Parking Patrol

Recently upon returning from a lovely morning at the Portland Children's Museum I found a ticket for $24 because my tires were slightly over one of the two lines to my right in my miniscule parking space at the Sunset Transit Center.  This is for the jackhole that I saw lurking in the parking patrol car about 10 spaces away from me:


I was actually puzzled why you would ticket me, asshole, because you watched me park my minivan as you sat there in your car salivating over the 50% commission you'll no doubt receive for ticketing vehicles in the parking garage.

Could you not have wandered over and said something like, oh I don't know, "Did you know, miss, that if you park over the line I can write you a ticket for $24?" Instead you sat there watching me, no doubt with a giant hard-on, waiting for me to leave so you could take a picture of my car and write the ticket.

And it was highly interesting that you, in your official vehicle, were blocking the way so you could ticket all 10 cars that were there at 9:45 am. There were about five cars parked on the main level leaving plenty of open space, including the two on either side of MY car, that you could have parked your vehicle in.

But then again, you were in an SUV, and you must know how freaking impossible it is to park in those miniscule spaces that are designed to hold only a Toyota Prius or a Mini Cooper. So instead you sat in the car with your pants down watching me take my two small children to the train, just waiting for the opportunity to test our your fancy new digital camera to get proof of my infraction with the Mission Impossible music playing in your head.

And to be honest, it never occurred to me to check to make sure I wasn't over the line because I run out of fingers counting the number of times I have driven to the Sunset Park & Ride and not been able to park in the dozen or so empty spaces left because several other people with cars that are normal sized can't park in those little tiny spaces thus rendering it impossible for us to park either of our two vehicles.

Oddly enough I don't remember EVER seeing tickets on the windshields of THOSE vehicles no doubt because you'd get writers cramp on those days, assuming again that your hand has been busy doing other things to yourself while you wait for them all to leave, as I believe you were doing today.

If you really want to raise revenue for public transportation try actually CHECKING on people to ensure that they have paid their fare or have their pass. I've ridden the train dozens of time, and paid my fare EVERY TIME. I cannot say that for other folks. I've probably paid for that one ticket several times over. OR you should go write tickets on a thursday at 11am when the lot is FULL, or ANY OTHER day other than Sunday.

So perhaps maybe I'll just pollute the atmosphere and clog our congested roads for the next 6 times I plan to use the train instead, you know, so I can cover the cost of this ridiculous ticket.

Peace out.

The Activia Challenge

Day 1:  Wow, tasty yogurt!
Day 2:  Tasty yogurt.  I'm kind of gassy though.  Can't be the Activia, though!
Day 3:  Wow, yogurt.  I am really gassy.  My husband won't even get within five feet of me.  What could I have eaten?
Day 4:  Yogurt.  SOOO gassy.  When am I gonna poop?
Day 5:  Damn yogurt.  Bloated from the gas.  How much longer before the damn bursts?
Day 6:  Goddamn yogurt.  At least the damn burst tongiht, but I might have to call the plumber.  And my husband STILL won't come near me.
Day 7:  Freaking yogurt.  Still bloated.  Still gassy.  STILL POOPING.  On my to-do list:  buy toilet paper, a plunger and some air fragrance.
Day 8:  On the plus side:  At least now I have a morning crapper.  Minus:  So damn gassy at night.  Husband thinking of sleeping outside to get away from the stench.
Day 9:  When they say "regulate" your digestive system does it really mean farting for 4 hours at night, followed by extreme crapping, jet propulsion edition?  NOTE TO SELF:  Buy stock in Charmin.
Day 10:  Still eating that vile gas producing husband repelling colon cleanse in a container.  Fucking yogurt.  Sorry, gotta go, time to make a deposit in the excrement bank. 
Day 11:  No more of that shit.  Still gassy.
Day 12:  Took a big crapper this morning.  How long will it take to cycle out of my system for god's sake?
Day 13:  Still farting, no husband within 100 feet and now I'm constipated as hell.
Day 14:  Activia, you win.  Regular in 14 days.  As in regularly gassy, bitchy and smelly.  Hey, who needs yogurt for that?

Top 10 things I want to tell the high school students I work with but I can’t or I might be fired:

1. Please resist the urge to suck the uvula out of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mouth. You are only going to be separated for about 90 minutes, tops, and the sounds you make are extremely unappealing.

2. Blue hair is for puppets, not people.

3. If you think you’re being an individual by piercing things, look around. EVERYONE expresses their individuality by piercing things. Maybe try NOT piercing things, and then you’ll be unique.

4. No one wants to see your boxers/briefs so pull your damn pants up. That is why they call it UNDERWEAR. You wear it UNDER your clothes. Only superheroes are allowed to wear their briefs over their clothes. You are NOT a superhero.

5. That tattoo you have and/or want to get will turn to a giant blob of unrecognizable ink someday. Resist the temptation.

