Maniopausal

Maniopausal, that's what I am, that nifty little combo between maniacal and menopausal.  My family is soooooooo lucky.

It's really almost funny, well, it IS funny (I have to admit).  Many of the symptoms are really not too bothersome, the only one I will complain about are the totally irrational thoughts.

Think of your VERY worst PMS, where you were slightly paranoid, very emotionally unpredictable and completely sleep-deprived.  Now, times that by TEN.  That's me these days.

And the guilt, oh the guilt over things that normally wouldn't bother me, but my mind flips through my memories like an old roll-a-dex and then pulls one out from the very bottom of the pile, and I feel bad all over again about something I can do absolutely nothing about.  Good times...

Best part, this usually happens middle-of-the-night waking up in a pile of sweat after a colossal hot flash.  So then I'm cold, guilt-ridden and unable to go back to sleep without the aid of narcotics.  Which I refuse REFUSE to take any longer.  Time to start drinking again I suspect.

And I desperately wish for the superhero ability to command hot flashes when I need them, like in the freezer section at Safeway, Fred Meyer or basically ANYWHERE in the Walmart Neighborhood Market (that place is a fricken ice box).

All in all though I feel pretty good, and even started making a list of things in my mind about why it is totally awesome that I don't have any remnants of a reproductive system left.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1.  No more shopping for feminine products.  At least until Kaylee needs them, and GOD WILLING I have at least 4 or 5 more years until then....  And I am sure, as it did the last five years, tampon technology will have reached new heights, ensuring an embarrassing 20 minutes in the lady goods aisle.

2.  No more uterus.  Nuff said.  That thing, aside from giving me two beautiful children, has caused me NOTHING but TROUBLE.

3.  The Cliff Notes version of menopause.  Unlike many of my friends, not only did I have a primer course for about 5 months on Tamoxifen, but now I get the speed round since it has been surgically induced.  Can you imagine years of hot flashes, mood swings, and other very unmentionable side affects?  Me either, and thanks to modern medicine I don't have to.

4.  I will never ever have had to plan my race calendar around my monthly "bill".  EVER.  Thanks to the IUD, the mastectomy and now this, no period will interfere with my athletic pursuits.  Nothing says fun like menstrual cramps for 2 hours during your sprint-tri, eh?

5.  No more monthly bloating and irrational behavior, followed by an unstoppable craving for salt & chocolate.  Done, check that box.  Granted the next few months will be a little on the rough side (I think my husband and kids are pricing apartments for me for a 6 month term) but we'll all get through it in one piece.  Except for some things that I might break in a fit of menopausal rage.  It could happen.

6.  A killer excuse for going ape shit on stupid people.  I can give dumb ass annoying people a complete verbal bitch slap and then say I'm sorry, I'm in early menopause.  Don't take it personally.  K?  And they'll be like "OMG her poor husband and children".  You thought Tami was tough, wait until you see what Maude can cook up.

7.  I can coach all my friends through menopause in 10-20 years.  I'll know what books to recommend, foods to eat, homeopathic remedies to try (gotta gut this out without hormones thank you HRBC) and apartments to rent. Nothing I love more in life than being helpful to others.

8.  Hubby time will no longer need to be planned around a 28 day cycle.  No more stocking up the week before 'cause I know what's coming.  Nope, it's on.  Anytime, anyplace.  Well, in six weeks, oh, and within reason.

9.  New underwear.  My Mother In Law suggested I buy all new stuff and then burn the old stuff.  I. LOVE. THE. IDEA.  Though there won't be any sort of public burning and neighbors and friends I promise not to do it in the fire pit where we toast marshmallows in the summer.  Cross my heart.

10.  All kinds of NEW and FUN material for my book (that is not yet written, concepted or titled) and this blog.

My poor children and husband.  They are simply the best.  I hope they can forgive me for all my hot flash, hormone withdrawal, crazy ass making no sense because she's maniopausal behavior.  I hope they know how much I love them, and that Maude will only be here with us for a short period of time.  We hope.  Pray for them, would you?