Maude VS TWO Epic Failures in 365 days

Well, friends, I guess it's a good thing I'm not ready to date. Now I'm divorced AND unemployed.

I mean, that's a seriously sweet bio for any dating profile: Divorced single mother of two teenagers who is totally unemployed.  WHAT A CATCH! 

It's the trifecta that all secure, employed emotionally mature single men in their 50's are looking for: emotionally unstable female with absolutely no income and at least one kid entering college soon.  

The past 365 days have been a wild ride for me. I left my very stable job of five years in January 2021 to work for an organization where I believed I had room to grow and advance that would provide the financial security my family needed.  And the stability I knew I would need. It was my "last job" where I had hoped to retire from.

At the time I took that job I was still married but was the only source of income as my then-husband was trying to make a go of a small business he started in 2018. 

The new job was a perfect match for my experience, knowledge, skills, and abilities and I would have just a little bit of breathing room every month so I didn't have to worry about having to start stripping or selling drugs to make ends meet. #lifegoals #nojudgementonstrippers #sexworkiswork

Just a few months into my new role it was decided that my kid's Dad and I, on our 20th wedding anniversary no less, would be amicably separating and committing to co-parenting our children moving forward. This was no surprise, we had been talking about it for almost a year at that point and I knew it was not if but when it would happen.

Has that always been an easy process? No, but I think all in all we've done a pretty damn good job navigating it all and being there for the kids. 

So, friends, that was failure #1 for 2021 - my marriage crumbled and fell apart. The divorce, to me, is the biggest most epic failure I have ever experienced in my life. I disappointed myself, my children, my faith, and my family.

It is so embarrassing to be divorced. I will be 50 this year. 50 YEARS OLD! I've got 2/3 of my life under my belt. A big part of me is dreading the back 1/3 of my life. 

I am certain that I'll be alone for the rest of it (see above reference to why there is NO ONE ON EARTH that would want to be with this shit show) and the other part of me is oddly optimistic about what is to come.

I do have a pretty good bucket list of items for a middle-aged divorcee like myself. Travel to Europe (ALONE!), start rock climbing again, run the New York Marathon (I said bucket list, I did NOT say achievable), downhill ski again, take weekend trips alone, whitewater raft, downsize my home and live in a little bungalow in the north end of town, and learn how to golf. It's funny because golf was one of the few things my former husband enjoyed and I did not. 

It wasn't until I got really drunk at a staff retreat last spring and spent a day on a course with a really amazing and fun group of people that I truly understood the appeal. Since then I've been to Top Golf (won a $250 REI gift card, don't mean to brag...) and CRUSHED it (to be fair I think Top Golf is designed so everyone feels like they can golf!) and I hit a bucket of balls with my Ma on a nice warm sunny day in November. 

If it wasn't January and butt-cold right now, I'd go grab my former husband's clubs and hit the shit out of a bucket of balls right now. I think it would make me feel better...

My second and most egregious failure has been losing my job. And I truly lost it, but I'm still not sure how. I was hired for one position that, in organizational restructuring, was eliminated.  I was put into a new role that was, at my advanced age, difficult to train (my learning preferences were no match for the training program) and not at all a match for my knowledge, skills, and abilities.

Having experienced the crash and burn of a 22-year relationship I struggled with my emotions and since work was the one place I spent most of my time and I can't burden my children with them (or friends, who don't want to hang out with an emotionally fragile sad sack of a human) unfortunately despite my greatest efforts to shove them down so far they couldn't get out, they found an escape route.

And I know better than to hold things in, that is not my way but in this case, I tried hard to keep everything inside and when you pile pressure on top of pressure something has to give. You can infer the rest.

And, let's talk about crying. I am not a crier (well apparently I am now but I wasn't before) so when I start to cry I get mad that I am crying and that makes me cry harder, then I am embarrassed for crying harder and that makes it even worse. #viciouscircle 

After a few months of fumbling and frustration and lots of emotions I could no longer hold back, I was given a couple of options, neither of which are appealing for a woman pushing 50 with no husband's income to fall back on and a kid entering college in the fall!

So here I am, unemployed. I'm terrified. I don't have much of a safety net, as we all know in divorce there's a sharing of assets. There isn't much left for me in liquidity to make ends meet. I will figure it out, on my own. Because that is who I am and what I do.

As I am always a glass half full kind of gal, I've got some time to work on my MBA - I am hard-charging to finish it by May of this year. I will be able to chalk that up as a success even if I don't finish that quickly.  

Hell, it's a self-paced competency-based program, with all my free time maybe I can finish it before I find a new job! Based on job availability out there right now, that seems like a good possibility.

It also appears the universe is giving me a gift of a little time to slow down. And I appreciate it. I'll do my best to take advantage of this time to put myself back together.

