Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Maude VS the Prep

Most of yesterday was spent with the feeling that my stomach was trying to digest itself.  I stayed home from work, and it was a good choice given my fragile state of mind (and I was starting to hallucinate the smell of bacon) and my ever so slighlty edgy mood.  But, as it turns out, I did need a distraction so I thought maybe running a couple errands would be all right.

Here's kind of how the day went:

11:30AM - decided to get off the computer and have some broth.  Maybe that would help me feel a little less so-hungry-I-could-eat-a-whole-extra-large-pizza feeling I had going on.  Heated it up and it looked like pee.  Drank it anyway, and it tasted amaze-balls.

12:00PM - changed into my workout gear, thought maybe it would be OK to just go lift some weights, no cardio or anything like that.  Got dizzy after putting my shoes on, decided it wasn't my best idea.

12:15PM - Put on sweats, easier to remove when the unstoppable lava-like butt barfing begins.

12:30PM - Gathered up a few things to mail, made a short list of things I needed at the store (what the f@!k was I thinking going to a place with FOOD) and headed out the door.

12:45 - Arrived at Fred Meyer with list in hand.  Found myself staring at all the fried chicken and frog eye salad at the deli counter while a small stream of drool fell from the corner of my mouth.  I tore myself away and ran through the store as quickly as possible. Unfortunately my trip to the store wasn't nearly as painful as my trip to the Pizza Parlor.

1:00PM - Walked into Papa's Pizza to pick up the donation check from fundraiser we recently did.  The smell of their pizza buffet nearly brought me to my knees.  I had to wait just inches away from the most glorious display of heat lamp warmed coagulated left over pizza slices that never looked so good to me in my life.  All I wanted to do was escape from this hell but it turns out I had to run back outside to grab my drivers license.  Who knew they wanted picture ID to verify I am who I say I am before handing over a very large check. 

1:15PM - Ran to the bank, figured it would be a quick and painless adventure, no food there right?  Coincidentally they share a wall with Panda Express and once again the overwhelming urge to say f%&k it and eat everything it sight nearly overtook my better judgement.  I stayed the course and headed to the UPS store for an hour of my life I'll never get back.  And I ended up not mailing all my packages because it was twice as much as going to the post office.

I had enough time to get gas, run home to refill my water and guzzle some more chicken broth before picking up my children who had been warned in the morning to be nice to me at the end of the day because I would be hungry and grumpy.  Their only response was "Hope you don't take something fun away from us because you're mad" to which I, mother of the year, replied "well you've been warned so you'd better be nice or I will."

At 4PM sharp the prep officially began, and I opted to burn up my twitter account just for the hell of it.  Here's the rundown:

Chicken broth never tasted so f-ing good.

Let's do this:

This is my cup of choice. Channeling my inner competitor to get this done in 10 minute intervals instead of 15.

I really would rather be drinking beer right now.
Made this for the fam for dinner. Smells amaze balls. 

Then I sent the following text to my husband shortly after the most amazing pizza ever made was fresh out of the oven:  Hope you are on your way soon.  The floodgates have opened.
My home for the evening. I cleaned it just so I can defile it all night long. #thankscolonoscopy #lastpostipromise (of course it was NOT my last post)
Bought a people magazine today hoping for celebrity gossip. Turns out I grabbed the holiday issue full of recipes & pics


Some time after I completed phase one of the prep I passed out on the bed.  One or both of my children came in to see me, though I don't remember for sure.  I destroyed the plumbing, annihilated our TP supply and went through a half a tube of A&D ointment.  And in hindsight (poor choice of words I know) I should have put the A&D on well before the assplosions began.

So I'm four glasses (of 8) in on my morning prep and I can feel the rumblings the likes of which remind me of this:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7l6jg4Hlog   TIMES A DOZEN, or more, I lost count around the time I passed out.

So I'm off to lube up and burn through the rest of my reading material.  Until tomorrow friends.

1 comment:

RETA said...

You poor thing! Well, soon all this will be "behind" you. You will get through this! I wish you well.

RETA@ http://evenhaazer.blogspot.com