NOTE: Be sure to read part 1 before you read part 2, I promise it is worth it
To catch up my dear readers (all three of you, you know who you are) I am now divorced. It has been almost 4 months since I penned Part 1 and a few things have changed but not much. Buckle up friends, and don't be drinking any beverages, lest you laugh so hard it comes out your nose...
I put myself out there. Yep, not once but twice. And within about 36 hours I took myself off the "being out there" because I could not handle it. OMG. I've learned two things: internet dating is NOT for me and I am not at all ready to put myself out there. Not at all.
The first time I did it was on a recommendation from someone after a few glasses of wine. Everything seems harmless when you're all warm and fuzzy from some adult beverages. So, I tried eharmony for a hot minute (with, TBH, absolutely NO intention of connecting with or going on a date with anyone) and IT. WAS. HORRIBLE! What the hell was I thinking?!
I don't think eharmony is horrible in and of itself, just the experience was not for me. First of all, you can put in your specific requirements in a potential suitor. Apparently my "requirements" are quite limiting.
Not a lot to choose from, and also, I am cheap and since this was more of a dare than anything serious I did NOT pay the money so I could see a lot of the profile pictures. (Yes, I am a skin deep person. Not afraid to say it.)
So once I got my profile up, it was a little weird. It was like walking into a bar full of men who haven't seen a woman in 20 years and you're THE ONLY ONE. Creepy McCreepersons!!! I mean I am sure they are all lovely but I just felt so awkward, virtually speaking.
Potential suitors can send a wave or a wink which, and while this is all via a web interface, it was weirder than being in a nightclub. I must say that I did not like it AT ALL.
Plus, because I AM truly trying to make up for being an asshole in my 20s I felt horrible that I wasn't reciprocating the winks and waves. I have plenty of emotions in my life, guilt being one of them and I didn't need that hanging over my head for a bunch of men I never intended to meet. So I deleted my account.
Keep reading, I promise this gets funnier!
Fast forward three months. My former husband (again, hate the use of the term "ex") let me know he was starting to see someone.
My reaction was actually nothing but supportive. His happiness has always been important to me. What I was MAD about was that he felt it important to tell the kids so soon and so early.
His reasoning was that in case someone saw them out together and it got back to the kids. As a kid whose parents IMMEDIATELY started dating other people before their divorce was even final I was worried about the trauma and asked him not to tell them. I still stand by my position, but he told them anyway.
They are good kids and handled it just fine as far as I can tell. But I kept saying "our city isn't so small anymore, you don't need to tell them, no one we know is going to see you." Remember that statement friends, it WILL come back into play shortly.
Over the weekend after having learned of his news and after chatting with some friends (I need new friends, their recommendations seem to get me in trouble LOL!) I decided to try HINGE, the dating app. I had heard good things about it and thought, what the hell. Mark put himself out there, maybe I am ready to meet some new people, too. I am, most certainly, NOT as I've learned.
Setting up your profile is quick and easy for sure. A few pictures, answer some questions, put in your deal breakers and boom you're done. Once again, I've learned that my very specific requirements severely limit the field of men that I can "match with" which, as you'll learn in a few moments is a bit problematic.
I went to bed shortly after setting up my profile and woke in the morning to several "comments". You can actually look at the men who commented to see if you want to respond. 100% all got deleted. And I. FELT. AWFUL.
It was like going to a bar, and a nice guy buys you a drink and you walk away to flirt with the hot dude at the pool table who won't give you the time of day. UGH. The guilt! The horror!
I worked most of a full day that day and had a break to walk the dog, so I checked HINGE while I was out and found even more comments that made me SUPER uncomfortable, except for one which was laughing emojis on a funny picture I had posted.
I had previously previewed the less than 10 guys that met my criteria and decided a couple of them looked nice enough. I thought if one of them reaches out I'll respond back.
One of them did (see above note about laughing emojis) and because I know NOTHING about the app, I commented on his comment which then made us a MATCH. Oh boy.
You can only see a first name, not a last name so that was good in the sense that I still felt a little anonymous. It can also be a bad thing if you need to know the last name of the person you "match" with, which in my case would have been TREMENDOUSLY helpful.
Having never been on HINGE before and not ever having corresponded with someone like this I didn't know WHAT to expect. We chatted briefly and he let me know that he was never married and had no kids. I told him I had teenagers and if that wasn't terrifying he was probably lying.
