Maude VS accidentally texting the wrong person and putting herself "out there" (sort of) maybe??

 Yes, long title. I'm aware. But, it truly encapsulates my morning. OMG. 

This story almost starts out like my grandma saying "back in my day we didn't have smart phones and you had to ride your horse down the dirt road uphill both ways in a blinding snow storm to talk to a boy you liked instead of sending a text".

26+ years ago when I was in the dating world, there were no smart phones. If texting had been invented, no one was doing it. We talked to people using a LANDLINE and if we were lucky we had caller ID on the phone and/or an answering machine in case we missed the call.

We. Did. Not. Text.  And for that I am thankful. 

Especially since I was known for juggling a guy or two (or three) back in my hey day (before children, stretch marks, gray hair and wrinkles) so this would have been a DISASTER for me.

Turns out, it IS a disaster for me, even with one man.  

Trust me, you're going to want to read this WHOOOOOOOOOOLE post - it's a good one. I hope you go into your weekend with a good laugh. I will be buying a GIANT bottle of wine to console myself...

To catch you up, last week with "football game guy" after our phone call, I left it that I'd reach out and let him know the organization where I landed. 

This morning I sent a funny text to see if he had time to chat today.  In a past conversation he told me his kids had gone to my high school, so I sent him this photo and accompanying text:

About 45 minutes later, he responds and I responded back an hour later to him:

I actually know he is really busy so I was 50/50 on how this made me feel. I decided that maybe I should seek the counsel of one of my single friends in the area and get her take. 

Thus, I texted her: 

But, it wasn't her......ERMAGHERD...it. was. HIM.

Weeellllll.........s##t....

So then I think, he must know I was talking about him. And, I'm pretty up front and straightforward (in other words I'd rather be honest than cover up with a lie) so I reply:

And then he replied, which wasn't an out and out denial:

What do I even DO with that response????!!!!!

I decide that I'll reach out at the end of the day, play it cool and suggest trivia night with friends so he can meet new people or something easy and non-specific but at least putting myself out there a little more.

But friends...it gets WORSE!!! 20 minutes later I get this text from him:

OMG. I reply:

He says "I'll give you a shout later." Very nonspecific. 

And "if you want more friends here I am open to that too" is also, NONSPECIFIC.  Although, to be fair it's probably better to lead with "let's be friends" than "I want to make out with you"...

I do not think I made it clear to him at all that I'd be interested as more than friends, however it is VERY clear I am just terrible with texting. 

He may not even have any sort of clue what the heck I am trying to get at, me thinking I am direct is being REEALLY indirect. 

INSERT SLAPPING MY FOREHEAD EMOJI HERE.

So now I am totally gun-shy on texting ANYONE at this point and I changed his contact name to the following so that if/when I text someone I will be damn sure I'm NOT texting HIM something I don't want him to see:

So, that's it. It's a lot of nothing, but still pretty hilarious all the same. I think he literally has NO CLUE that I like him.

Only Maude would do something like text a guy for guy advice about the guy when she really meant to text a friend...SIGH.

My gut says he won't call, probably thinks I am total nut job. (I am) 

I think it's time for me to lose his number.

But, hey, at least I kind of sort of very inadvertently in a totally nonthreatening and nonspecific way put myself out there...right?

I will get it right if there is ever a next time. Ever.

I'll keep you posted...and PS I tested some other dating sites out (not to use them - I am confident that is not the direction I am ever comfortable going) to share some other helpful hints for any of my other single friends out there looking for love in a digital (mid-life) age!  

Buckle up - it will be quite a ride.

Maude VS Online Dating (again! OMG!) and a gross married dude

 Yep - I went there. Again. Online dating sites. I discovered that I can pop on, see if I like the app, see if there is anyone interesting and then delete the app if I'm not feeling it. For the record, I have YET to "feel it". I have yet to stay on an app for more than 30 minutes.

Online dating is not for me.

Let me break it down for you, app by app:

Our Time - supposedly the site for mature (over 50) adults. Once I got in there, it read like an advertisement for burial services. I am not even kidding. I think I lasted 30 minutes tops on that one. Not one single dude on there did NOT look like my grandpa. It was like a catalog of card carrying AARP members. And then I think to myself, these guys (not all but a lot of them) are MY AGE. Do I now look like my grandma too????  I peaced out on that shiz real quick.

