To say I'm disappointed would be like saying I kind of have a crush on The Rock. (I have a BIG ASS crush on The Rock). To say I'm sad would be like saying it sometimes rains in Portland. It rains here like 9 months out of the year. To say I'm angry is like saying Lindsay Lohan's Dad has a slight personality disorder. Need I say more?
Yesterday afternoon after a lovely little nap with my 6 year old, during which I repeatedly woke up shivering I thought I should check my temperature. My fever was back. And it was ringing the bell while the fly girls yell.
I did a very quick search on WebMD (my go to for medical concerns except for that time Mark had meningitis) and discovered a little warning about ladies like myself taking Tamoxifen and getting the flu. Awesome. NOT.
Turns out, and I'm so thrilled to find this out NOW, ahem, my immune system is compromised which makes it significantly more likely that I'll develop something awful after having the flu, unless I go in at the first sign of my symptoms and get that tamiflu stuff. (Ironic that the beginning of the drug's name is Tami, just sayin'.)
I decided to go in to Urgent Care and I do have to say I was very happy with my experience. Normally I hate going in to those kinds of places, but these guys at ZoomCare, really were pretty great. I had to give the whole background story on my cancer and the drug and the blah blah blah.
So, one flu swab (negative), one blood draw, and a chest X-ray later they are still not sure how to explain my 99.6 degree fever (which was down from the hour before when I took Tylenol). I left with prescriptions and a caution that I've probably got pneumonia, but they can't really confirm it until they see all the test results.
So I had to ask. I'm a runner, I had to know. Could I still run 13.1 miles? She said, and I quote: "I strongly advise against it. You will finish on a stretcher." Always wanting a second opinion, and because she was IMing with her supervising physician I asked her to double check with him. I could see his response on the screen: NO!!!!!!! Um, so you're saying there's still a chance I can run? NOT!
So here I am, Sunday morning, writing about another race I can't run because of this stupid cancer/tamoxifen/crap. I'm sad, angry and so disappointed. I was supposed to give cancer the middle finger today by running in under 2 hours and instead, it's sitting there laughing at me like a bully that just knocked all my books on the ground.
If you know me, though, you know that this will just motivate me even more. Eventually. Right now I'm finally giving myself permission to be sad about it. But, in the end, I woke up this morning to a hug and a kiss and a long snuggle from my little boy. And my sweet girl is reading over my shoulder right now waiting for me to finish so she can play on the computer.
Time with my husband and children is a little gift I was given this morning and one that I cherish deeply. Seeing my daughter's smile as she came down the stairs is something I would have missed if I had gotten up ass crack early to run. If I had run that race I might have been hospitalized. That was made crystal clear.
So, while I'm sad, I remain thankful that the choice I made was to listen to my body and the reward is this precious time at home today.
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