He asked if I had a girl or boy or both and I said one of each I mentioned that the older one had a college basketball scholarship. He asked if it was to his alma mater and I said no, a small private out of state Catholic college and gave him the name. To which he replied, that is Father So and So's alma mater.
I about shit my pants.
You would likely only know that if you're Catholic. If you are Catholic you might know my former in laws.
He then mentioned he was an alumni of the private Catholic high school both of my children currently attend.
More shit in my pants.
He likely knows my former husband's siblings, at least one or two of them...Crap, what do I do next?!?!
So, I let him know as much and that depending on his answer we likely could not be friends.
His year of graduation? Same as my former husband's oldest brother.
I asked him if he knew the brother and the reply "why yes, he's one of my dear friends."
EVEN MORE SHITTING OF MY PANTS. SO much so that they would likely need to be changed...
You have GOT to be kidding me, I thought, my requirements are so freaking narrow the only person I can match with knows my WHOLE ENTIRE FORMER FAMILY-IN-LAW?
And, also, what does it say that I seem to only attract alumni from the same damn high school. And I'm not even a cradle catholic.
He offered that I could get a reference check from the brother and I offered that he ought not to ask the brother about me. More awkward chatting. At this point I don't know how to back out because he is nice and I'm inexperienced.
Thankfully, I had to end our chat and go to a basketball game and did not have further correspondence with him until the next day.
Once again, overnight, there were a few just bizarre comments and some pretty forward requests in my little HINGE inbox from other men on the app, all of which got deleted.
Some of them did appear to be nice but they were either too short, too conservative or mentioned they weren't Journey fans, and right now Journey is providing the soundtrack for my life. That's a hard pass for me if you don't like Journey...
I got SO uncomfortable not only with the comments but the volume of them and feeling that old Catholic guilt about deleting them all.
I realized, I am so not ready to "put myself out there" nor am I even ready to probably go on a date with an actual human male, hell I cannot even sustain a chat for more than 12 hours on a dating app without running away screaming!
Because where we live does turn out to be a small town (remember me telling my former husband that it's not a small town? Karma is laughing her ass of at me I tell you) I thought I better tell this would-be suiter that this isn't an experience for me but that I wouldn't mind keeping in touch so I sent him a message with my number.
Then I deleted the app. Which meant that my message was ALSO immediately deleted. Therefore I totally ghosted someone that knows my whole husband's family and the guilt and embarrassment was too much to take.
Sooooo what does a girl do? She consults a serial dater in her office to ask what HE would do, and then does the opposite of his recommendation! He said, don't follow up, he will find you. I, however, did not WANT him to find me because I do not want to date anyone right now.
In December I deactivated my Facebook account and I deleted my Instagram access (not the account) so I could not find him on social media to apologize for disappearing. The reason is I started my MBA and thought I'd eliminate distractions which now seems ironic that I decide to go on HINGE which is a HUGE distraction, what can I say, I'm complicated.
I did the next best thing: I used my exceptional Nancy Drew investigative skills (AKA stalking) and found him on LinkedIn. That's right friends, I switched from a dating app to a professional networking website. Who does that? I do, apparently.
I sent him a brief, albeit self-deprecating message and apologized for my behavior. I tossed in a movie quote for good measure and he got it, thankfully and sent me a message back in kind.
There are some lessons I have learned through this experience, as follows:
1. I have a type - very sweet Catholic boys who I will completely terrorize with my personality and horrify with my penchant for swearing.
2. I DO in fact still live in a small town where the six degrees of separation is more like two.
3. There is a better than average chance that anyone I may in the future decide to date, if they are from this city, will know my former husband and his family. (lesson 4 could be that maybe I need to move away when the kids are in college?)
4. I am totally unprepared to meet someone new right now, and I may never be ready. But, I think I know I would rather be set up than try a dating app or website in the future.
5. Finally, Karma is REAL.
My former husband and I caught up at another basketball game recently and I shared with him the whole entire story (including who the guy was), and we both got a pretty good laugh about it. Nothing wrong with the guy, but everything wrong with ME right now LOL.
If anything, being able to share a story with him like this and us both finding it funny was kind of healing. He was my best friend for 22 years, I'm hoping that doesn't change.
It is challenging to navigate it all, but I am grateful for the effort we're both putting in on it. Losing a husband was hard, losing him as my friend would have been devastating. So that's the unfunny part of this post, but it is the part with all my heart.
XOXO,
Maude
PS - I have received exactly ZERO dick pics thus far and that is a HUGE relief.
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