Monday, April 14, 2014
Do runners poop in the woods? Why yes, they do!
On a recent long run (names changed to protect those who have not consented to me sharing their names), the following happened:
Three of us (two of my best running friends and I) set out on a ten miler along the waterfront, starting and ending at Oaks Park. The girls were nervous (friend 1 because she was having some odd foot pain and friend 2 because she didn't think she could run ten miles!) and so we altered our route to pass by the rest rooms FIRST during our run (nervous poopers and all...).
We arrived at the first set of crappers just as we finished running along the Harborside/SW area. The first bathroom was locked, the second one was occupied (as the homeless man who tried to go in pointed out in a stream of profanity.) We're pretty sure the gal that came out was shooting up in there, and the other restroom was still, as yet, occupied. We moved along to the next set. Friend 1 had no trouble but there was no TP and friend 2 was pretty sure she would need some.
We crossed the steel bridge and I introduced her to the concept of ass kegels, a great way to keep the poop in there and an extra workout for your glutes. Near OMSI we found a couple of porta-potties, this time with ass wipe, but friend 2 emerged discouraged, I'm pretty sure the outhouse was so gross even her poop refused to come out. "Stage fright" she said as we set about the last 3.5 miles.
Round about mile 9 (one left to go) friend 2 stopped cold in her tracks (by this time I was having sympathy crowning) and it was time.....
So we jogged along the Springwater trail until we could find an embankment where she could go down and hide behind a tree. "You want me to poop out THERE?" she asked incredulously. "YES!" friend 1 and I replied.
We explained she could use the dead leaves to clean up shop and by this time there was seconds to spare. As she scrambled down the bank a husband/wife ran by with a stroller. We asked if they had any tissue and they said no. They were pushing a stroller, you cannot tell me they didn't have at least a couple baby wipes, but whatever.
There was a lull in the action on the trail so our buddy was able to, er, successfully make her deposit without disruption. And THEN she used the leaves. We were so proud! I felt pretty confident that she had, indeed, really truly earned BAMR status.
And, we all learned a valuable and important lesson: bring kleenex next time.