Bumble - I tried this one because a friend recommended it. As the woman, I get to make the first move. I like that because I don't have to delete Creepy McCreepersons who make lewd comments on my pictures (or just clueless ones) like on Hinge. But, like some of the other apps you have to PAY $$ to see who "likes" you which is lame because I'm really not that invested in this whole online dating thing anyway. Like I'm going to pay money only to find out it's Chester the Molester gawking at my pics. I bounced pretty quickly on that one too.

Match.com - This was the third app of the evening in a span of about two hours. I liked the filters I could use to search and I also liked that there was a larger selection of men on there versus the other apps. But, once again, I was getting messages but unless I'm willing to pony up $19.99 I can't see who it was. The worst thing was...I saw someone I know. 

Yet again, someone who knows my kids' dad and HIS WHOLE FAMILY. (Different than the last one, but that guy was also on this app, too). And neither of these two guys are someone I WOULD EVER WANT TO DATE. 

I started to notice many familiar faces from app to app to app as well. I shut Match.com down as fast as I did the married guy that started messaging me on LinkedIn on Friday night. 

Guess I am not the only one who has used that site to try & hook up!!  OMG!

So the married guy. Let me just say this, I had been having a glass of wine or two so I didn't clue in right away what was happening until he asked me about lingerie and women in their 50's. Sobered me up quick. 

Let me break it down for you like this: 

1. I know he is married so that is a HAAAAARD pass 

2. He's like 13 years younger with school-age kiddos (and I'm therefore old enough to be his mother) 

AND

3. Not even if he were the last man on the planet. Period. 

I could not take enough showers this weekend to wash that filth off. I typed every barfing emoji to the friends I told about the situation to make it clear that I was grossed out. 

Someone asked if maybe I misinterpreted him. But when he asked me about women in their 50s and lingerie not only was I sure I wasn't misinterpreting things, but I then told him that women in our 50s are all sweat pants aaaallllll the time. I was just trying to throw water on that fire he was trying (completely unsuccessfully) to start.

And I thought to myself, is this what dating is going to be like now? With social media and smart phones am I going to be grossed out constantly?? I really think that the dating app thing is just NOT FOR ME. But then, how will I meet someone? I've got kids, a job that I'm learning and my MBA to finish. Where would I even find anyone?? I guess I'm cool with a set up as long as he comes with good references. And, I will check them.

22 years ago when I was dating and got married we did not have all this "new fangled technology" that I think emboldens total perverts to be extra gross. Then I wonder, were dudes always like this but I didn't know because it's easier to be nasty with a cell phone & a messaging app than to talk nasty to an actual person? 

I just don't know and I am totally unprepared for this new world in which I am living: single at almost 50 in a very digital age.

Oh, before I forget I also tried Tinder. Same dudes as all the other apps (with a few additional freaks thrown in and an ass-ton of acronyms and slang that I had to google).  Once again, I'd have to pay money to find out who "liked me", and once again, I'm just not that into online dating, or maybe just dating in general. 

I deleted Tinder too after seeing about the same dozen faces I'd seen on the other apps who meet my very narrow (apparently) criteria in a man. (once again, same two dudes that know my former husband and all of his family were on Tinder. I can't escape!!!)

I guess maybe I need to move out of state...

I also think, if I'm being honest, that I'm hoping that maybe "football game guy" might be someone I can hang with, though I am terrified of rejection. After getting a divorce, losing my job, and then interviewing for several jobs I'm not sure how much more rejection a girl can take! But, if you know me, you know we'll find out. When I want something, I go after it. 

The bottom line here friends is this: dating apps are not for me. They probably never will be. So, if you know someone tall, dark, handsome, single, and not gross keep me in mind. As I said, I'm cool with a setup. Or a meet-cute. Whatever, as long as there is no technology involved, I think I'm good.

Maude VS adversity

It's been a week. Well, it's been a month.  Check that, it's been a year. Hell, it's been a decade if I'm being honest. I won't list the "choose your own adventure" twist and turns of my last decade, many of you know me so you know what they are. What a ride, kids!

Everything came to a head at the end of January when I lost my job. In the span of less than 365 days I got a divorce and became unemployed. These items were not on my "before I turn 50 bucket list" but I can check them off now. And hey, I'm still standing! And on my own two feet, no less.

