Saturday, October 13, 2012

Leaving it all on the pavement

It seems like every time I set a goal and I am ready and able to crush it, something gets in my way.  I'm having a poor old me moment, please excuse me for that.  Last summer I was totally going to kill my first sprint tri.

My training had me on target for a 1:45 finish, which is NOT smoking fast for competitive folks, but for me it was almost unbelievable.  Then, that whole booby cancer thing popped up and I wasn't able to compete.  Make no mistake, I'm gunning for a better time on the same sprint tri next summer.  Watch me.

Then I set a goal of a sub 2 hour half marathon tomorrow, October 14, 2012, well before I found out about the cancer thing.  But didn't give up on my training and I was trained, ready and in the best place to be able to achieve that goal, despite being 3 months post bilateral mastectomy.

Running this race in under two has been important to me for several reasons.  One of the big ones is that this is a Komen supported event, and that means everything to me.  I registered long before I knew about the lump.  I registered, at that time, because I wanted my first half marathon to be a Komen event.  And the meaning is even greater now.

Then, I came down with what I can only describe as the worst flu I've had in years.  Thank you husband and children for allowing me to take care of you, only to get it last AND WORSE than anyone else in the family.  This shit sucks.  It's made me tired.  My nose is raw from all the blowing (of the nose!) and my abs are now a six pack from the coughing.

It couldn't come at a more inconvenient time though.  One week and three days before my first half marathon, the one I wanted to sub-2 hour, the one that I was going to sub-2 hour so I could give breast cancer the middle finger and this.  This.  Damn.  Flu.

Honestly I feel like every time I'm set to achieve my goals something gets in the way.  ALWAYS.  Now I know why people wait until race day to register. (unless we fill up beforehand, Cause + Event Portland WILL have race day registration.  Jussayin')

And, quite frankly this has been a tough week for lots of reasons: starting my new job (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE), trying to get well, and then something bad happened to me earlier in the week.  Something very bad.  Something that I can't tell you about just yet.  I will someday, but right now I can't.  It's something that will live in my memory for the rest of my life, that I will never be able to be OK with.

And the hardest part of all of this has been the fact that I haven't had my usual outlet of physical activity to make peace with everything in my head and in my heart.  And I've been worrying about this half marathon, all my big talk about getting in under 2 hours and the pressure I've placed on myself.  I've got an easy out now, I've been sick.  How could I possibly be able to achieve that goal when I've been so sick?

Today at lunch I had my pity party with my family.  I sighed oh so discontentedly and verbally gave in to my fears and said I wasn't going to run a sub 2 hour half.  My husband, my sweet and wonderful husband said to me "Of course you can.  You're not going to let cancer and a cold and everything else get in your way.  You never do, why start now?"

I hugged him.  Then I started to cry (damn you tamoxifen!) and then my glasses fell off.  I asked him if he really thought I could do it and he didn't hesitate when he said yes.  I so needed to hear that.  More than anything in the world.  And I told him that very thing.

So here's my mindset:  tomorrow I'm going to run the hell out of that half marathon.  I'm going to give it everything I have, and then some.  I'm leaving it all on that pavement.  Forget you cancer, forget you cold, forget you awful incident that shall not be named, forget you all the doubt all the fear all the uncertainty.  Forget everything, except for the road ahead, good music in my ears and an amazing group of the best Girlfriends a girl could ever have the privilege of running with.

And if I run a sub 2 hour half I'll be thrilled.  And if I don't, I'll be so very proud of the accomplishment, and ever-motivated to get under 2 the next time around.  Holiday Half anyone?  :)

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