Maybe I will have time to write and blog a little more, funny stuff since that's more my style. Maybe I can finally publish my Bliss and Chaos e-book! I can see the headline: Desperate single mother publishes embarrassing stories about her children for money

I kind of like it!

Stay tuned and always remember, a little levity goes a long way. Onward, upward and I'm making my own way forward. 

Maude VS The Divorce (Part 2)

 NOTE: Be sure to read part 1 before you read part 2, I promise it is worth it

To catch up my dear readers (all three of you, you know who you are) I am now divorced. It has been almost 4 months since I penned Part 1 and a few things have changed but not much. Buckle up friends, and don't be drinking any beverages, lest you laugh so hard it comes out your nose...

I put myself out there. Yep, not once but twice. And within about 36 hours I took myself off the "being out there" because I could not handle it. OMG. I've learned two things: internet dating is NOT for me and I am not at all ready to put myself out there. Not at all.

The first time I did it was on a recommendation from someone after a few glasses of wine. Everything seems harmless when you're all warm and fuzzy from some adult beverages. So, I tried eharmony for a hot minute (with, TBH, absolutely NO intention of connecting with or going on a date with anyone) and IT. WAS. HORRIBLE! What the hell was I thinking?!

I don't think eharmony is horrible in and of itself, just the experience was not for me. First of all, you can put in your specific requirements in a potential suitor. Apparently my "requirements" are quite limiting. 

Not a lot to choose from, and also, I am cheap and since this was more of a dare than anything serious I did NOT pay the money so I could see a lot of the profile pictures.  (Yes, I am a skin deep person. Not afraid to say it.)

So once I got my profile up, it was a little weird. It was like walking into a bar full of men who haven't seen a woman in 20 years and you're THE ONLY ONE. Creepy McCreepersons!!! I mean I am sure they are all lovely but I just felt so awkward, virtually speaking.

Potential suitors can send a wave or a wink which, and while this is all via a web interface, it was weirder than being in a nightclub. I must say that I did not like it AT ALL. 

Plus, because I AM truly trying to make up for being an asshole in my 20s I felt horrible that I wasn't reciprocating the winks and waves. I have plenty of emotions in my life, guilt being one of them and I didn't need that hanging over my head for a bunch of men I never intended to meet. So I deleted my account.

Keep reading, I promise this gets funnier!

Fast forward three months. My former husband (again, hate the use of the term "ex") let me know he was starting to see someone. 

My reaction was actually nothing but supportive. His happiness has always been important to me. What I was MAD about was that he felt it important to tell the kids so soon and so early.

His reasoning was that in case someone saw them out together and it got back to the kids. As a kid whose parents IMMEDIATELY started dating other people before their divorce was even final I was worried about the trauma and asked him not to tell them. I still stand by my position, but he told them anyway. 

They are good kids and handled it just fine as far as I can tell. But I kept saying "our city isn't so small anymore, you don't need to tell them, no one we know is going to see you." Remember that statement friends, it WILL come back into play shortly.

Over the weekend after having learned of his news and after chatting with some friends (I need new friends, their recommendations seem to get me in trouble LOL!) I decided to try HINGE, the dating app. I had heard good things about it and thought, what the hell. Mark put himself out there, maybe I am ready to meet some new people, too. I am, most certainly, NOT as I've learned.

Setting up your profile is quick and easy for sure. A few pictures, answer some questions, put in your deal breakers and boom you're done. Once again, I've learned that my very specific requirements severely limit the field of men that I can "match with" which, as you'll learn in a few moments is a bit problematic.

I went to bed shortly after setting up my profile and woke in the morning to several "comments". You can actually look at the men who commented to see if you want to respond. 100% all got deleted. And I. FELT. AWFUL. 

It was like going to a bar, and a nice guy buys you a drink and you walk away to flirt with the hot dude at the pool table who won't give you the time of day. UGH. The guilt!  The horror!

I worked most of a full day that day and had a break to walk the dog, so I checked HINGE while I was out and found even more comments that made me SUPER uncomfortable, except for one which was laughing emojis on a funny picture I had posted. 

I had previously previewed the less than 10 guys that met my criteria and decided a couple of them looked nice enough. I thought if one of them reaches out I'll respond back.

One of them did (see above note about laughing emojis) and because I know NOTHING about the app, I commented on his comment which then made us a MATCH. Oh boy. 

You can only see a first name, not a last name so that was good in the sense that I still felt a little anonymous. It can also be a bad thing if you need to know the last name of the person you "match" with, which in my case would have been TREMENDOUSLY helpful.

