Friday, April 11, 2014


Alas, even I am growing weary of my recent and prolific anti-Facebook posting, so I'm fairly certain this will be the last on the subject, though I won't say never because saying never has bitten me in the ass too many times. 

My mantra of late is usually "probably never" which gives me the right so say "I told you so" and gives me an out in case I change my mind: "I said PROBABLY never.....".

To close out my thirty day detox posts, I’m thinking I am going to start a new social networking site.  A place where real people post real things.  I’ll have one person (if I am lucky) sign up, I suspect.  

Given the rousing success (or lack thereof) of my thirty day challenge, I had two takers initially, one of them lasted 24 hours before she was back on the ‘Book, I’m being cautiously optimistic that I’ll even have one person join me.

One would argue, ostensibly correctly so, that A) no one wants to read your depressed bullshit and B) that’s what therapy is for.  

In order to really SELL this concept I thought perhaps I would give examples of what you WOULD Facebook, but what you SHOULD Realbook:

What I would say:   “Having a blast at the Oregon Coast with my family!”
What I should say:  “Sometimes I wonder why I brought my children on this beach vacation.”

What I would say:  “Super excited about how this meal turned out (with a picture, instagrammed of course)
What I should say:  “Spent hours on this meal, damn kids turned up their noses, husband dry heaved.”

What I would say:  “Girls night out!  What a blast!”
What I should say: “I’m too old to be out this late dancing and drinking.  And I look like a f*#king cougar. And not even a hot one at that.”

What I would say:  “Kids and I had a blast at the Japanese Gardens today!”
What I should say: “Kids complained the whole time about how miserable they are at the Japanese Gardens, thankfully I instagrammed a few pictures of them to make it look like they had fun.”

What I would say:  “I love my job, working with students is the best job in the world.”
What I should say:  “What the F did I get back into public education?”  OR  “I’d really rather be an alcoholic stay at home mom and volunteer at my kids school during rare moments of sobriety than deal with disrespectful youth I’m not even related to.”

What I would say:  “Had a great 10 mile run with my friends!”
What I should say: “Why did I run ten miles?  WTF is wrong with me?  Sadly, my incontinence got the best of me, ten miles is a bit too long without a porta potty stop apparently. Why do I insist on torturing myself?”

What I would say: "What a wonderful Saturday with my family!" complete with instagram photo of us doing something adorable and family-oriented
What I should say:  "Did four loads of laundry, cleaned three toilets, scrubbed the toothpaste scum out of the kids' sink and basically ignored them until I realized we should do something fun.  Snapped this picture so my mother would think I wasn't a delinquent parent since she stalks my Facebook page."

I am curious, in the interest of keeping the conversation going, what are some of YOUR posts that you WOULD say, but SHOULD say?  

If you are willing to jump through a couple of extra hoops (thank you Australian psychopath for making me force people to submit their comments for approval) post your Realbook posts in the comments and I will publish them as soon as I can find the time between scouring my kitchen sink and yelling at my children.

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