I am not even going to try to sugar-coat the last few weeks. Rough doesn't even begin to cover it. Rock bottom might be more accurate. I felt like I was there. Yet, I also knew I had a lot more to lose. So much more that, quite honestly, I'd started to take for granted. More on that later.

Maude has faced a LOT of adversity over the years, and each time she comes up swinging. She will fight, she will scrap, she will plot, she will take action, she will also cry, sob, spend sleepless nights worrying and live in total fear until everything works itself out the way that it should. It always works out. 

This time was no different. More on that later too.

I had many conversations with my kids about facing adversity throughout this process. Some people might say I shouldn't tell my children so much, but to me I'm not doing them favors if I don't take a little time to talk about adversity and that how we handle it says everything about who we are and what we're made of.

Did I break down? Many, many times. Did I pick myself back up? Over and over. And it got harder and harder. But, I picked myself back up and kept fighting forward. I wanted my kids to see this. I want them to know that we don't give up. We keep up the fight. We stare adversity down until it backs away slowly with its hands up.

There were days when I was so despondent, and it is hard to describe the pain I felt during those moments. But, miraculously there was almost always someone reaching out to me to check-in and see how I was doing. 

And many times those check-ins came from people from the way back time machine (high school!) or my River Discovery rafting trip in 2019 (COVID hit and I NEVER see those amazing humans). 

Just when I felt like I was at my lowest, there was someone there to pick me back up. Those of you who reached out, from the bottom of my little cold, black, shriveled up heart: THANK YOU. You will NEVER EVER know what it meant to me. I will never take my network for granted again. 

And for every person that checked in on me that was unexpected, there someone else I thought would care enough to make sure I was OK that didn't. That was hard. It was another powerful lesson in adversity, we are humans and we need to care about each other. Even when we might not know what do say. Say something, damnit.

Even if you are uncomfortable checking in on the divorced lady or the one who lost her job, know that your check-in will BE WELCOMED. Even if the ONLY thing you can ask is "are you ok?". These are such powerful words. 

If you're afraid that's all she'll talk about if you ask, you would also be wrong. She wants to focus on 8000 other things than the current state of her life. Trust me, you won't get wrapped into a hour-long conversation about how crappy things in her life are. She's been thinking about it nonstop, she needs a change of pace. Just ask. That's all you need to do. Remember these words: "are you ok". So. easy.

So what did I do when this all went down? I approached applying for work like it was my full-time job.  I also called and canceled 200 extra little subscriptions that I didn't need any more. 

I canceled my gym membership (I have a weight set and spin bike at home). 

I called the credit union to see if I could get a break on my car payment for a month or two. I was going to contact my mortgage company next. 

I put my car up for sale. 

I did not sit around and wait and hope that things would get better, I just went into business mode and took care of everything I thought I needed to.

I networked like my life depended on it! (remember a previous post where I reached out to someone I met once briefly from Spokane? THAT kind of networking). 

Thank you to everyone that was willing to help when I reached out to ask. I will return the favor 1000 times if you need me to.

An experience like this is life-changing. At least it has been for me. I took some things for granted - for example my network of people - how did I ever do enough so right in my life to have so many awesome people willing to help? I'll never know. I'll work until I die to repay the kindness I've been shown.

I took my house for granted. For a few weeks there, I thought I could lose it. I do this thing called "catastrophizing" (a term I am intimately familiar with thanks to my therapist years ago). 

What that means is I go from 0 to 60 thinking of a parade of horrible things that will happen as a result of the thing I'm experiencing. In this case: unemployment.

In my mind I went from gainfully employed to homeless, living with my mother, having lost my house, riding a bike everywhere and working at a strip club because no one else would hire me. 

I thought I would lose my house, my car, my kids: everything (listed in no particular order). When you sit back and take stock of what you do have when you think you could lose it, and I mean like really lose it not in a hypothetical kind of way, it's HUMBLING. But I think it was one of the best things to happen to me.

Now I appreciate things so much more, I DO know what I stand to lose and I know what I'm made of. I will fight, I won't give in, and I won't give up. I hope that is an example my kids will remember. They are young, they will face adversity over and over. They already have.

As you might have guessed at this point, I do have a new job. I start in March. I can't say where or what - there's background checks to be complete and I'm hoping they don't find any dead bodies in my checkered past. I have about 2 weeks left to do things I want to do, or maybe nothing at all. Who am I kidding? I've got a list a mile long. But, I plan to take it easy anyway.

