Things no one told me about...

I am creating a list of things that no one warned me about, prior to my bilateral mastectomy.  If you haven't had one, you won't be able to relate, but I'm hoping if you know someone who might be getting one soon that you'll pass this information along.  And if you have, please add anything I missed to the comments below!

1.  Your boobs will have no feeling in them.  None.  So you walk around like you have a couple of giant spongy hostess cupcakes on your chest.  Except the cupcakes are rock freaking hard.  This is the only way I can describe this.

2.  They itch.  But you can't scratch the itch because you have no feeling, thus an inability to pinpoint where you need to scratch.  If you do scratch it doesn't help and leaves you with a really creepy feeling.

3.  When you wake up from surgery, your arms will work (kind of) but all the things you took for granted that used to be easy (like wiping your own ass) will be difficult.  For weeks.

4.  Don't think you'll be able to raise your arms.  Ain't happening.  Getting something out of the medicine cabinet is impossible.  Raising your arm to flip off that a-hole driver is also not possible.  Sorry.

5.  Do not, under any circumstance, bend over for a few weeks.  The only thing I've found on earth that is not subject to the law of gravity is my underwear, thus every time I bend over to pick something up, my chest feels like it was going to explode.

6.  You will drop everything, all the time, simply because it hurts like hell to bend over.  They call me butterfingers.  And if you're like me, you refuse help 98% of the time.  But, let's be honest, it is way more fun to complain.

7.  You will probably not be able to dress yourself.  Pulling on your pants or pulling shirts over your head is an Olympic effort for a couple of weeks.  And yes, you won't need a bra so just be ready for the inevitable feel up your husband will want to do when he sees those new boobs of yours (if you go the reconstruction route).  But, you can't feel it, so WIN WIN!

8.  When you go in for a weekly "inflation" (see earlier post about how it is like getting your braces tightened only it's your boobs) save some muscle relaxers for the first couple of nights.  No one gave this tip to me until last week and I was ready to keep my smaller boobs simply because of how miserable the recovery was each week I got pumped up.  Now, I sleep like a rock AND I feel better in the morning.  MUCH better than the "red wine & sleeping pill" therapy I was using before.

9.  The "tissue expanders" are hard as rocks (see above) and stick out in odd places on your body, especially in my armpits.  I can actually see the seams which is both freaky and cool all at once.  They are a nuisance, though, and to be honest the shape of my temporary boobs is just plain weird.  Thank GOD we don't belong to a nudist colony.

10.  Clothing with elastic and zippers are, while not very stylish, an essential part of your wardrobe for the first few weeks.  And let's be honest, you won't feel well enough to go many places so you don't have to be all embarrassed about your lack of fashion sense.  And hell,  you just had your boobs removed, you deserve to wear whatever the freaking hell you want.  Just sayin'.

I'm sure there are more little "hints" and as I am not through with my reconstruction journey yet, there will be more to add.  But these are just a few things that I wish I had known, especially the no feeling/itchy thing.  That is just creepy.  Shudder.