Monday, December 16, 2013

Maude VS The Colonscopy Part 1

I assure you, this isn't my first rodeo.  Nope, my butt's been scoped before.  It's been about 9 years so I'm overdue for a good cleansing and subsequent ass violation.  And that whole cancer thing I guess. 

They said I needed to have this done.  I'm expecting them to find nothing but a lovely soft pink tissued shit hole tomorrow, but in the meantime I'm super grumpy.

Thankfully I realized that being at the office today would not be in my best interest (or anyone else for that matter) since I'm on a clear-liquids-only diet (crossing my fingers that wine counts as a clear liquid because I'm desperate to make the pain go away).

Yesterday, really part 1 of the process, was picking up the "Golightly" powder solution that gets mixed with water in a gallon jug.  And, as mentioned, I've been down this muddy road before, "Go Lightly" isn't the most aptly named product if I'm being honest.  At the pharmacy counter (which was THANKFULLY empty save for me and my horrified 9 year old daughter) they at least giggled when I pointed that out.

I ass-cracked several other inappropriate jokes as well, because what the hell, why not?  No big secret what I'm going to be doing.  She asked if I'd ever done this before to which I replied yes, and I'm well prepared with a new tube of A&D Ointment and a stack of magazines to read. 

The only thing I think I'll WISH I had was a padded toilet seat because I'll be sharting out a weekend's worth of debauchery for several hours and I remember it not being advisable to leave the immediate area.  I'll also be longing for a pair of "Oops I Crapped My Pants" to wear if I'm not careful.  Thinking a pack of these should be a buy one get one when you pick up the Golightly.

Starting today at 4PM I'll be channeling my inner college drinking self and guzzling 8 OZ of floor stripper every 10 minutes until half of the gallon is gone.  Maybe I should watch a rerun of Discovery's Gold Rush and take an 8OZ shot every time Jack Hoffman says "Glory Hole", cuz that's like really super appropriate.

Then I get to do the other half tomorrow morning which is so not totally awesome.  But thankfully the kids will be at school.  I'm hitting the store in a little bit to get some flavoring for the solution (they said I could) and probably more reading material.  Two tours of "doodie" on the crapper will mean I'll burn through every issue of Runner's World I haven't yet had time to read.

And I'll probably pen part 2 when I'm all done tomorrow, prior to the actual ass violation in the afternoon and I'm going to have to rely on Mark to recap every odd, ridiculous and inappropriate thing I say while under anesthesia.  I'm sure there will be even more juicy nuggets to report.  So if you don't like reading about poop, you probably want to skip the next few posts.

No comments: