Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Things I'd like to tell certain people at my gym....

1.  To the guy at the front desk:  Under normal circumstances I'd find your lack of enthusiasm, or general acknowledgement of my existence, appalling.  Since it's 5:30am and it appears that neither one of us is capable of much more than an unintelligble grunt, I appreciate you.

2.  To the really really really skinny personal trainer whose make up looks like she's been up since 4am getting ready:  You suck.  I can barely remember to brush my teeth, let alone shower and paint my face at 5am.  You make the rest of us look bad.  And I don't like you.

3.  To the guy who comes in about halfway through my workout and does his arm exercises five feet from me:  Thank you.  And: how you doin'?

4.  To the dude who smells like a barn every day:  personal hygeine is often thrown out the window before working out but for those of us that have to smell you, please just slap on some deodorant.  We sure would appreciate it.  I can almost see a green cloud following you around.  Seriously.

5.  To the really intense weight lifter people, I think they're husband and wife, grunting doesn't help a whole lot and you're interrupting my Katy Perry tunes.  Stop it.

6.  To the two ladies who faithfully ride the recumbant bikes:  git-er-dun.  You're an inspiration.  And I totally love the fact that you both have the same level of caring for personal appearance that I do.  You don't make me look bad and I love you for that.

7.  To the folks in the boot camp class: stop stealing the freaking free weights you assholes.  That's why you're in boot camp and I'm not.  Leave a girl something to work with, would you?  SHEESH.  I cannot curl 120lbs, have you seen my noodle arms? 

8.  To the girl who runs the treadmill and covers up the data screen with a magazine she doesn't even read: how do you do it?  I have to know every step, every calorie, every second and every lap throughout the entire workout.  I salute you.  You are my hero.

9.  To the lecherous old guy in the corner who curls a few weights but checks out every female within his line of sight: hope you enjoy the view.  That's all you're gonna get.

10.  To the men who stop and stare at the TV at regular intervals: I totally know when either sports or a Carl's Junior commercial comes on because you all freeze in place, mouths wide open, a little drool coming out of your mouth.  I can hear the collective mental "Ooooohhhhh pretty lady" in your thoughts.   But keep doing it, you entertain me.

No comments: