Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Am I screwed or what?

At five years old I would have NEVER been able to survive a slumber party at a friends house. In fact, I think I was in the second or third grade the first time I even had the guts to try, and then I remember freaking out and my poor mother having to pick me up, and she wasn't happy. Robe, slippers, no make wasn't pretty. And it was only about 10 pm....

Kaylee, on the other hand, has been begging me, PLEADING, to go have a "spend over" with her friend Hannah, who is in the third grade. Hannah is a great little girl, so it wasn't Hannah that worried me, it was Kaylee and her lack of knowledge of surviving a slumber party that had me concerned, ie: don't fall asleep first or your underwear will be frozen solid; someone will put your hand in a warm dish of water to see if you'll pee the bed, or, and this is my personal favorite, while you're sound asleep your friends will scrawl inappropriate messages in lipstick on the parts of your body not covered by a sleeping bag or hair.

But Kaylee and Hannah are young, so I probably didn't need to freak out quite so much. Reluctantly I agreed to the event, mostly because Mark was out of town, and handling one small and very tired child would be easier then both, especially because I haven't had the guts to go back to Safeway to buy booze since my Dad had to buy it last time (see this post if you're confused:

Brady & I took Kaylee to her friends house, and while Brady had dinner with Kaylee and her friends I sat talking to the parents (my friends) until about 7pm. Kaylee came wandering downstairs awhile after dinner, apparently surprised to see me and quite disgruntled that I was still on the premises and said, "When are you and my brother leaving?" to which I replied "In a few minutes" to which she said, and I quote: "AWESOME!"

I kep thinking that I would get "the call" to come & pick her up (a half hour drive from my house in traffic) so at 9pm when the phone rang I thought "this is it." I answered the phone only to hear my very inebriated husband on the other end of the line, slurring his words and confessing that he was at a place called "Cheerleaders" and it was Cougar night (''it's so obvious" he said) and karaoke night to boot. So basically he was drinking with his buddy watching a bunch of horny single 40 year old women warble Madonna tunes and was totally put out that none of them bought him a drink!

But I digress. Kaylee never needed to come home, and when I picked her up she clearly had a wonderful time. In fact, I think she was really pissed that I even picked her up! Five years old and ready to run....I'm screwed. And soon to be back in therapy.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Spotted at the dollar store

I was at the dollar store the other day looking for a few things for an event. I didn't find ANY of what I was looking for, but on the way out I spotted something that I couldn't quite believe. I blinked a couple of times, rubbed my eyes, I really thought it was a mirage or maybe I needed new glasses, but FOR SURE I saw a PREGNANCY TEST for ONE DOLLAR at the DOLLAR STORE.

I don't know about you, but when you buy things at the dollar store, you don't get mad if they don't work 'cause after all, it was only a dollar. Now if a pregnancy test was a dollar and it didn't work, well I'd be pissed. Especially if you're one of those people who might be a day late (and a dollar short) and you think "maybe I'll take this test to see if I really can put down a bottle of wine and four shots of vodka tonight."

In my humble opinion, an accurate pregnancy test is worth the exra nine or ten dollars, I would think. I mean what's a few more bucks to be absolutely sure instead of an entire nine months of freaking out thinking you've poisoned the embryo with a couple nights drunkeness at the local watering hole.

But you know what I didn't see at the dollar store? Condoms! And I would think if you sell a preggo test, you might want to sell a pack of rubbers. I'm just sayin'.

Teeth whitening, really not the first thing to address

Do you ever see those funky little side ads on different pages that you browse? Today I saw one advertising how to whiten teeth without bleach.

I'm thinkin' maybe putting that one tooth back in her mouth (or closing the gap, it's hard to tell) might be the first order of business.

Then the second one probably needs to visit the dentist and get that cavity taken care of. Priorities, people!

Friday, September 25, 2009

How to tell if you have the Swine Flu or not

I received an email from my Dad today. Unfortunately he's been ill this week and was concerned that he may have the Swine Flu. But, he indicated that he was pretty sure it wasn't, as he has a fail safe test. He said, and I quote: "I didn't have the urge to roll around in the dirt or become a lawyer" so he was positive it was just a normal virus.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Save it for the Civic Theater

Those of you who know me well are not surprised that my theatrics earned the comment "Save it for the civic theater" from many adults on many occasions in my lifetime. In fact, it is safe to say that I still have a flair for the dramatic. Unfortunately, so does my daughter.

The day started out the same as always, me badgering the children to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, comb hair over and over and over, whilst experiencing continuous ground-hog's day type feelings every time I opened my mouth.

After several minutes with my voice on repeat, the kids were ready to go, maybe not mentally, but physically ready for sure. Kaylee went completely apeshit and I literally pushed her into the garage with my knee, step by step by step.

It was an oscar-worthy performance, tears and sobbing. "I don't wanna go to school. I just wanna stay home." Full of sympathy I said, "sorry kiddo, staying home just isn't an option. Get in the truck." When little miss Academy Award realized I wasn't going to budge, she changed tactics on me and started begging me to drive her to school.

When that didn't work and she was safely buckled in her car seat, I closed the car door to muffle her screams. Pretty sure the neighbors thought we were dismembering her...

Flash forward to 10:30 when "the call" came in. "Mrs. Little, this is Mrs. Hurst from the Carden Academy. Kaylee says she's been feeling nauseous all morning and is asking for you to come and get her." Yeah right.

I went to the school (in no hurry mind you) and when I arrived, little miss Driving Me Crazy was sitting, eating, shoes kicked off and a big ol' smile on her face. I knew before I got there that she'd be full of shit. She totally had Mrs. Hurst convinced....the poor thing. She felt so terrible for calling me out of the office.

But really, what will be more fun will be to find a creative, yet appropriate way to punish Kaylee for faking it. I would bet $100 that my Mom has about a dozen ideas......

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Lincoln Logs

Lincoln Logs were one of my all time favorite toys when I was a kid. I could sit for hours putting little log style villages together by the warm wood stove fire in the basement of the house where I grew up.

All this time I thought of Lincoln Logs as a child's toy. Until yesterday. Kaylee and I were chatting about her day. I asked if she had any "adventures" yesterday and she said only one.

My sweet little blue eyed daughter told me that she stepped in dog poop at school. Dog poop? Yes, mom, I stepped on Lincoln Logs. Lincoln is the school dog, and I bet you can figure out the log part.

I will never look at Lincoln Logs quite the same way again.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Reaaalllyyy!?!? by Amy Little

Really? Someone took a 47 year old convicted schizophrenic murderer to the Spokane County Fair for a field trip?

Really? Was that the BEST idea for a little R&R you could come up with? Maybe a quick run around the hospital yard that has an electric fence or something MIGHT, just MIGHT, have been a better option?

Really? Taking a schizophrenic murderer to an event with thousands of people, including small children, lots of flashing lights and so much mental stimulus that even a sane person can lose their noodle? Really?

Really? Flashing across the TV screen a breaking news line was your best bet for finding a 47 year old man in a red jacket and a backpack who is a convicted murderer that got lost at the fairgrounds?

Call 911? That's what we're supposed to do? Really? Why not, um I don't know, lock your doors/windows and put the children in your bed with you, sleep with one eye open and a shotgun handy?

Really? Authorities didn't notify anyone for 2 hours? And you wonder why you can't find him? Really? And he could attack without provocation? REALLY?

Really. This is a head shaker people!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My Little Man

Brady had just finished going potty and tried to flush the toilet this morning. The handle, I must confess, doesn't always work properly. It takes a little extra oomph to get it to flush, but a 3 year old at 6 in the morning just doesn't have the stuff.

Instead, I stopped cold in my tracks, thinking I hear "Dammit! It doesn't flush!" I walked over, calmly, and asked him what he said. And a three year old is NOT bashful about repeating their words, particularly when they are things they KNOW they shouldn't say.

This sweet little voice said "Dammit." Incredulously, I asked again, what did you say? This time a bit more shyly he said "Dammit" and looked at me out of the corner of his eye, as if to say yeah I get it Mom, I know it's a bad word, so what are ya gonna do about it?

So I said Brady, please don't use that word, it isn't a nice word, nor is it a word for a little boy to say. I felt like I'd really made my point well. I didn't yell, make a big stinnk about it, I just simply and calmly explained the situation. One of my finer moments as a parent, I thought.

