Monday, February 9, 2009

If I could go back...

Facebook is an incredible tool for connecting and reconnecting with people from our lives, past and present. Recently my first "love" found me and a lot of really fun memories came rushing back. Not that I would trade my husband, my family or my life for anything.

Quite the contrary, I would never want to go back to those awkward years of my late teens with my permed hair, braces and a trunk full of insecurities. No, I really love my husband and my children and am even learning to like the woman I've become.

But, last night I was unable to sleep for most of the night. My son was coughing and sniffling and seemingly unable to get comfortable. I went in and checked on him and he seemed to need me to lay down with him. A rule I rarely break, but last night I did because he needed me. As I lay there snuggling him and hoping he would fall asleep, my mind drifted off into that funny place of not fully awake, but not sound asleep either.

My mind wandered back to that summer of 1989 as I lay there listening to my baby boy breathing. The ebb and flow of his breath made me think of those amazing Kentucky thunder storms, where you can see the lightning flash but the air is so thick with moisture it absorbs the sound of the thunder. I remembered watching them and feeling the arms of someone special holding me, as I held my son. And for a moment I truly remembered the innocence of that time in my life and the sweetness of the experience, but I couldn't remember everything.

If I could go back there, I wouldn't linger. I would only tell the naive 16 year old girl that I used to be to sit back, enjoy, and take it all in. Memorize every detail, sound and color. Because 20 years goes by ever so quickly. Just like I know in my heart that while I didn't sleep much last night, it was truly a blessing.

20 years will go by quickly and soon my sweet little boy will be a man. So last night, tired though I was, I laid there and memorized every sound, the innocence of the boy, the sweetness of his breath on my face, how warm it was to hold him in my arms hoping he felt as safe as I did.


Deena said...

You made me cry. I feel the same. It goes by way too fast & I try to cherish those moments as much as I can. Sometimes you get so busy you don't realize that it doesn't last forever.

Anonymous said...

Oh I am so sorry! Didn't mean to make you cry! I am so fricken tired today but that sweet little boy was the best thing last night. So rare he wants to be close and I know in 20 years some hoochie mama girlfriend of his will be taking care of him instead of me!!!


la maestra said...

Amy, this is beautiful prose. You're an awesome writer and I am lucky to get to read your thoughts.

Deena said...

Oh gosh, it wasn't a sad cry but more of a reflective that it's so true. Those moments are so special and they don't come often!

And yes, some hootchie girlfriend (that we will hate) will get the moments and not treasure them. So sad!!!

Anonymous said...

la maestra,
thank you for the kind compliments on my writing. I really appreciate it. I felt kinda bad about putting something that wasn't lighthearted as I use my sense of humor to cope, so I hope this doesn't turn people off!!


Andrea said...

LOVED IT~!~!~!~!~! Really makes you stop and think about everything you are missing when your world is just flying by!