Thursday, July 26, 2012


Every day, the kids have been at summer camp, for the second week in a row.  I've noticed a pattern of behavior that I feel compelled to warn you about.   Today's lesson is about their feeding patterns. 

If you parent children, or you're thinking about it someday, here's some terminology that I think might be useful for you to add to your repertoire:

Hungry:  That moment, five minutes after their morning bowl of cereal, which I might add you've already asked them THREE TIMES "are you sure you have enough to eat?", when they completely forget that they ever ate anything EVER in their whole entire lives and will waste away if you don't allow them to have a smoothie, which you have to make.  With no ingredients available whatsoever in your kitchen or the neighbor's fridge either, 'cause they're out of town and you can get in their house and you already checked the day before.

Angry:  That moment, one minute after the five minutes referenced above when the children hear the dreaded word of ALL DREADED WORDS: no.  Two teeny tiny letters with MASSIVE implications.  You can expect a rant, tantrum, a Marcia Clark-worthy argument for you to go to the store immediately, tears, and maybe even the silent treatment.  While rarely given, the silent treatment is the most preferred and treasured response to hearing the word NO, ever exhibited by a species known as childus ungratefulnus.

Hangry:  The second most dreaded combination of all TIME:  hungry and angry, this mood usually appears around 4pm daily when both mother and child are ready to sell each other on e-Bay.  Children are acutely aware that at this particular juncture in their day, you're more likely to allow them to eat things you normally wouldn't, if they're HANGRY enough.  There are varying levels of hangry, the lesser of which can be satisfied with a handful of dry cereal, but the hangrier the child the harder it is to satisfy the beast, and the less sugary, unhealthy, I'd-never-allow-my-child-to-eat-that-before-dinner snacks you have on hand, the more aggregious the offense.  BEWARE:  Hangry can stretch into hours of good family fun, and a pretty wicked-cool YouTube video, if not handled properly.

Hangired:  Last but not least, there's HANGIRED, which is THE SINGLE MOST HORRIFYING COMBINATION of Hungry/Angry/Tired.  If the child is not satisfied with the snack it received when it was hangry, and the longer it waits before dinner, they thus become HANGIRED and that's just a road you don't want to do down.  They child will throw every last weapon in their arsenal at you, with the exception of manipulative false politeness and calm.  Nope, they'll whine, complain, cry, bargain.  It's the four stages of acceptance that immediately following whatever food you can cram in their food hole they'll be going straight to bed.  And you'll be pouring yourself that drink.  Your mouth literally waters at the mere thought of that first sip of the most refreshing beverage ever created by man. 

Next lesson:  Sleep patterns, including their innate ability to wake up at the ass crack of dawn on Saturday morning, and their complete inability to get up at 7am on a Wednesday for school or camp.

Future lessons will also include chapters on their stall tactics (we'll focus on shoe-tying and teeth brushing) and many, many other exciting things that will help you better understand your offspring.  Cheers, it's five o'clock somewhere.  I think.  No, I'm sure of it.

1 comment:

Sunlover Mom said...

I think you have become a modern-day Erma Bombeck. Erma - with an earthier touch. But, very funny all the same and anecdotes that any parent can identify with. If you don't "get" these blogs, you aren't paying attention. Congratulations!