Having never been on HINGE before and not ever having corresponded with someone like this I didn't know WHAT to expect. We chatted briefly and he let me know that he was never married and had no kids. I told him I had teenagers and if that wasn't terrifying he was probably lying.

He asked if I had a girl or boy or both and I said one of each I mentioned that the older one had a college basketball scholarship. He asked if it was to his alma mater and I said no, a small private out of state Catholic college and gave him the name. To which he replied, that is Father So and So's alma mater. 

I about shit my pants.

You would likely only know that if you're Catholic. If you are Catholic you might know my former in laws.

He then mentioned he was an alumni of the private Catholic high school both of my children currently attend. 

More shit in my pants. 

He likely knows my former husband's siblings, at least one or two of them...Crap, what do I do next?!?!

So, I let him know as much and that depending on his answer we likely could not be friends. 

His year of graduation? Same as my former husband's oldest brother. 

I asked him if he knew the brother and the reply "why yes, he's one of my dear friends." 

EVEN MORE SHITTING OF MY PANTS. SO much so that they would likely need to be changed...

You have GOT to be kidding me, I thought, my requirements are so freaking narrow the only person I can match with knows my WHOLE ENTIRE FORMER FAMILY-IN-LAW? 

And, also, what does it say that I seem to only attract alumni from the same damn high school. And I'm not even a cradle catholic. 

He offered that I could get a reference check from the brother and I offered that he ought not to ask the brother about me. More awkward chatting. At this point I don't know how to back out because he is nice and I'm inexperienced.

Thankfully, I had to end our chat and go to a basketball game and did not have further correspondence with him until the next day.

Once again, overnight, there were a few just bizarre comments and some pretty forward requests in my little HINGE inbox from other men on the app, all of which got deleted. 

Some of them did appear to be nice but they were either too short, too conservative or mentioned they weren't Journey fans, and right now Journey is providing the soundtrack for my life. That's a hard pass for me if you don't like Journey...

I got SO uncomfortable not only with the comments but the volume of them and feeling that old Catholic guilt about deleting them all. 

I realized, I am so not ready to "put myself out there" nor am I even ready to probably go on a date with an actual human male, hell I cannot even sustain a chat for more than 12 hours on a dating app without running away screaming!

Because where we live does turn out to be a small town (remember me telling my former husband that it's not a small town? Karma is laughing her ass of at me I tell you) I thought I better tell this would-be suiter that this isn't an experience for me but that I wouldn't mind keeping in touch so I sent him a message with my number. 

Then I deleted the app. Which meant that my message was ALSO immediately deleted. Therefore I totally ghosted someone that knows my whole husband's family and the guilt and embarrassment was too much to take. 

Sooooo what does a girl do? She consults a serial dater in her office to ask what HE would do, and then does the opposite of his recommendation! He said, don't follow up, he will find you. I, however, did not WANT him to find me because I do not want to date anyone right now.

In December I deactivated my Facebook account and I deleted my Instagram access (not the account) so I could not find him on social media to apologize for disappearing. The reason is I started my MBA and thought I'd eliminate distractions which now seems ironic that I decide to go on HINGE which is a HUGE distraction, what can I say, I'm complicated.

I did the next best thing: I used my exceptional Nancy Drew investigative skills (AKA stalking) and found him on LinkedIn. That's right friends, I switched from a dating app to a professional networking website. Who does that? I do, apparently.

I sent him a brief, albeit self-deprecating message and apologized for my behavior. I tossed in a movie quote for good measure and he got it, thankfully and sent me a message back in kind.

There are some lessons I have learned through this experience, as follows:

1. I have a type - very sweet Catholic boys who I will completely terrorize with my personality and horrify with my penchant for swearing.

2. I DO in fact still live in a small town where the six degrees of separation is more like two. 

3. There is a better than average chance that anyone I may in the future decide to date, if they are from this city, will know my former husband and his family. (lesson 4 could be that maybe I need to move away when the kids are in college?)

4. I am totally unprepared to meet someone new right now, and I may never be ready. But, I think I know I would rather be set up than try a dating app or website in the future.

5. Finally, Karma is REAL. 

My former husband and I caught up at another basketball game recently and I shared with him the whole entire story (including who the guy was), and we both got a pretty good laugh about it. Nothing wrong with the guy, but everything wrong with ME right now LOL.

If anything, being able to share a story with him like this and us both finding it funny was kind of healing. He was my best friend for 22 years, I'm hoping that doesn't change. 

It is challenging to navigate it all, but I am grateful for the effort we're both putting in on it. Losing a husband was hard, losing him as my friend would have been devastating. So that's the unfunny part of this post, but it is the part with all my heart.

XOXO,

Maude

PS - I have received exactly ZERO dick pics thus far and that is a HUGE relief.