6. Lunch is NOT a subject in school. You cannot say your favorite subject is lunch. You don’t get graded on how quickly you can pound down an 800-calorie burrito and a soda.

7. Bikini strap tank tops are not an acceptable form of clothing for school, they are meant to be worn UNDER something, not as a separate clothing item. If you wear one, you are sending the message that you are a sexual animal and an easy target for horny high school boys desperate to get laid. If you don’t want them staring at your boobs, cover them up. If you do, well cover them up during school hours for the love of GOD. Boys don’t need more distractions at school.

8. School is for learning and preparing for your future. Put your phone away and wait until lunch to text your friends. Once again, I repeat, lunch is NOT a subject so that is a better time than during Algebra, something you need to pass in order to graduate.

9. Adults can absolutely read body language. If you think you are being sly with your friends by rolling your eyes, I assure you we CAN see you and we don’t really care that you roll your eyes. We have a job to do, so get over it.

10. “Hey sexy” is not an acceptable greeting for every one of the opposite sex whose uvula you’d like to suck out. They aren’t all sexy and lying isn’t nice.

Squirrels UNITE!

I haven't been posting lately, mostly because of the holidays and the fact that I was without technology (aka unplugged) for about 10 days, and then I went back to work.  Seeing as how I'm home sick with a bad bad bad cold I've got a little more time on my hands.  Which brings me to Facebook.  Need I say more?

YESTERDAY I received the following invitation:  Squirrel Appreciation Day
Time Friday, January 21 · 12:00am - 11:55pm

Location The Whole Wide World
Created By If this group gets 1,000,000 people, It will have 1,000,000 people.

TODAY I received the following message from a certain Sheldon K Burns:

It has come to my attention that this event has been taken over by members of Alpha Gamma Delta. The aforementioned party has managed to run off some guests from this event, which is designed for the holiday of National Squirrel Appreciation Day. Just in case the definition of squirrel is a little hazy, here it is: any of numerous arboreal, adorable, cutesy, heart-warming, bushy-tailed rodents of the genus Sciurus, of the family Sciuridae.



So, sorority girls, young and old, I ask, no, demand you to stop running off the good people trying to appreciate the bushy tailed mammal that we all love. We value your attendance in this event and please feel free to invite all your sorority sisters. I only ask for you to please not run off the non-Greek lovers of all thing squirrel.


Everyone, please invite all your friends!


Thank you


Sheldon Burns, President

"If this group gets 1,000,000 people, It will have 1,000,000 people"

Sponsor of "National Squirrel Appreciation Day"

Let's dissect this shall we?

First of all, I didn't know anyone was REALLY named Sheldon, other than that guy on the Big Bang Theory.  By the power of reasoning I can only assume that anyone with that same name is probably as much of a lonely virgin as Sheldon on BBT. 

Furthermore, if your name is Sheldon and you create an event for the appreciation of squirrels and you know their actual scientific name & classification, I think you have a little more to worry about than a few old sorority girls.  ATTENTION SQUIRRELS:  HIDE on January 21, as I am not sure exactly what an adult male would mean by National Squirrel Appreciation Day.  Just sayin'.

And another thought, the event is public, so why can't we be including ourselves?  If you really wanted non-greek squirrel appreciating friends, you should have kept it private and invited the only three friends you have that you play online video games with.  Duh.

And it isn't a REAL event, it's an all day squirrel love fest for the Whole Wide World.  Again, squirrels take note of the above advice.

It also occurs to me that you mention that we're scaring off non-greek lovers.  Seriously?  Sheldon, by your photo it appears that you are an adult.  When are you going to grow up?  I am a 38 year old woman (by the way I never responded to the invite in case you're wondering) and the vast majority of the ladies you are telling to NOT pay attention to your little event more than likely finished college before you were even a zygote for shit's sake. 

I also would like to point out that if you really want a million followers you probably DON'T want to piss off the 90% of the population out there who really give a rat's ass about squirrels.

And dearest Sheldon, please don't send those kinds of messages without thinking about who you are sending them to.  It's rude.  You'd be MUCH better off posting something to a public blog like I am.  Oh, and by the way, personalities are on sale at Macy's.  I suggest you go buy one.

Why My Children Will Someday Need Therapy

Reason #1:  I have convinced them that Santa IS watching them.  All the time.
Reason #2:  I have convinced them that Santa has a cell phone and uses it to text me when they are naughty.
Reason #3:  I have convinced them that the website that tells them automatically that they are on Santa's nice list is run by Gremlins.
Reason #4:  They KNOW what a gremlin is.
Reason #5:  They have been completely convinced that they have a 50/50 shot at getting coal in their stockings.

God, I love Christmas.  It is the one month of the year I have something to hold over them to keep them in line.  Yes, I know, I am mother of the year.