A few final notes before I sign off this less than hilarious blog post. This time has also taught me a lesson I didn't think I wanted to learn: I don't want to do this life alone. I'm not ready to NOT do it alone right now, but I'll get there. I know I will. 

There is nothing lonelier than being scared and not having someone to share that with who can tell you everything is going to be all right. I don't know that I would ever have known I wanted someone around if not for this experience. On the plus side, starting a new job and finishing my MBA gives me PLENTY OF TIME to be ready. There's no rush! 

I've had many questions about "golf guy" and "football game guy" (they are the same person, just different references) and what happened when I called him. Nothing. Really, nothing at all. He was VERY nice, offered to help and he did, actually. 

He was willing to leverage his contacts to help some crazy mom with loose change and a couple of bucks that he met once in a line for a football game. He's my kind of person. 

That said, I don't think there's any interest on his side and that is OK too because I'm not ready yet. I sent him a text the other day to see if he had a minute to chat, I felt like I should thank him over the phone instead of an impersonal text for being so kind and willing to help a stranger.

He said he was traveling for work and his phone was dying and asked if he could call the next day after 10. He called right about 10:15am. I thanked him for being willing to help and let him know I found a local position. And offered to help him if I ever could. 

That was it. I told him I'd let him know where I will be working once it's OK to share. So, I think I will call him to tell him and see if he wants to hang out, ever.

We'll see what happens from there. Probably nothing at all. But I put myself out there and now I know I won't be afraid to do it again someday. Just not today.

As hard as all of this was, all I see are blessings. Big ones. This was one of the most difficult challenges I've faced but I made it through and I learned a lot about myself in the process.

 I'm grateful. 

For all of it.

Maude VS Trying not to be a stalker

Ok, I seriously am kind of a master at finding people. Some call it stalking, I call it my "Nancy Drew Detective Skills" (if you don't know who Nancy Drew is, stop reading now. You won't be able to relate to ANYTHING else I'm saying). In my old job, it came in SOOOOOOPER DOOOOOPER handy. 

In my personal life, it's a bit dangerous. 

Also, PS all that stuff I said about not wanting to date, well I think I was serious about it at the time but upon further reflection, it's not that I don't want to date, but that I am actually looking for someone specific. 

And, I found him. GULP. 

I must turn back time (ala Cher) to get you up to speed. My divorce was actually approved by the court last September. But, we'd been separated for months before that, and basically, it had been a long time coming. BUT, up until that point I was still married, technically speaking.

Therefore, the thought or the idea of someone new wasn't, well, even a thought. It was all pretty fresh so in October at the homecoming football game at the kid's high school I was horrendously underprepared to talk to an actual MAN, someone that I didn't know, who isn't part of my personal or professional circle, related to me by marriage or blood, or otherwise the husband of one of my friends.

I'll set the stage for this encounter - me, hair still dripping wet (and likely gray roots showing because I'm too lazy to color my hair often enough) because I jumped on the spin bike and took a quick shower before the game, no make-up, jeans, a sweatshirt, wearing my Chuck Taylors, carrying a ratty old blanket (so old in fact it used to be on my bed when I was like three years old). I was truly a vision.

My giant child, the one planning to play college basketball next year came barreling out to grab the wrist brace she asked me to bring because she forgot it. I handed it over and she asked if she could go to a party after the game. I reminded her of all the rules - "Make good choices, please. If you make a choice I don't agree with don't drive. call me or your Dad to pick you up. No consequences other than the crushing disappointed gaze I'll level for a day if you make a good choice after a bad one." That kind of thing.

This guy kind of bumped me from behind and said "Good job, mom." I am sure I mumbled something fairy unintelligible but we kind of kept talking and then we were standing side by side. At the time I knew right away: easy to talk to, tall, nice, funny, friendly, and fit. Totally my type. 

Except, I thought, I am not ready to meet my type, seriously just look at me (see the aforementioned state of my appearance) and I don't even KNOW how to talk to someone of the male persuasion who I don't even know. 

But, he made it easy enough. In our maybe five minute convo, I learned he had moved to Boise from my hometown over the summer, he had been golfing with some people from the alumni club all day who invited him to the game, he has two college-aged kids (one is a collegiate athlete, too) and above all I could tell he was really proud of his kids. 

