Monday, January 17, 2022

Maude VS The Divorce (Part 1)

Blog post penned in Sept. 2021 but never posted until now:

If you know me, this new information may come as a surprise.  So let me be clear, many people from my various lives have no idea that I'm divorced.  We haven't really "put it out there" or made any "unconscious uncoupling" announcements.  It is what it is.

To be honest, I wouldn't say I had "get a divorce right before I turn 50" on my vision board for life, but here I am.  That's probably why it's been kept close to the vest.  Who wants to publicly share a total personal failure after 20 (yes, 20!!) years of marriage.  And I DEFINITELY do NOT have "start dating again in my late 40's" on said vision board.  

For the record, I don't really have a vision board anyway.

Short story short, these things don't happen overnight.  And, rarely are they an amicable situation.  In our case, amicable is maybe being a little too optimistic but we're doing our best and putting the kids first and at the end of the day that's all we can do.  But, it wasn't an overnight situation and neither of us was surprised when we reached the mutual conclusion that we should "lovingly separate as a couple and commit to co-parenting our children." #celebritybreakupexplanations

For the record, I will not say anything unkind about the father of my children (I flat out refuse to say "ex-husband" as I find that term offensive for some reason) nor will I hash out any of our "relationship business", after all that's really what therapy is for.

My INTENTION is to do some processing of this loss on occasion, share some of my random thoughts about being in a position of being single and whatever other humorous or poignant stories, or otherwise "helpful hints" I can come up with to maybe give another middle aged divorcee sister from another mister out there a little help, if they need it.

My first helpful hint is actually directed at people who ask me, maybe not immediately but certainly way too soon, when I'm going to jump back into the dating pool.

Not now, maybe not ever? Never say never, as they say. But, as I think about the total package that I am, I don't know who would even be able to handle me!

Plus, I'm still trying to process the loss of a 22 year relationship, all its imperfections, happy memories and struggles.  I think it will take me at least that long to get over it all.  That puts me at, if I'm doing my math correctly (which if you know me is not my strong suit) roughly 70 years old when I'm ready to move on.  Folks, that's a no go for launch.

And, even if I were considering getting back into the game, I would have to try internet dating and that's just not a thing I can even envision.  Like, what would my dating profile even say?  At this stage of my life I'm so uninterested in trying to pretend to be something I'm not so unfortunately I'd have to put the brutal, unfiltered truth out there.  

I think my bio would have to be something like this:

"I am almost 50 years old, I've got stretchmarks all over my abdomen from giving birth to not one, but two giant children.  I'm a little saggy in many places, no matter how hard I work out and eat right.  I run, but I'm not fast, I lift weights as long as they aren't too heavy and I have a list of foods I can't eat longer than Santa's naughty list at Christmas.

I burp and fart.  Out loud.  And I think both of those things are hilarious.  The smellier the better, for either of course.  I am really pretty feral after nearly two years of working from home in my yoga pants. 

I don't like foreign films.  In fact, I prefer comedies, not rom-coms but just straight up comedies with mostly bathroom humor.  Basically I'm a 13 year old boy trapped in a 49 year old female's body.

I am hilariously funny.  This is the truth and I will make you laugh your ass off. But then, twenty minutes later you'll be so mad at me you won't even want to be in the same room with me. I'm complicated.  What can I say?

I like to be outside whenever possible and one of my favorite activities is fly fishing even though I am terrible at it. If you want a River Runs Through It experience, I'm not your girl.  If you want to untangle my line and help me tie flies on then we're good to go.

I'm basic, I'm flawed, I'm nothing really all that special.  Also, you should know, I swear like a sailor.  The F word is something I'm not afraid to use.  

I am anal retentive which means I'm a total neat freak and I like to be in control. If you are messy and bossy I'm definitely not your gal. Truthfully, I've got more issues than national geographic.

I am a hard worker, a loyal friend, and I try hard to be a good person to make up for a lot of crap I pulled in my 20s. I will be trying for YEARS to keep karma at bay...

I love my dog and my kids fiercely, I don't list them in that order because I like my dog better than the kids, it's just that right now since the kids are 15 & 17 the dog seems to be the only living breathing being in my house that cares that I'm alive.

I'd rather go on a hike and watch the sunset than sit and watch TV or a movie. I can quote a lot of movies, by the way, but for some reason I'm not really into watching them much anymore.  

I survived cancer, the early death of my father and a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis.  And I will survive this divorce.  

Therefore, I can pretty well survive being alone for the rest of my life so you have to be someone pretty goddamn amazing with like a unicorn horn and wings and shit for me to even give you a second look.  HMU if you're down with this."

And, I am not at all sure that the world of single middle aged men is ready for a shit show like me.  I'm loveable, for sure, but a shit show just the same. I will not be putting myself out there anytime soon.

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