A little while later he was working on a puzzle in the bathroom (don't ask, just work with me here) and I distincly heard the following: "Dammit! I can't get the Liking McQueen togedder!" Now people can truly understand why I keep his hair when the devil horns start poking out I'll have fair warning.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The most exciting moment in my life happened at the store

I returned to the scene of the crime yesterday (Safeway) for some supplies for dinner with my Dad and step-mom last night. My dad decided to drive me in since he was blocking our car and because the kids were watching a movie with GiGi and my husband was balled up on the floor with a hurt back so what was there to do anyways?

I did not have to take the children, thankfully, and walked my dad through the entire ordeal while we were shopping. Of course, when Dad & Judy come to dinner, alcohol is a must. We stopped off and picked up a bottle of wine and headed to checkout.

A couple of weeks ago my driver's license went missing. I keep forgetting to go get a new one, and given the fact that I have purchased or attempted to purchase alcohol multiple times since I lost it you'd think I'd remember to get it taken care of. Not so. However I do know the true meaning of Murphy's law: no matter how old you look you'll get carded ONLY when you can't find your driver's license.

Last night, though, I was in need of some booze and I hoped that I'd get by without having to show my license. I almost fell over laughing when she carded me and I had to admit that I didn't have my license. She gave me a serious talking to, but I pointed out that I was with my Dad who was present at my birth and could vouch for me that I was legal. And guess what? He actually had to!

I'm a 36 year old woman with a husband and two children and my Dad had to buy my booze!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Children for sale - two for one special

I was in dire need of some dietary staples last night, but since I missed my kiddos all day I decided (against my better judgement) to pick them up and THEN hit the store.

Oh. My. God. What the HELL was I THINKING?

On the way into the store we talked about how much I needed their help, if they were good they could get a treat, etc etc. They seemed so sweet in the parking lot, even saying they wanted to get their dad a treat too, and if they weren't good, well they'd still get a treat for Mark.

So I "thought" when we got into the store that all would be well. Mistake #1: I did not restrain either child in the cart.

A brief summary of the events at the store:

1. They got into a wrestling/biting/hitting match over who was going to push the cart in the produce section, the FIRST PLACE we got to in the freaking store.

2. Both started crying because I bought red pears. God forbid change, if they aren't apples then life is apparently over. Who wants to try new things anyway?

3. In the meat department (stop #2) they started pushing the cart INTO each other, one was on one end, one was on the other and it was like freaking tug of war with a heavy and highly mobile object in the middle. And yes, both ended up screaming and crying in about 5 seconds flat.

At this point, people were REALLY starting to stare at us, some were laughing openly (but who can blame them) and I asked the meat department guy where the beer was.

4. We made it through a couple more stops without incident but crashed and burned (literally) on the way back to the produce section for one last item - by the way at this point the kids were following me screaming and crying because they weren't getting a treat so I started just singing "kids for sale, two for one special, one comes with his own blanket" - and we ran into our neighbor Margi, who has yet to start her family and while we were talking the kids literally TIPPED THE DAMN GROCERY CART OVER IN FRONT OF THE PHARMACY!!!!!!! I think Margi will up her birth control measures after that incident.

Needless to say they fussed and cried the entire time, and the sweet little bag boy at the check out stand asked if I needed help out and I said only if help meant that he would put the groceries in my car and bring the kids back into the store so I could go home and have a relaxing glass of wine ALONE.

He just kind of stood there blinking at me....I think he thought I was serious. Maybe I was.....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Another Mother of the Year Moment

Today is Kaylee's second SECOND day of school and guess what? TOTALLY forgot to pick her up. CRAP! Pick up time is from 2:15 - 2:25 and ya know what? At 2:28 I realized that I forgot. No excuses, no reason, just plumb forgot.

I mean there WAS someone at my desk unexpectedly this afternoon and it is only day 2 and I didn't have it in my calendar, but for the love of GOD what kind of a mother FORGETS to pick up their kid on the SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL!

And I'm Catholic now, so the whole guilt thing is REALLY getting to me. I feel terrible, awful, the worst mom ever. But, hopefully a margarita will fix all.