Thursday, November 18, 2010

Everyone's a Critic

I am really not sure what wild hair/hare has gotten into me lately, but whatever it is I've gone insane.   I have never been sure if the expression is "homeless crazed bunny caged for the first time" wild or "weird gray hair sticking out of the top of my head and cannot be curled or sprayed down" wild, but either way I think I'm safe.

But I digress, what I really want to talk about is what happened this morning at 6am. I have been getting up prior to the ass-crack of dawn to work out.  So this morning I wandered (OK stumbled half asleep) downstairs and started the coffee pot.  I got one of those newfangled contraptions that grinds & brews your coffee all at once, and needless to say it can be a bit loud.

Under normal circumstances no one wakes up when I push the button, but today as it so happens, both children were awakened, rudely I surmise, and came hopping down the stairs shortly after I began huffing and puffing on the elliptical.  I always close the door so that my gasping for air and crying for mercy cannot be heard by the rest of the house so imagine my surprise when I saw the door nearly fly off its hinges to see two sweet smiling faces still in their PJs with VERY messy bed head.

"Whatcha doin'?" They asked me.  I kind of wanted to say "climbing mount everest" or "gutting a pig" to see what they would say, but as I mentioned it was early and none of us were awake enough to think. 

I explained that I was working out and Brady, bless his sweet little heart, said "good job mom, you're not getting as fat as you were!"  Oh, now, isn't that sweet?  If he were not made of 50% of my genetic material I might have done something I'd regret later.  Instead I just ignored it and tried to go about my business. 

I noticed that the kids had given up and left, which made me thankful that I would continue my workout undisturbed, and ALONE, which is how I like it.  Sadly though, they both returned shortly thereafter with their pillows and blankets and basically had a picnic in the room.  They wanted to know if they could watch me. 

What do you say at 6 am to your adorable, although frighteningly honest, little children?  As I mentioned I just started the coffee pot so my mind was not functioning at all so I said yes.

For the next 10 minutes I heard the following:  Mom, go faster!  Mom, you aren't doing push ups right.  Mom, what is THAT exercise you are doing?

You know, if I wanted a personal trainer, I would have gotten one.  But I didn't because the last thing I need is someone I know watching me sweat like cold beer in the hot sun.  Oh, a beer sounds might nice......Sorry, I got distracted for a second there.  What I mean is that I like to work out ALONE, the way God intended, so that no one that you love can ever see you THAT horrifically out of shape and THAT close to passing out (unless there's that beer involved I mentioned earlier and then you're OK on the passing out thing).

One nice thing they did was count for me while I did some planks (the worst exercise ever invented to torture someones out of shape abdominal muscles) and were absolutely amazed when they got to the number 50.  Granted they counted so fast it was probably all of 20 seconds, but still they were impressed. 

My next workout?  Find the tools and put a lock on the door.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Workplace Restroom Etiquette

Now that I am back among the employed in a building with a couple hundred people (instead of just a couple) I am remembering what it's like to share a bathroom space with people you have never met.

As such I have developed a short list of "tips" for people who are in a similar situation.  You know, I always try to be helpful. 

Without further delay, here are my top tips for people in the workplace to remember about the employee restroom:

1. If you poop, PLEASE oh PLEASE remember to spray something in the stall for God’s sake. We all drop the deuce now and then (coffee and fiber are a deadly combo) but if you do happen to soil the bowl please do us all a favor and use room deodorizer, I hate to tell you but your shit does, in fact, stink.

2. Don’t leave the radio running in the restroom with a public radio station on. There’s nothing more frightening in the early morning before the IV dose of caffeine kicks in and you hear a male voice speaking in hushed tones on the other side of the stall door. I will always think I made a wrong turn and ended up in the men’s room.

3. FYI the bathroom is not your personal office. Do not answer your cell phone on the shitter. Do not go in there to make a personal call. Do it at your desk like everyone else. Sheesh.

4. In reference to item #3 if the person on the other side of the cell phone knew you were going “tinkle tinkle” while talking to them, they would probably throw up a little. Don’t do it.

5. And if you break rule #3, make sure you have the decency to speak in English so we can eavesdrop as is our right, and so we also know you aren’t talking about that really tall lady that was crop dusting you on the stairs earlier.

I am SURE I missed something, so please, comment at will.