I'll be just fine

Here's the thing.  Learning you have cancer isn't the worst thing.  The worst thing is that lag time between finding out you have cancer and finding out how bad it is and what you need to do to treat it.  Your mind goes to some very dark places that you don't ever want to visit.  Once I got writer's block on my obituary I decided to call it a day however.

I am ever so thankful that the time difference was about 48 hours.  So I had two days to completely freak out.  I can't imagine a week or more, I probably would have lost my schmidt.  Well, I guess I kind of did, but I'm back now.  I'm back, baby!  And I'll be fine.

Another hard thing was telling the kids.  I figured my oldest child, who is 8, would probably have the toughest time, and the little guy would be like "cancer wha?" and then "where's my star wars action figure."

I got it pretty well spot on.  The oldest child gasped so hard when she heard the word "CANCER" that she sucked in the curtains.  But I used the word "booby" because I figured for a 6 and 8 year old, that would be the easiest and most understandable term to process.  Hindsight being what it is, probably should not have used THAT word, because I hear my daughter tell everyone and their dog that her mom has "booby cancer."  Oops.

As soon as I told them about my diagnosis I asked if they had any questions.  Oh indeed they did: when is dessert and what do we get?  I am thankful that they didn't totally freak out.  There isn't anything to worry about either, in my opinion.  I'll be fine.

Another thing that is interesting to me is how people in my life handle the news.  To be honest, I think it's easier for the person with the cancer than those who are on the outside looking in.  People keep telling me that they think I'm handling the whole situation really well and it is such a puzzle to me why I wouldn't handle it well.  I have a great prognosis and after Thursday I will likely be cancer free (and I get new boobs).  What's there to mope about? 

Honestly, this situation is just a big fat inconvenience to me.  It's ruined many of my summer plans.  I was supposed to go to Mexico with my BFF, I was going to do my first sprint triathlon, I was going to volunteer at girl scout camp for a week and run a 5K for the Be The Match Foundation's Portland run.  So if I'm upset about anything, it's the fact that I have to have some down time.  I could care less about the cancer.  It's getting in my way of all the schtuff I want to do.  THAT'S what pisses me off.  But I know I will be fine.

I can't lie though, I am scared.  I'm scared about the surgery.  I'm scared that they might find cancer in my lymph nodes.  I'm scared about being completely unconscious for four hours while my chest gets carved out.  I can't even find a way to joke about how scared I am.  That's how scared I am.

No matter what, I'll meet this challenge head on, like anyone else would do.  I'll face up to it, stare it down and crush it.  And I'll be just fine.