Children for sale - two for one special

I was in dire need of some dietary staples last night, but since I missed my kiddos all day I decided (against my better judgement) to pick them up and THEN hit the store.

Oh. My. God. What the HELL was I THINKING?

On the way into the store we talked about how much I needed their help, if they were good they could get a treat, etc etc. They seemed so sweet in the parking lot, even saying they wanted to get their dad a treat too, and if they weren't good, well they'd still get a treat for Mark.

So I "thought" when we got into the store that all would be well. Mistake #1: I did not restrain either child in the cart.

A brief summary of the events at the store:

1. They got into a wrestling/biting/hitting match over who was going to push the cart in the produce section, the FIRST PLACE we got to in the freaking store.

2. Both started crying because I bought red pears. God forbid change, if they aren't apples then life is apparently over. Who wants to try new things anyway?

3. In the meat department (stop #2) they started pushing the cart INTO each other, one was on one end, one was on the other and it was like freaking tug of war with a heavy and highly mobile object in the middle. And yes, both ended up screaming and crying in about 5 seconds flat.

At this point, people were REALLY starting to stare at us, some were laughing openly (but who can blame them) and I asked the meat department guy where the beer was.

4. We made it through a couple more stops without incident but crashed and burned (literally) on the way back to the produce section for one last item - by the way at this point the kids were following me screaming and crying because they weren't getting a treat so I started just singing "kids for sale, two for one special, one comes with his own blanket" - and we ran into our neighbor Margi, who has yet to start her family and while we were talking the kids literally TIPPED THE DAMN GROCERY CART OVER IN FRONT OF THE PHARMACY!!!!!!! I think Margi will up her birth control measures after that incident.

Needless to say they fussed and cried the entire time, and the sweet little bag boy at the check out stand asked if I needed help out and I said only if help meant that he would put the groceries in my car and bring the kids back into the store so I could go home and have a relaxing glass of wine ALONE.

He just kind of stood there blinking at me....I think he thought I was serious. Maybe I was.....