Friday, January 14, 2011

Top 10 things I want to tell the high school students I work with but I can’t or I might be fired:

1. Please resist the urge to suck the uvula out of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mouth. You are only going to be separated for about 90 minutes, tops, and the sounds you make are extremely unappealing.

2. Blue hair is for puppets, not people.

3. If you think you’re being an individual by piercing things, look around. EVERYONE expresses their individuality by piercing things. Maybe try NOT piercing things, and then you’ll be unique.

4. No one wants to see your boxers/briefs so pull your damn pants up. That is why they call it UNDERWEAR. You wear it UNDER your clothes. Only superheroes are allowed to wear their briefs over their clothes. You are NOT a superhero.

5. That tattoo you have and/or want to get will turn to a giant blob of unrecognizable ink someday. Resist the temptation.

6. Lunch is NOT a subject in school. You cannot say your favorite subject is lunch. You don’t get graded on how quickly you can pound down an 800-calorie burrito and a soda.

7. Bikini strap tank tops are not an acceptable form of clothing for school, they are meant to be worn UNDER something, not as a separate clothing item. If you wear one, you are sending the message that you are a sexual animal and an easy target for horny high school boys desperate to get laid. If you don’t want them staring at your boobs, cover them up. If you do, well cover them up during school hours for the love of GOD. Boys don’t need more distractions at school.

8. School is for learning and preparing for your future. Put your phone away and wait until lunch to text your friends. Once again, I repeat, lunch is NOT a subject so that is a better time than during Algebra, something you need to pass in order to graduate.

9. Adults can absolutely read body language. If you think you are being sly with your friends by rolling your eyes, I assure you we CAN see you and we don’t really care that you roll your eyes. We have a job to do, so get over it.

10. “Hey sexy” is not an acceptable greeting for every one of the opposite sex whose uvula you’d like to suck out. They aren’t all sexy and lying isn’t nice.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Squirrels UNITE!

I haven't been posting lately, mostly because of the holidays and the fact that I was without technology (aka unplugged) for about 10 days, and then I went back to work.  Seeing as how I'm home sick with a bad bad bad cold I've got a little more time on my hands.  Which brings me to Facebook.  Need I say more?

YESTERDAY I received the following invitation:  Squirrel Appreciation Day
Time Friday, January 21 · 12:00am - 11:55pm

Location The Whole Wide World
Created By If this group gets 1,000,000 people, It will have 1,000,000 people.

TODAY I received the following message from a certain Sheldon K Burns:

It has come to my attention that this event has been taken over by members of Alpha Gamma Delta. The aforementioned party has managed to run off some guests from this event, which is designed for the holiday of National Squirrel Appreciation Day. Just in case the definition of squirrel is a little hazy, here it is: any of numerous arboreal, adorable, cutesy, heart-warming, bushy-tailed rodents of the genus Sciurus, of the family Sciuridae.

So, sorority girls, young and old, I ask, no, demand you to stop running off the good people trying to appreciate the bushy tailed mammal that we all love. We value your attendance in this event and please feel free to invite all your sorority sisters. I only ask for you to please not run off the non-Greek lovers of all thing squirrel.

Everyone, please invite all your friends!

Thank you

Sheldon Burns, President

"If this group gets 1,000,000 people, It will have 1,000,000 people"

Sponsor of "National Squirrel Appreciation Day"

Let's dissect this shall we?

First of all, I didn't know anyone was REALLY named Sheldon, other than that guy on the Big Bang Theory.  By the power of reasoning I can only assume that anyone with that same name is probably as much of a lonely virgin as Sheldon on BBT. 

Furthermore, if your name is Sheldon and you create an event for the appreciation of squirrels and you know their actual scientific name & classification, I think you have a little more to worry about than a few old sorority girls.  ATTENTION SQUIRRELS:  HIDE on January 21, as I am not sure exactly what an adult male would mean by National Squirrel Appreciation Day.  Just sayin'.

And another thought, the event is public, so why can't we be including ourselves?  If you really wanted non-greek squirrel appreciating friends, you should have kept it private and invited the only three friends you have that you play online video games with.  Duh.

And it isn't a REAL event, it's an all day squirrel love fest for the Whole Wide World.  Again, squirrels take note of the above advice.

It also occurs to me that you mention that we're scaring off non-greek lovers.  Seriously?  Sheldon, by your photo it appears that you are an adult.  When are you going to grow up?  I am a 38 year old woman (by the way I never responded to the invite in case you're wondering) and the vast majority of the ladies you are telling to NOT pay attention to your little event more than likely finished college before you were even a zygote for shit's sake. 

I also would like to point out that if you really want a million followers you probably DON'T want to piss off the 90% of the population out there who really give a rat's ass about squirrels.

And dearest Sheldon, please don't send those kinds of messages without thinking about who you are sending them to.  It's rude.  You'd be MUCH better off posting something to a public blog like I am.  Oh, and by the way, personalities are on sale at Macy's.  I suggest you go buy one.