Detox

I realized, mere moments ago, that I need to detox.  From Facebook.  And I'm totally freaking serious.

Just twenty minutes ago, as I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror dripping wet and completely naked, I picked up my phone (that normally doesn't come to the bathroom when I shower but this time it did because I was texting info to a friend on the way up the stairs) and checked Facebook.

We'll get to my phone attachment in another therapeutic Facebook post, baby steps....

So, you know, normally checking FB isn't a big deal, except when you should be putting on your clothes so you can go dowstairs and cook food for your children.

Except when you are buck ass naked and soaking ass wet.

Except when you have a pile of laundry to throw in the washer.

Except when you have, you know, life to live and shit to do.  Which, if I'm being honest is all the freaking time.

But yet.......

So in the span of about seven minutes, four spent checking everyone else's updates, one spent checking to see who "liked" my most recent post, and two realizing that I have completely wrapped up nearly every shred of my self-worth and self-esteem into who likes my status updates, I realized that I need to take a break. 

I also started to recognize feelings of jealousy and sadness when I see someone going on an epic vacation I can never afford, or two friends spending time without me, or a family doing something together that our family can't afford to do.  I started to get a chip on my shoulder.

Then I noticed that I started to wonder what's wrong with me if someone I thought for sure would LIKE one of my posts, and didn't like it.  It's hard to wrap your brain around the idea that likely they just didn't see it, but still.  But still.  You wonder.

And then you start to worry more about what everyone else is doing, what you're missing, and then you suddenly realize as you're standing in your bathroom with not a shred of clothing that somehow this social media thing has crossed the line for you.  What you're missing is YOUR life.

And then you think about simply needing to disentangle yourself.  You think, I'll just shut it down for a month, and see how that goes.  And then you sit down at your computer to find out how and then it dawns on you just how horrifically, irreversibly intertwined your life has become with Facebook.

How that one innocent little account that you created so many years ago has connected you with so many aspects of your life and the only portal, the only entrance is through your Facebook account.  Seriously, just take a look.

So then the wheels start turning and you think about how you can still keep an iron in all these fires without having to BE on Facebook, and you can't.  You absolutely can't.  Unless you have some other random account that no one knows that you accept no friend requests to, maybe that will work.

Except you realize that you HAVE to be "friends" with people in order to even be added to or take part in certain groups.  And then you start to have a panic attack, the kind where it feels like there's a big ass sumo wrestler sitting on your chest and there's not a goddamn thing you can do to get him off.

And then you realize that you'll still be checking Facebook even if you have no friends because all the communication from certain groups comes through Facebook.  And who the hell wants to use an email account anymore when, with a few keyboard strokes and the click of the "enter" button you've successfully communicated your message to everyone you need to talk to.

And then you'll still be looking at the status updates of everyone you have to be friends with in order to play "the game" and you start to realize you'll still be comparing yourself with others.  You'll wonder why some people are friends on Facebook but they've never "friended" you.

You'll feel all those things you don't want to feel and why you wanted to disengage yourself in the first place: jealousy, sadness, rejection, and that you still, after all these years, don't fit in or measure up to everyone else.

And then you find a therapist because you read the blog you just wrote and realize you need some serious help. Even as I type this I realize how bizarre all this sounds.

And as the panic attack subsides you decide you're going to try anyway, do the best you can and give yourself a break.

For a moment you question if you can handle the change, can you break away, can you get by.  And it's sad to you that you have to even wonder if you can do it.

That speaks volumes without saying much of anything at all.

And Facebook isn't bad, it's just bad for me.  It's been incredible to connect with amazing people from so many areas of my life.  But it's also become a major source for how I feel about myself, and no one should ever be in a place where the yardstick by which they measure their success is on a computer screen.

One month.  I'm going to try.  I suspect it will be hard but I hope it will be a relief.

Come Monday morning at 7:30AM PST (I hope to hell I can sort my stuff out by then) my personal facebook page is going dark.   No judgments here, just looking for some peace.