Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My children are addicts

For the holidays Mark's employer was kind enough to "gift" him an iPad.  Yes, you are not seeing things, you read it correctly: A FREAKING IPAD.  Even though I think it was one more way to ensure that he'd be "accessible" no matter where he is and what time of day.  Watching him get all twitchy when he can't raed his email at bedtime is a bit amusing, albeit disturbing at the same time.

The fact that HE got the iPad is kind of hilarious if you know Mark and I-could-care-less attitude about advancements in technology.  The man wasn't even a participant in the texting revolution until last summer for Pete's sake.

I estimated it would be about three days before he gave up and it became mine, and rightfully so I must say.  After all, I'm the gadget geek in the house.  I'm the one who practically has a big O anytime I can figure something out that a condescending tech support person would normally take three days, two heavy sighs and a "I can't believe you're so stupid" dirty look to do.

But I'm off topic, shocking I know.  When Mark finally got the thing up & running the only thing he could get it to do was play "Angry Birds" a highly addicting game/app/life sucker that was preinstalled.  I believe he said "The kids will sure like this!" FAMOUS last words.

We've gone from Fruit Ninja and Angry Birds to twenty different apps and GIANT meltdowns, with moments of bargaining, whenever I cut the kids off.  I mean honestly, Brady begs, BEGS me, "can't I just look for some updates mom?"  He's standing there, scratching himself, breathing heavily, looking around like there's a cop hiding in the dark corners of the house.  "Just one game mom, I promise.  Just one more."  Yeah right ya little monster.

So I thought I would give them ten minutes each morning, and that would be it.  And yet, ALL DAY LONG they beg, please, BARGAIN for just "one more game" and that's it, they swear, it will be their last.  But I don't give in.  No sirree, it's for their own good.  The iPad is mine, MINE.......

Mark and I discussed this morning that we need to detox them.  How do you detox children from Angry Birds, Pac Man, Chicktionary and Knocking Down Cans?  I"ll let you know how it goes.  And I may be starting my own support group FIPUA (former iPad users anonymous) and my kids will be charter members.  Damn you Apple, damn you and your amazingly wonderful touch screen technology....

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I was wrong to accuse you...

Dear Activia,

I was wrong to falsely accuse you of making me a giant, bloated gas machine.  It made sense at the time, I has just purchased Activia yogurt (only because it was cheaper since I had a COUPON, Mom would be so proud!) and suddenly I noticed that I was just farty & hellaciously fragrant and I blamed it on you.

Once my complete 24 pack of Activia was gone (you just CAN'T let that yogurt go to waste you know!) I moved on to Chobani.  It wasn't cheaper but I figured it wouldn't make me gassier than a full helium tank so I continued with my assumption that it was you all along Activia.  Shame.

Oddly enough I continued to find myself repelling my husband and cutting a hole in the ozone layer with my stench.  I was left with one conclusion: I MUST be lactose intolerant.  So not only have I thrown Activia under the bus, but really dairy products as a whole.  And let me tell you, trying to walk through Costco and avoiding samples covered with cheese is nearly impossible.  That leaves me with dry crackers or muscle milk.

Ah, sweet relief.  As much as I missed cheese and yogurt, I didn't miss feeling like a tight rope around my colon, squeezing the air trapped in its most dark and dangerous crevasses.  We thought there was a slight chance that indeed, my fart syndrome was caused by edamame, which was quickly put to rest.  With regret in my heart I said goodbye to dairy and hello to a bunch of other crap that I didn't really like.

Four long and excruciatingly difficult days went by.  I tried all kinds of things to replace my lunch and snacks with non-dairy options, including eating Kashi Go Lean Crunch, dry, no milk, no yogurt mixed in, as I had been eating it for weeks.

The kids also decided, along with Mark, that Kashi Go Lean was tasty no matter how its eaten: milk, no milk, yogurt, no yogurt, and we all started consuming it with reckless abandon.  The first evening as we sat down to dinner we all felt a bit uncomfortable, slightly bloated and in general just a little gassy.  Then, without warning, we had a virtual SYMPHONY of farts.

Let me tell you there's nothing like the sweet sound of children and parents, tooting in concert, bouncing off the hard wood chairs, making it echo in the vault of our ceiling.  A concert.  Of farts.  At dinner.  Ya gotta love it.

So once again I want to extend my sincerest apologies to Activia and all dairy products.  And give you fair warning about Kashi Go Lean Crunch.  The stuff is so tasty and so full of fiber that you'll have the cleanest colon on the block, but you will be living alone.