALL American men to NEVER MARRY American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

Tens of millions of American men have had their lives completely destroyed by American women through the following crimes:

1. False rape accusations (it has been proven that up to 80 percent of rape accusations are FALSE)

2. False domestic violence (DV) charges (same as above, and up to 40 percent of domestic violence victims are MALE, with their female partners INITIATING the violence)

3. False sexual harassment charges

4. Financial destruction of men in divorce courts through alimony and support payments (women get up to 95 percent of their ex-husband's income and savings, as well as the house, car, etc)

5. Emotional destruction of men by ex-wives who have stolen their children from them and forbidden the fathers from having custody or contact with their own children

6. Divorced dads who commit suicide as a result

A few more reasons to stay away from American women?

-25 percent of American women take psychiatric drugs for mental illnesses.
-25 percent of women under the age of 30 have at least one STD.
-85 percent of divorces in America are INITIATED by women, thus women are responsible for the vast majority of divorces.
-70 percent of criminals in America were raised by single mothers, thus feminism is responsible for most crime in America.
-The majority of child molestation, child abuse, and child murder in America is done by WOMEN.
-American women are NINE TIMES more likely to murder their own children than the biological father

Another thing I noticed, is that whenever you bring up the topic of American men marrying asian women in front of an American woman, she will make some racist and hateful comment about asian women, calling them "slaves" or "mail order brides". My question is this: If American women are so "independent", "confident", "strong", and "empowered" like they claim to be, why do they feel threatened by Asian women? Why are American women so jealous towards Asian women? The real reason is this- Asian women are 1000 times superior to American women, and any American man who has dated/married an Asian woman will tell you this.

If you want to get married, find a nice foreign girl from Asia, or South America, or Russia/Eastern Europe. DO NOT MARRY AN AMERICAN WOMAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

Over 50 percent of American women are single, without a boyfriend or husband; so the fact is most American men no longer want to marry American women. Let these worthless American women grow old living alone with their 10 cats.

American women are living in their own pathetic little fantasy world, where they think they are a perfect little princess. Sorry, but you are NOT a perfect little princess.

Give American women the husband they deserve- NONE!

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

Amy Little said...

Yeah dude! AMEN! Couldn't have said it better myself. I wouldn't marry an American Woman either. Or a woman at all, for that matter. I mean who wants to be falsely accused of rape and domestic violence, all their money spent on hair removal and tanning sessions nevermind those pesky STDs. Feel free to post the link to your website/business: www.buyhotforeignchickstomarrysotheydonotspeakenglishandyoucanmentallyabusethemandfeeloverlyselfimportant.com I really don't mind a bit...Or perhaps you can try therapy?

JennieBradstreet said...

Go Amy GO!! Seriously this dude shouldnt be F-ing around with a menopausal woman, just out of surgery- What the hell was he thinking?

Amy Little said...

Thanks Jennie! This is WAR man. WAR. Well, not really. I am still not mad, I just can't believe there's still a total tool like that out there posting such rubbish.