Round Two

I've dealt with enough medical tests and follow up phone calls to know that when a doctor calls you, on a Saturday, it's probably not going to be the news you wanted.

Recently I underwent an exploratory (and in my mind totally unnecessary) ass-probing (er colonoscopy) which I was generous enough to share with you in a three part series, the first of which is here:  Maude VS The Colonoscopy

I tried not to be too graphic, but I did toss in a few things here and there that I would say might preclude you from reading the series on a smart phone over a meal.  I mean let's be REAL, the whole IDEA of what a colonoscopy is SUPER GROSS, not to mention the steps taken to be "prepared".

After the entire debacle (you can read it here: Maude VS The Procedure I wasn't really too concerned with the results.  I'm 41, I'm healthy and this was just "one of those things they told me to do" after having been diagnosed with breast cancer in July 2012.

I knew they removed one polyp and took a sample of the other.  He assured me he wasn't concerned, and thus nor was I.  So when the phone rang yesterday (a Saturday) and I heard his voice I knew I wasn't going to like what he was going to say.

I love how physicians always lead with "the good news is" because the fact that THEY are calling, not the nurse means it's really not SUPER good news, no matter what they say.  But, they are doctors, not politicians, so how are they going to spin it anyway?

But there is good news, and none of it is really BAD, but scary nonetheless.  So the ulcerative colitis that plagued me in my thirties is gone.  Chalk that up to not working in a stressful, high pressure, lose lose situation job.  Check.

The first polyp was consistent with the kind that are commonly found in people ten years older than me.  So I was slightly offended, like "how the hell is MY colon aging so fast?" but I realized later that it's not every day a healthy 41 year old goes in for a butt scoping.

These could easily be found in 41 year old colons, and that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  But that does mean over time that kind of polyp can turn cancerous, but it takes a lot of time.  Probably as much as my children take to put their damn shoes on every morning.

So then we got to the "but" or the "however" section of the call.  Before he even started talking I new what I was in for, read Maude VS The Prep but again I recommend not while consuming any sort of sustenance.  No matter what came out of his mouth, I knew undoubtedly that I'm in for another round of "Golightly" and A&D ointment.

Indeed, my instincts are rarely off (with the exception of thinking the original procedure was routine) and yes, I won the repeat colonoscopy lottery.  Most people win it with maybe a 5 year sentence, but no, I get to go back in as soon as humanly possible.

What he found was a polyp that he couldn't remove, that turned out to be, well I guess the best way to explain it is pre-cancerous.  If not removed I'm in trouble.  BIG trouble.  And from the sounds of it, there will be a "procedure", not just a violating ass camera experience without so much as a kiss goodnight afterward.  A specialist has to remove it (thank GOD because I don't want the other guy to EVER get NEAR my ass again) and there's probably going to be an incision, and yet another scar on my body.

Oh but the best part is now I'm signed on to this whole ass scoping adventure much more frequently than every 5 years, which would have been my original sentence based on the first polyp.  But no, I'm lucky (trust me) but never quite THAT lucky.  Looking more like every two years since these are the kind that can keep "popping up" and causing trouble.  Kind of like my children.

So the lesson in ALL of this is, even though I made a TON of horrendously inappropriate jokes about a "routine" procedure, it just shows to go you that even something as simple as a colonoscopy (or a mammogram, though I've well covered that topic) can really be a lifesaving adventure.  And, I do mean adventure.

If you have been putting off having a colonoscopy and you read my original three posts and said "screw that" please reconsider.  Honestly, as much as it sucks (and it does, what can I say I'm a realist) it's the smartest thing you can do.