Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Hot Stuff, Baby

Oh my goodness, I am just giggling over this one.  Both of my children (whom I completely adore, even if Maude makes you think I want to sell them) have decided that perhaps they also suffer from one of menopausal's most annoying symptoms: HOT FLASHES.

Case in point, I went in to check on my baby boy (I know he's 6 but he's still the baby, which I know, I know, will entitle him to a lot of therapy someday) and he'd shed his pajama top & socks.  I covered him all back up and tucked his blankie back around his little frigid shoulders and he woke up to tell me he "had a hot flash" and needed to strip down.

My lovely daughter (who is growing sooooo fast) also had a moment the other day where she refused to layer up.  She was in her basketball uniform (short sleeves) and shorts and I kept after her until she replied, with that ever-annoying foot-stomp-eye-roll-saying-it-with-a-heavy-sigh "I'm having a hot flash MOM!" (emphasize the Mom, like it's the LOUDEST WORD IN THE SENTENCE, SAID WITH COMPLETE DISGUST AND ANNOYANCE OVER MY IGNORANCE).  Can't argue with that.

It makes me giggle, and I am reluctant to tell them anything different, I find it CUTE that they want to be like me, hot flashes or not.  As I've been enjoying them (hot flashes) ever more frequently (in my mind I'm hoping PRAYING that this is the Cliff Notes version, and I'm that I'm getting to the climax of the story and for-the-love-of-God they will begin to taper off soon) I thought I might make a list of what they are like, for those of you who may never get the joy, and those of you who still have another ten years to wait:

1.  A Hot Flash is when you are driving to work with the windows rolled down (yes, all four) it's 37 degrees outside and raining, the AC is on and you've stripped off all but one layer (to be appropriate) and you don't give a flying freakshow because you're still hotter than hot.

2.  A Hot Flash is when you're typing on your computer (work or home, same diff) and you lift your wrists to find puddles of sweat under them.

3.  A Hot Flash is needing to keep a stick of deodorant in the car, your husband's car, your desk drawer, your kids' backpack and your purse because you never know when you're going to break through that prescription strength anti-persperant/deodorant barrier.  (yes, it can be done.  jussayin')

4.  A Hot Flash is waking up in the middle of the night because you "feel" like the universe is somehow out of balance, then 30 seconds later you're covered in a layer of sweat despite the fact that you've knowingly stripped down to your chonies and a tank top.  You open the bedroom window and realize your husband is shivering uncontrollably in his sleep and you can't find a cool spot on the bed.  Thirty seconds later you freeze, put all your clothes back on, close the window and snuggle up with the covers over your head, only to repeat in another 2 hours.

5.  A Hot Flash is helping a student in your job, trying to explain the ins and outs of the FASA form, why it's important and where to go for additional help, meanwhile you're fanning yourself with the FAFSA practice form as your student keeps reaching for it, you're totally red in the face and you realize that the student may misinterpret your flushed face and reluctance to hand over the papers for something completely different.  You imagine a call from HR soon.

6.  A Hot Flash is like walking out of an air-conditioned building in Phoenix in August when it's 120 degrees, and not immediately being able to go back inside.  You sweat in places you didn't know you could.  Then suddenly you feel like you've walked into a freezer.  Boom.

I've got a few more, I think, but I'll save them up for later.  I'd be curious what other hot flash descriptions are out there.  Feel free to post a comment, just know that I've still got my "filter" on and I have to "approve" of your comments before they are posted.  So much for instant gratification.  But I guess that's what cleaning's for.

Signing off,

Maude


1 comment:

Eileen said...

Someone (who has yet to experience a hot flash) suggested to me to think of mine as a chinook (a warm wind). Thanks but no thanks!

My cats are become accustomed to the sudden removal of the bed covers, and barely flinch anymore, except when I manage to toss one or more off the bed.

I'm nearly three years into these damned things and I think they are beginning to taper off. If I have to grow a mustache so they'll go away...I'm okay with that!

Good luck!