 

            

Maude VS The Divorce (Part 1)

Blog post penned in Sept. 2021 but never posted until now:

If you know me, this new information may come as a surprise.  So let me be clear, many people from my various lives have no idea that I'm divorced.  We haven't really "put it out there" or made any "unconscious uncoupling" announcements.  It is what it is.

To be honest, I wouldn't say I had "get a divorce right before I turn 50" on my vision board for life, but here I am.  That's probably why it's been kept close to the vest.  Who wants to publicly share a total personal failure after 20 (yes, 20!!) years of marriage.  And I DEFINITELY do NOT have "start dating again in my late 40's" on said vision board.  

For the record, I don't really have a vision board anyway.

Short story short, these things don't happen overnight.  And, rarely are they an amicable situation.  In our case, amicable is maybe being a little too optimistic but we're doing our best and putting the kids first and at the end of the day that's all we can do.  But, it wasn't an overnight situation and neither of us was surprised when we reached the mutual conclusion that we should "lovingly separate as a couple and commit to co-parenting our children." #celebritybreakupexplanations

For the record, I will not say anything unkind about the father of my children (I flat out refuse to say "ex-husband" as I find that term offensive for some reason) nor will I hash out any of our "relationship business", after all that's really what therapy is for.

My INTENTION is to do some processing of this loss on occasion, share some of my random thoughts about being in a position of being single and whatever other humorous or poignant stories, or otherwise "helpful hints" I can come up with to maybe give another middle aged divorcee sister from another mister out there a little help, if they need it.

My first helpful hint is actually directed at people who ask me, maybe not immediately but certainly way too soon, when I'm going to jump back into the dating pool.

Not now, maybe not ever? Never say never, as they say. But, as I think about the total package that I am, I don't know who would even be able to handle me!

Plus, I'm still trying to process the loss of a 22 year relationship, all its imperfections, happy memories and struggles.  I think it will take me at least that long to get over it all.  That puts me at, if I'm doing my math correctly (which if you know me is not my strong suit) roughly 70 years old when I'm ready to move on.  Folks, that's a no go for launch.

And, even if I were considering getting back into the game, I would have to try internet dating and that's just not a thing I can even envision.  Like, what would my dating profile even say?  At this stage of my life I'm so uninterested in trying to pretend to be something I'm not so unfortunately I'd have to put the brutal, unfiltered truth out there.  

I think my bio would have to be something like this:

"I am almost 50 years old, I've got stretchmarks all over my abdomen from giving birth to not one, but two giant children.  I'm a little saggy in many places, no matter how hard I work out and eat right.  I run, but I'm not fast, I lift weights as long as they aren't too heavy and I have a list of foods I can't eat longer than Santa's naughty list at Christmas.

I burp and fart.  Out loud.  And I think both of those things are hilarious.  The smellier the better, for either of course.  I am really pretty feral after nearly two years of working from home in my yoga pants. 

I don't like foreign films.  In fact, I prefer comedies, not rom-coms but just straight up comedies with mostly bathroom humor.  Basically I'm a 13 year old boy trapped in a 49 year old female's body.

I am hilariously funny.  This is the truth and I will make you laugh your ass off. But then, twenty minutes later you'll be so mad at me you won't even want to be in the same room with me. I'm complicated.  What can I say?

I like to be outside whenever possible and one of my favorite activities is fly fishing even though I am terrible at it. If you want a River Runs Through It experience, I'm not your girl.  If you want to untangle my line and help me tie flies on then we're good to go.

I'm basic, I'm flawed, I'm nothing really all that special.  Also, you should know, I swear like a sailor.  The F word is something I'm not afraid to use.  

I am anal retentive which means I'm a total neat freak and I like to be in control. If you are messy and bossy I'm definitely not your gal. Truthfully, I've got more issues than national geographic.

I am a hard worker, a loyal friend, and I try hard to be a good person to make up for a lot of crap I pulled in my 20s. I will be trying for YEARS to keep karma at bay...

I love my dog and my kids fiercely, I don't list them in that order because I like my dog better than the kids, it's just that right now since the kids are 15 & 17 the dog seems to be the only living breathing being in my house that cares that I'm alive.

I'd rather go on a hike and watch the sunset than sit and watch TV or a movie. I can quote a lot of movies, by the way, but for some reason I'm not really into watching them much anymore.  

I survived cancer, the early death of my father and a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis.  And I will survive this divorce.  

Therefore, I can pretty well survive being alone for the rest of my life so you have to be someone pretty goddamn amazing with like a unicorn horn and wings and shit for me to even give you a second look.  HMU if you're down with this."

And, I am not at all sure that the world of single middle aged men is ready for a shit show like me.  I'm loveable, for sure, but a shit show just the same. I will not be putting myself out there anytime soon.