My Elf on the Shelf Is Broken

My Elf on the Shelf is broken
I think I'll send him home,
Turns out he's just as useful (and creepy)
As a garden gnome.

The kids have not stopped fighting
Since he came to play,
I don't think they'd even notice
If the damn thing went away.

I thought he might bring peace
To our chaotic house,
The kids would get along all day
And be quiet as a mouse.

Instead they've just grown louder
And more annoying by the hour,
They push and shove and kick and bite
And keep my mood so sour.

I hoped he would encourage them
To be sweeter to each other,
That's apparently asking far too much
For a big sister and her brother.

I thought they might be polite
And do what they were told,
But I guess the stupid freaky elf
Lost his powers in the cold.


Those nightly trips to the north pole
Must really take their toll,
The kids are boxing with each other
They are really on a roll.


My other beef with that damn elf
Is he can't quite find his place,
He never seems to remember
That he needs to move his face.

I'm pretty sure the kids
are on the naughty list,
That poor little elf
Is probably pretty pissed.

His presence doesn't seem to help
The kids can't get along,
I really need a drink right now
and it better be something strong.

I'm hopeful as the holidays near
That the kids can get a clue,
And learn to get along, be polite
For something different and new.

For if they don't stop freaking out
And being a pain in my rear,
I'm pretty sure that fucking elf
Is going to disappear.