Um....hold my beer while I try to make out with him. WAIT!  NO! ERMAGHERD! STAAAAAHP!

In any case, we covered a lot of ground in a short period of time and I deduced, perhaps incorrectly, that he must be single. Then we got up to the gate where you have to pay to get in and of course, I was so busy like, totally uncomfortably STARING at him while he was talking that I completely forgot to see if I had any cash. 

He offered to pay to get me in (so now I'm even more embarrassed) but thank God I found $6 in ones and quarters...and maybe a stick of gum.

I wished him well and to have fun and that was that. I did not see him again. 

Could not get him out of my head for months. 

To be BRUTALLY HONEST, I had hoped to find him on either eharmony or Hinge but I did not so I bounced. Well, I bounced because the whole thing with both options made me REALLY uncomfortable. But, also, with my incredibly narrow search parameters, I never found him.  

I find admitting to this all a little unsettling. And, a little nerve-wracking because I've built this guy up to be something that he probably is not. Likely married, or dating (like who would not SWOON over a Dad talking so fondly and proudly about his kids) and I am, most certainly not, his type.

I would think he'd go for your typical well-styled, fitness goddess with super white teeth, who is never late, doesn't carry a ratty old blanket and won't go out in public without makeup. And, always has her own cash. Also, someone with her shit together. You know, the complete opposite of me. 

And yet, I still tracked him down. What is wrong with me!

It all started when I found out my kid's dad started seeing someone. I guess that was what did it for me, if he is ready why am I not? For the record, I am not sure that I am, but for whatever reason, I feel like if this guy is single and available, I would totally make out with - er, I mean - GO OUT with him...(calm down Maude, jeezus)

After some brainstorming and reviewing of the crime scene and with the help of a friend I figured out how to find him. Where we live is a small enough town, and if you're golfing with a bunch of Catholics at the alumni tournament, chances are we'll know someone in common. And we do.  So I found him on LinkedIn and sent a message. All about helping me make connections in the business community in my hometown

To be honest, though, my initial "in" with him is totally not a lie. I could tell he was a super nice guy and since he's a golfer I made the leap that he's probably a good networker and knows people. Especially people in the business community. 

Because, as you might know, I am currently unemployed - another strike against me as we've previously discussed because who doesn't want to date a nearly 50-year-old unemployed single mother - so I am casting my potential employment net pretty wide. 

I am applying for work pretty much all over the PNW, including my hometown where he just moved from. So that's my cover. And it's actually totally true. 

I am supposed to call him (he gave me his number after I messaged him on LinkedIn - I seem to skip the dating apps and use the professional networking sites, so there must be something wrong with me) to talk through some of the connections he might potentially have and help me out.

But here's the thing - I did a full-on basic crazy woman background search already. I know where he lives in Boise. I read his bio on the company website that only mentions his kids no wife or significant other. 

I found his house that he sold last summer in my hometown on Zillow and I know it's his because I found a whole bunch of other stuff about him, most of which was on his LinkedIn profile.

And there's a photo of just him and his kids hanging in the house. His kids went to my high school where I was the mascot.

And I saw a shit load of wine in boxes in his storage room in the Zillow photos (he most certainly is MY people) and an old late 60's or earl 70's Ford truck in the driveway. I love those. I dream about a dude picking me up in one of those and going on a picnic date to watch the sunset.

Like I said - crazy woman search. I hope he never reads this. Well, I mean it will probably turn into nothing at all since I'm potentially moving and most certainly am not his type or in any position to consider anything with ANYONE until I can get my shit together. And, it's spread all over the place right now, so packing it back up is a bit of a chore. Gonna be awhile.

My biggest stress is that I also hope that I don't inadvertently mention something that I know that he hasn't ever told me when I do talk to him because that would be horrifyingly embarrassing. It is hard to un-see and forget things I've found out by being a crazy person. And I am, a total crazy person though I reassured him I'm not a crazy stalker. 

I feel like he sees through it...

So, I guess here goes nothing. I'm going to call him and hope I don't make an ass of myself. And, even if it turns out to be nothing at all, at least I know that maybe, just maybe, I might be OK with someone in my life someday. That is a win in my book. 

Just...maybe not yet.  I'm still kind of a shit show.