Sunday, September 25, 2011

If there is a hell....

If there is a hell, I am thoroughly convinced it is Chuck E. Cheese's.  Have you ever been there?  It's like Vegas for kids under the age of 12.  All flashy lights, no daylight anywhere, little tokens to put in games that spit out tickets that you win so you can redeem all 9000 of them for a pink eraser.  Vegas, man.

I waded through the massive crowds of people to find the birthday party for Brady's little buddy and I was in total awe.  Whoever dreamed up CEC was a genius.  And, if you don't already know, my definition of a genius is someone with a lot of smarts and no common sense.  I mean really, you invite people to bring their children into a dark and germ invested child version of an Indian Casino filled with slot machines and you have a two drink maximum?

My theory is they should give you a Xanax for every 25 tokens you buy your kids.  Although I suppose maybe CEC is the reason that flask technology has really improved over the years.  A flask is about the only thing you need to take with you, other than a credit card, to survive.  Oh, that and a shit load of hand sanitizer.

I have been VERY few places in my life where I felt that I needed a shower immediately upon exiting, this would top that list.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.

Towards the end of the adventure Chuck E. Cheese made a personal, and highly disturbing appearance.  The first sight I caught of the mascot mouse I thought to myself, "there's a nightmare waiting to happen" and sure as shit, there were several kids screaming and crying out for their mothers, myself included.

Can you pick a more creepy character?  It has a giant plastic head with a perma-grin and these two giant beaver-teeth looking set of chompers right under its pink, shiny nose.  I had an anxiety attack just thinking of what those two little teeth could do if he caught my arm.  Incidentally I left a voicemail for my therapist on the way home.

But the part that beats it all is when you feed your tickets into this little machine and it counts them for you.  It made the most skin-crawling "num num" noise every time you fed them in.  I kept looking around for It.  I shudder at the thought.

I can honestly say, that if there is a hell and I'm pretty sure I'm headed there, it's gotta be Chuck E. Cheese.


LatteLover said...

Soooo...guess what I just got in my damn inbox? Yep, an evite to a CEC bday party for L. ugh. gotta remember to go to Target for more Purell...

Vikki Espinosa said...

I went to CEC ONCE! I will never go again. It almost killed me...literally. Caught some nasty germ, was 3 months pregnant, got SARS, landed in hospital for 12 days - 2 in ICU, husband told to prepare himself for my imminent death. Yeah, that bad. Will NEVER go back! No amount of Purell will protect you.